To worry this child is being singled out?

[DollyRogers]

A boy in DS's class. They are all 5.

Since September, I've seen 3 occasions in which it has been automatically (as far as I could see) assumed that Boy A is in the wrong, when actually it was at least 50/50 on all occasions. I've never seen it happen the other way. Once was in the classroom (person in charge: TA), once was at a party (person in charge: adult host of party) and this morning his carer from Out of School Club was (imho) really harsh on the boy.

I know the perils of making assumptions and of course I'm not at all keen on involving myself in the care of someone else's child, but it seems unfair. He IS a boisterous child, but he's also funny, clever and seems to be pretty open. The three times I've seen him come off worse have all involved some underhand stuff from the other child.

This morning, the children were lining up outside the classroom. I was chatting to DS and his chums (including this boy - I will call him Boy A), when another boy (Push In Boy) zoomed up on his scooter and jumped in between DS and Boy A. Boy A was upset (he had been deep in discussion about some plastic tat or other) and tried to get his place back (shoving a bit etc). The carer from Out of School club was immediately right in his face, raising her voice and wagging her finger - "DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT!" - and entirely ignoring his protestations that the Push In Boy had pushed in (he was saying nothing and was quite happy to let Boy A take the flak). Boy A was really sobbing by this time and it was just AWFUL.

We are good friends with Push In Boy's family, so I felt able to say, "Er, [Push In Boy], you actually did push in - do you think you should go back to where you were?" - he shrugged, grinned it and went straight back. The woman stopped shouting at Boy A and he slowly cheered up.

Push In Boy's Dad had caught up by this time, so I quickly explained it (more to check he wasn't going to be pissed off that I'd asked his son to move back) and he quietly commented that he thought Boy A copped a lot of flak. I didn't make much of it, but it is exactly how I feel.

The complication here, for me, is that he is the only black child in school. He is the only black child at the Out of School club. His family come from outside the immediate locality of the school (it is in an unusually self contained little hub, cut off on one side by a river and on the other side by a major A road) and he is the only child from his family to come to this school.

I think, from talking to his Mum previously, he is the youngest of 4, but she was disappointed with their local school. But because he is geographically distanced from the other children, he has to attend Out of School Club whilst his Mum collects the others.

It is really playing on my mind that he is being singled out. My DS tried the Out of School Club and hated the woman that was shouting today. He refused to go back, in fact.

There's nothing I can do, is there? I know it's not my business, I've only seen a very small number of incidents and of course I can't go around throwing out accusations of racism or maltreatment. However, I always feel that adults DO have an obligation to speak up if they feel a child is being unfairly treated.

We are going to ask him for tea, anyway, because DS is nuts keen on it and, for me, that means one less evening for him with the Shouty Woman.

I really need to get this out of my system because I feel really shitty about it.

I don't think it is racism per se, but from your descriptions he does seem to be getting more than his fair share of tellings off.
I do think that some children attract negative attention, and for some reason it seems boy A is the one.
i do feel sorry for children like this, DD has one in her class (although he really isn't very nice) and he appears to be the one in trouble the most.
I am not sure what else you can do other than encourage your DS to play with him.
Would it be possible to tell a teacher about the incident outside school, I am not sure whether they are connected to the school though.

Personally if my personal circumstances permitted it I would speak to his mum and maybe offer to have him 2 nights a week. But I have had a Ds suffer the same treatment due to SN and would bend over backwards to help someone in the same position as I was given lots of help and support

Research proves that this kind of thing goes on in society all the time. An experiment was carried out once where a new class and new teacher were being introduced and the teacher was told which students were considered the "bad" students. Another class was given the opposite treatment and no one was singled out. The class with the "bad" children showed that due to the preconcieved ideas of the teacher in relation to the singled out students, she treated them differently, they were often given far less attention than the other students and they were often treated as if they were always in the wrong. It resulted in the suffering of thier education and they actually started to live up to thier "bad" reputation as thier schooling went on, even though they had no indicators of such behaviour before the experiment. The other class with no singled out students did not have any of these problems.

It could be that he is being singled out because he is black, it is not uncommon for people to do things like that. Especially with the "aggressive black person" complex that is persistent in society. He may be being singled out because of preconcieved ideas. But, maybe just keep an eye on the situation. Jumping in with the race card at this point might exacerbate the situation for him. Its great that you are kind enough to notice these things. It may just be that his teachers do not know how to handle him if he is a bit hyperactive and are essentially, rubbish teachers.

