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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my mum that I am learning to drive?

48 replies

Itrymybest · 01/02/2011 21:10

This is such a loooong story I may well miss bits out so I apologise in advance if I do. I have tried off and on for ages to learn to drive. I failed my last driving test when I was pregnant with ds1 now 5.5. I last had driving lessons about 2 years ago but stopped because of babysitting problems (my husband works long hours.) Even then my mum was constantly saying why do you want to drive for total waste of time and money and even if I passed my test I wouldnt seriously take my children out anywhere as I'd put them at risk. When I said ofcourse I would she had such ago at me saying she cant believe I'd even consider putting my dc at risk!

Anyway I see an awful lot of my mum since she retired she comes round ALOT! She is always offering to take me to this place and that and I really dont mean to sound ungrateful. However if I have ever mentioned that I am thinking of trying again with my driiving she has said that redisculous and driving wont solve my problems and how could I possibly think we can afford it etc etc etc. She said that the only reason my inlaws are encouraging me is because they are too lazy to give me lifts. Dh thinks that the reason my mum doesnt want me to is because she likes to feel useful.

Tomorrow I have my second lesson (since I've taken it up again that is.) I couldnt go last week as ds2 was ill so off preschool. He started preschool in Jan so it seemed a good time too start. My mum suggested coming round tomorrow. I said no I'm busy wednesday. She said why what are you doing then and to my shame I lied that I was meeting a friend. I never or rarely that is lie. Should I have told her I'm be having a driving lesson? Aibu?

OP posts:

CerealOffender · 01/02/2011 21:12

or alternatively tell her the truth and ask her to shut up with the negative shit

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/02/2011 21:13

I didn't tell anyone when I was learning to drive.

I went round there with my pass certificate.

I agree that your mum probably likes you depending on her.

She's very controlling, isn't she? Perhaps you need to address that?

compo · 01/02/2011 21:13

Yanbu
your dh is right
she wants you to be reliant on her

chitchatingagain · 01/02/2011 21:17

Your mum is probably putting you off because it gives her an 'in' into your life, a hold over you. If you can't handle her negativity, don't tell her. If she complains, tell her why - ie that she is so negative about it all.

Original poster

Itrymybest · 01/02/2011 21:17

But how in a way I am dependant on her. For instancce last week ds2 had a chest infection and she offered to take ds1 to school so I wouldnt have to take my poorly ds2 who wasnt up to much out in the cold and on the bus etc. I agreed was that right considering how she is? I agree about not telling people hecate I had always decided I wasnt going to do that its the lying I feel so bad about. :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Itrymybest · 01/02/2011 21:21

should be in a way I am dependant on her...

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 01/02/2011 21:29

Was your driving really really bad when you were learning? Or is it that she just doesnt want to lose her bit of control over you.

Original poster

Itrymybest · 01/02/2011 21:38

It wasnt really bad I failed over silly things the last time whilst suffering from morning sickness tbh! bc she used to take me out and encourage me and my dh has taken me out in the past (not lately) and he said my driving was fine. My new driving instructor said despite my long break she didnt have to remind me on many things and I think it went well. She said it did anyway I was very nervous!

OP posts:

lesley33 · 01/02/2011 21:39

I recently passed my test after having lessons on and off over some years. I don't have the problems you have with your mother, but I didn't tell people I was learning the last time.

TBH I didn't want people asking me how it was going and when I was going to sit my test. After having this in the past, I just wanted to concentrate on learning in my own time, without pressure.

So I think you are BR. Trying to learn if you have someone close to you saying negative things, just adds to the pressure.

I know its not nice to lie and I would normally say don't lie - but I think it is hard enough to learn without pressure from your mum.

portaloo · 01/02/2011 21:41

I think I would say something now, if only because if you don't tell her now, then when are you going to tell her?
Do you think she will take the news any better if you have already passed your test?

When she took yr DS to school, did she take him on the bus by any chance?

Why does she know so much about your finances to know whether you can afford it or not?

FWIW, I completely agree with yr DH.

Original poster

Itrymybest · 01/02/2011 21:43

No she drove him to school!! I plan to tell her wheen I have passed my test.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/02/2011 21:48

"driving wont solve my problems" - what does she mean by that?

RevoltingPeasant · 01/02/2011 21:48

OP YANBU.

I learnt to drive at 16 (in the States) and passed my test fine and was generally a pretty reasonable driver. But my dad always completely freaked out and shouted at me when I drove (which is v stressful). For some reason he is convinced I am terrible...

Anywho when I was learning to drive over here he was constantly riding me over how many lessons I'd had, surely I didn't need that many, when I was going to take the test, of course I ought to pass first time, only morons fail, ARRRRRGH.

In fact I failed first time (one really dumb minor thing) and I lied to him too. I told him the test had been cancelled till I took it again a few weeks later and passed. And tbh, I wish I'd never told him in the first place, because the pressure is just awful, isn't it?

So don't say anything if you don't want to, and good luck :) I am sure you will pass and of course you will make a perfectly safe driver.

