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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to constantly walk on egg shells

68 replies

Nando95 · 02/02/2011 14:09

Hi all I have a very good friend who like me has a 3 and a half year old daughter, both children are close and go to the same nursery. My friends child is a quiet little girl but like a lot of children that age is very prone to extremely bad tantrums over the slightest little thing- she tends to want as most children do what other children has and I always try to implement this in regards to my own daughter in order for her not to go off on one. For example- I constantly have to lie about things I have bought my daughter as she will demand it also, I always make sure I have 2 of everything such as the same yoghurts, fruit etc and I even do things like ring my friend in the morning if my child wants to take her umbrella down to nursery etc as otherwise her daughter will go off on one if she hasnt got hers.
The thing is the favour is rarely returned for me and she does things like buy her child cookies without considering mine etc this I dont have a problem with as my child is much more easy going but I feel like I cant do similar things in return as this would greatly distress her child.

Another friend has recently commented that we are all letting the child control us by doing these things- but I have seen how upset the child gets and also how upset her mother gets when these tantrums are thrown. Shall I just carry on with my daughter as normal or always give a thought to her child.

OP posts:
bumblingbovine · 02/02/2011 14:23

This little needs to learn to weather her frustrations. Sometimes this means whe will be loud and angry. Let her but also let her know that the behaviour won't get her what she wants.

At the moment even the threat that the behaviour might possibly happen in the future is getting her what she wants.
.

Ds was very like this little girl had many y tantrums and very loud screaming fits when he couldn't have the things he wanted.

I never once gave him the thing he was tantrumming about but tried to stay calm and weather the storm.

It used to really annoy me when friends tried to constantly evade the tatrums bu giving ds what he wanted. Sometimes that is OK but sometimes my ds had to learn about boundaries and pandering to him was depriving him of that apportunity to learn.

Wordsonascreen · 02/02/2011 14:24

Remembered (rubbish shute/golden egg)

Sorry for tangent:

The mother is mad : agree with Hecate

starfishmummy · 02/02/2011 14:25

I think some of what you are doing is what mnost mums would do - things like having two identical yogurts if the other child is coming round to avoid arguments, that sort of thing.

But I think that I would stop it there!

notyummy · 02/02/2011 14:25

Think Verruca got thrown down a hole by a load of squirrels after she went into their enclosure to grab one....

prettymuchapixiegirl · 02/02/2011 14:25

This thread actually reminds me of a mum I knew when DD2 was little. This mum was obsessed with her daughter not ending up overweight and wouldn't let her have biscuits, cakes, crisps, ketchup etc at parties. She would say to other mums "Can you all not give your children ketchup as if they have some, X will want it too and she's not allowed it"

Parents like that are often the type that think the world revolves around them, hence their children end up the same.

Wordsonascreen · 02/02/2011 14:29

oh god i'm going to have to google now (i think squirrels was the Johnny Depp film and geese the Gene Wilder)

Am obviously far too low brow to remember the book version...

I am sooo showing my age.

Original poster
Nando95 · 02/02/2011 14:41

You are all absolutely right- the child still has major tantrums constantly and I think this is because her mum has not been giving in to her as much as before (2nd child due soon!!) I really do value my friends company but now realise that all I am doing is making things worse in order to try and stop the tantrums which really arent my concern especially as my own childs feelings arent being taken into account! Thanks guys x

OP posts:
Pixieonthemoor · 02/02/2011 14:48

You are an incredibly nice person to be worried by this but I have to agree with some other posters - enabling this childs behaviour is storing up massive problems for the future. Plus, if the mother doesnt give you the same consideration in letting you know what they are taking to nursery, making sure she has two of something then that is just plain rude. I think that if it doesnt really put you out at all eg having two pears in the fruit bowl, then fine. Otherwise, this little tyrant is going to have to learn and it is not your place to have to run your life around her! her mother will thank you for it in the long run. Good luck with it - let us know how it goes!

zukiecat · 02/02/2011 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueCollie · 02/02/2011 15:01

Wordsonascreen - I have been feeling throughly fed up all day but your post about 'no-one wants to be a blueberry' has made me giggle a lot in fact still smiling. So thank you for making my day brighter Grin
As for OP stop worrying about her daughter and switch off to her daughters tantrums they are not your problem and this little girl nees to start learnign that she can't have her own way all time or she isn't going to have many friends for long.

JamieLeeCurtis · 02/02/2011 15:06

I agree with everyone else. The lengths this mother is going to to avoid tantrums is stopping her getting to grips with this. Yes, having two things at home for guests is normal, but not the umbrella thing

wildfig · 02/02/2011 16:03

Veruca Salt was a Bad Nut. The bad-nut-sorting squirrels had her sussed as soon as she leaped in to help herself to a trained squirrel, and they chucked her down a rubbish chute along with the fish heads, etc (although where the fish heads came from in a chocolate factory does not bear thinking about).

Jins · 02/02/2011 16:07

I'm going to make a confession. I would make a point of buying magazines, cookies whatever for my child and my child only if this was going on. It would amuse me :)

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2011 16:10

You're Very, Very Bad Jins Grin

softpaw · 02/02/2011 16:11

it seems obvious,but you need to pour a glass of wine,sit the woman down,and tell her she's raising a prima donna.good for you ,that your wee girl is still okay.

Jins · 02/02/2011 16:15

I know I'm bad but come on....

I bet I'm not alone

ENormaSnob · 02/02/2011 16:16

Stop pandering to them.

This situation is ridiculous.

aPixie · 02/02/2011 16:18

I agree with Jins Grin

BerylStreep · 02/02/2011 16:24

Sorry, but your friend is being self-centred and controlling.

softpaw · 02/02/2011 16:25

stop fretting.stop fretting .

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 02/02/2011 16:28

You sound very nice but where are you going to draw the line?
Think you should treat your child however you want, stuff the primadonna!

kittybuttoon · 02/02/2011 16:41

What softpaw said.

This poor woman is terrified of her own child.

If you carry on pandering to your friend and her daughter, you will only make matters worse, and you sound far too nice to want to do that!

Be brave and have the conversation. If she disagrees, throw a paddy - that'll get her attention!

bubblewrapped · 02/02/2011 16:49

I completely agree with Jins Grin

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 02/02/2011 16:54

Yes, you need to stop right now! Of course occasionally you will want to buy both girls a treat or whatever, so dont stop totally, but no longer make it automatic. You are feeding a monster and preventing the little girl from learning the joys of sharing, waiting and self-restraint. A situation that makes you lie is clearly wrong. A situation that gives you extra work is clearly wrong.

monkeyflippers · 02/02/2011 16:54

The child won't learn this way. Plus you are putting yourself out too much. You sound very considerate but you shouldn't have to not buy things for your DC because the other one will get upset and you shouldn't have to consult a 3yo and her mum if you want to take a brolly out!