There's not enough here to assume it falls under the banner of racism, but you're not wrong to suspect it. The poor kid seems to be taking a lot of shit, seems like he might be being bullied (by adults) and is obviously not being treated fairly at the very least.

As for what you can do, I think you're doing all you can tbh. It's difficult to see something like this going on and not actually jump in, I understand, but inviting the little boy for tea and intervening on a small scale where you can is very good of you and will show the child that someone cares. :)

Ask yourself would he be treated different if he was not black, and the answer is probably, so in my mind it is racisms and peoples small minds that causes these problems.

The woman who pulled him this morning when it was not his fault, I would take her to one side and tell her that you feel the poor child is being accused of being a trouble maker in some cases when in fact it is other children causing the problems.

I would raise peoples awareness to this with whoever I could.

I can't abide bullies and this child is being bullied.

I think all you can do is go on being a positive non-racist role model for your child, so that they too might be willing to "pipe up" when the child is being dealt with unfairly (and the guilty party is not fessing up)

I think I would be talking to his mum, obviously because she has to drop him at out of school club there is very few times she can see the bullying occuring, I would explain the 3 occasions you have seen the inappropriate behaviour and offer to support her if she chooses to take it up with the school. Which IMO she should.

It's a case of 'give a dog a bad name'. It might be racist - but the boys (and yes, it's always boys) in my DC's classes who are the target for this sort of activity have all been white.

I don't know what, if anything, you can do about it. I think there are always a couple of children in every class labelled as 'the naughty ones'. It comes from the staff, and the children all go along with it. Must be hell when it's your child who's the victim, not least because half the other parents are tutting at you for having the badly behaved child.

Thanks for your replies. I was expecting a barrage of "Stop being so nosey" - I appreciate your fairness.

I feel I should say something to his Mum, but then I worry I would be upsetting her over what may be nothing. It sounds as if she is already pretty pushed to collect all the children, and the last thing she needs is an unfounded accusation causing her complications.

I might mention something to the teacher. She is a very level headed woman and I think she is far better positioned to have the measure of all the factors.

Will also start the ball rolling re having him over. He and DS really get along, so we had it in mind anyway.

Blessings: thank you for that perspective. I think I am inclined to be more sympathetic to him because my DS is pretty boisterous, too. He seems to avoid being in trouble at school, but often cops it from my MIL because he's the rowdiest of the grandchildren. I hate the unfairness of it all!

This is so sad Thank goodness that you stuck up for him.

Yes I think that mentioning it to the teacher is a good idea.

That was my DS until I went in and told the (1 teacher) concerned what she was doing and why it needed to stop. I'm guessing you have seen it in various situations because teachers/staff talk to one another and the bad stuff tends to stick.

In this case, the kid is 5 - someone ought to be sticking up for him because he cannot do it himself (and will probably be further labelled by staff if he does)

A quiet word with the Head should do it, if you feel able - or a conversation with the mother so she can. I wouldn't like to comment on the race issue, but schools have a legal requirement to log every racist/suspected racist incident so this may be a factor.

I don't attend school to pick my children up due to work, so never really got to see what was happening to my son first hand - but his brother and his friends told us and it brought me to tears, it's unjust to pick on a kid no matter what you think of them - it's hardly going to give them the right message for the future.

If you can intervene please do so in whatever ways you can. I would like to think that a school is a community that relies on the good will of all to keep going - therefore we all have a responsibility to point things out (as objective observers) or make comments if we feel necessary.

Also the fact that you have observed several times this even though you are not the child's parent should ring alarm bells.

These are really thoughful replies: thank you.

It's really 'empowering' to be supported like this; I was wavering a lot, but I think I will briefly mention it to the teacher. Depending on how 'tea' goes, I might get talking to his Mum a bit more, but I am really hesitant about interfering too directly.

LDNMummy: it's interesting that the people I have seen treat him unfairly are ones I would generally see as being a bit ineffective. The TA isn't terribly 'strong', the parent is a very, er, gentle person (i.e. a bit feeble) and the woman from the club isn't anyone I'd really want in charge of my kids. I wouldn't accuse any of them of direct racism, but I do wonder if Boy A was an easy target when they felt they are not in control. Although how I can say that targetting him isn't racism ... mmm ... well, he IS a lively child. I don't know how much his skin colour comes into it.