Original poster

Itrymybest · 01/02/2011 21:50

things like having to take a sick child with me when I take the other to school. However taKIing a poorly child in a car is better than an unreliable 2 way bus journey surely? And I talk as the wife of a bus driver btw!

OP posts:

portaloo · 01/02/2011 21:51

Is it only your driving your mother has a problem with? Or is it all the other road users, and she feels you will be too inexperienced to deal with them?

I am also trying to work out how she knows so much about how you drive. Presumably you have been taking driving lessons with a driving instructor.

Original poster

Itrymybest · 01/02/2011 21:51

that was for whereyouleftit btw!!!

OP posts:

plupervert · 01/02/2011 21:58

Not unreasonable to lie, I think. You don't want to give her the chance to sap your confidence now.

And when you do pass, it will be clear that you have lied to her, that is probably the perfect opportunity for you to talk about her saying horrible things to you, and being negative about your abilities (Good God - how awful is she, for suggesting you would be endangering your own children?!).

mum295 · 01/02/2011 21:58

YANBU.

When we were growing up, my Mum placed huge importance on my sister and I learning to drive as soon as possible. I was more interested in my A-levels and failed spectacularly. Three times. Hugely traumatic for me at a stressful time in my life, having never failed anything before. My sister saw what I went through and refused to learn in her teens. I had a huge phobia about driving, was convinced I could never do it and cried when I tried to drive with my DH.

Fast forward ten years and my sister and I, within a couple of years of each other, had secret driving lessons and both passed straight away.

I'm sure we both told some white lies to our mother along the way, but she was delighted once we passed.

Don't let her put you off. Good luck!

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/02/2011 23:17

OP, in that case learning to drive sounds exactly what would solve your problems!

It does sound a classic case of making herself feel big by making you feel small. Not terribly supportive.

Dansmommy · 01/02/2011 23:23

I'd have to tackle her, I think. What an odd thing, to suggest that you'd be putting your children at risk. Have you asked her why she thinks this?

Linnet · 01/02/2011 23:30

I don't see the problem in telling a little white lie and like someone else said if she finds out tell her why you lied to her.

My granny is like this,when I was learning to drive she would be so negative and say why do you want to learn to drive, like you could ever afford a car, I'm not getting in a car with you you'd probably crash etc etc etc.

I ignored her and learnt to drive and she is now more than happy to be driven to the supermarket, dr's appointments, into town etc.

I do find that she can be a very negative person about other things as well. Is your mum the same?

2rebecca · 01/02/2011 23:39

I'd find someone asking me "what are you doing" when I said I was busy quite rude and intrusive, although it sounds as though you and your mum live in each other's pockets a bit so maybe don't have as much privacy as I like.
I'd have just been vague and said I have a few things to do and changed the subject. Your mum sounds a bit rude anyway by telling you what you and your husband can't afford, but you maybe discuss family finances more with her than I do with my family.
I think given her general nosiness and attitude to your driving not telling her is fair enough.
Why should she know the minutiae of your life?
It sounds as though she is irritating you a bit and you maybe need to encourage her to do other things with her retirement than rely on you for entertainment and company.

Bunnynamedstanely · 02/02/2011 08:38

It's lovely that you are close to your Mum and that she enjoys spending time with your children and supporting you, but you are entitled to some privacy. You are a grown woman with a family of your own - it isn't appropriate for her to make these kind of comments on your decisions. I try very hard not to lie so I understand your dilemma but sometimes you jave to do what is best for you. You will only be gibbing to her for a short period of time while you learn and it will remove the pressure on you. If you pass by the way you will have been certified as 'safe' by the tester (just as she was !) so of course you will be ok to drive your children. Sometimes in life it is better to seek forgiveness than permission. Go for it and good luck.

OTheHugeManatee · 02/02/2011 09:14

Parents are there to help children develop into capable, independent adults.

By trying to persuade you not to learn, she's obstructing that - as a non driver you have fewer life skills and are less independent.

I can only speculate about her reasons. But if it's about makng sure her ickle girlie still needs her, what does she imagine will happen when she dies? You'll be stuffed.

Lie with a clear conscience, OP. Your mother is being very weird. She'll probably be upset when you pass, but that's a golden opportunity to remind her that you're not 5 any more and to stop infantilising you.

TallulahDoesTheHula · 02/02/2011 09:31

If you dont mind lying about it then I thinnk you have every reason to keep it to yourself tbh.
If its really bothering you that you are having to lie though, and you dont normally lie to anyone etc then I'd tell her but in a way that will encourage more positive thinkiing from her.
'I feel really bad as I lied to you the other day and didnt like doing it. I've had a long hard think and realised that I did it because I was worried about your reaction to the truth. I'm learning to drive again. Its a really positive thing for me, I'm so pleased I'm doing it, it will make a massive difference to us WHEN I pass my test and my instructor is saying how well I am doing. I was worried you'd be nagative about it and take away a little bit of my confidence. Sorry for lying, hope you can see why and be happy and positive for me about the driving!' type thing.

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