Notbyalongchalk: oh, you have brought me to tears and truly convinced me it's not good enough to sit back. I'm so sorry you and your child went through it. Are things better now?

I'll update.

Thanks very much all x

the flip side of this ...... perhaps the OP is so concerned that this child is the only black child in the school (therefore a possible target) that SHE is interepretting a few every day mistakes of judegemnt, as racism - would she even have noticed the same examples of "injustices" (which happen day in day out in even the best of schools)if the child concerned were white/ginger/whatever?

Just saying i think we sometimes can be over zealous, and his colour MAY be entirely co-incidental, not that any form of racism should be condoned

Get the teacher onside. Say what you have noticed in toher situations with the child and how you know it to be unfair and ask the teacher if she is aware of it and if she could keep an eye out for the poor child. That way you tell her and get her on side without saying she is guilty too.

If you do have him round regularly, a bit of 'giving a dog a good name' might not go amiss -- 'Oh, [Boy A] is such a pleasure to have round, so cheerful/willing/comical...'

I agree it could be construed as racism; it could also be that this child is simply the class scapegoat for other reasons. But you can't tell which it is and to be honest it doesn't matter in a way as the bottom line is he is being treated unfairly.

I would speak to the out of school club person first and say what you have noticed. Hopefully she will have the sense to reign in her behaviour. If not, I would speak to the school. I would also be keeping a record of what you have witnessed and when, in case it continues and you do want to take it further with the school. But you need to tread carefully as his parents may not thank you for getting involved - they may be finding that this school is still miles better than other schools they've experienced and want to deal with it their own way.

I think you are lovely for caring about this little boy

Sometimes if a child stands out for whatever reason they are just noticed more, which can have good and bad sides. My brother had very red hair and had a friend who was white blonde, both were more likely to be noticed when they were being naughty in any way but also more likely to be noticed when they did well (in football or rugby matches for example). I think this is more likely than racism, especially as it is from a number of different people.

It is unfair though and I do feel sad for this little boy.

Could it be because he stands out as different that people find it easy to remember his name in the heat of the moment, and not the others, so it's his name they shout.

I knew a boy who was known to be a bit of a naughty boy. He had an unusual name, blonder than average hair, and an unusual haircut.

I came round the corner once to find four or five boys pushing and shoving in a good natured fashion. The boy described above and three or four generic year sevens: mousy No 3 cropped hair, all called things like Joe, Josh, Jack . . . I knew their names but would have to think first to make sure I was right. But wanting to react to break it up immediately, I barked out the name of the one child I definitely DID know. Straight away I wondered whether this was why he got the reputation of being always in trouble, as he was the one that stood out.

(I later realised he did have a talent for winding other kids up so maybe it wasn't all that in this case )

I have noticed that the 'naughty; ones do get labelled and then even minor things get pounced on when the 'good' kids can get away with the same thing.

n my DSs pre-school there were two boys with the same name and the staff even referred to one of them as 'Naughty C', which I thought was awful.

The label really stuck and soon the kids were calling him that too. Quite glad for his own sake that he went to a different primary than 99% of the rest of the kids. I hope he left his label behind.

ashamedandconfused: yes, well, that is the centre of my self-doubt.

As soon as my friend said, "I think he cops a lot of flak, you know", I could feel us both jumping to conclusions, which is why I didn't make much of it.

If he was a very well behaved, quiet child, I don't think his colour would be the issue that, because he's so lively, it has the potential to be. But I don't think I am artificially aware of events concerning him because of his skin colour. I think he cops a lot of flak because he is loud and lively, and his colour may further (subtly) single him out.

I do mean 'loud and lively', by the way: I'm not euphemising. I don't think he IS a terribly difficult child, beyond his energy levels. He is very friendly, affectionate and chatty and I (personally) much prefer him to the quieter ones whom I've seen be a bit mean or sneaky. They are the ones who sometimes upset my (also very open and lively) son.

I don't think he is being mistreated solely because of his colour. If he was quiet and more physically restrained, I doubt there would be any issue for him.

Does that make sense at all???!

I very much need to crack on with some work now, but I am so grateful for your support on this. I really needed to thrash it out.

Thanks all xxx