To not tell my mum that I am learning to drive?

[Itrymybest]

This is such a loooong story I may well miss bits out so I apologise in advance if I do. I have tried off and on for ages to learn to drive. I failed my last driving test when I was pregnant with ds1 now 5.5. I last had driving lessons about 2 years ago but stopped because of babysitting problems (my husband works long hours.) Even then my mum was constantly saying why do you want to drive for total waste of time and money and even if I passed my test I wouldnt seriously take my children out anywhere as I'd put them at risk. When I said ofcourse I would she had such ago at me saying she cant believe I'd even consider putting my dc at risk!

Anyway I see an awful lot of my mum since she retired she comes round ALOT! She is always offering to take me to this place and that and I really dont mean to sound ungrateful. However if I have ever mentioned that I am thinking of trying again with my driiving she has said that redisculous and driving wont solve my problems and how could I possibly think we can afford it etc etc etc. She said that the only reason my inlaws are encouraging me is because they are too lazy to give me lifts. Dh thinks that the reason my mum doesnt want me to is because she likes to feel useful.

Tomorrow I have my second lesson (since I've taken it up again that is.) I couldnt go last week as ds2 was ill so off preschool. He started preschool in Jan so it seemed a good time too start. My mum suggested coming round tomorrow. I said no I'm busy wednesday. She said why what are you doing then and to my shame I lied that I was meeting a friend. I never or rarely that is lie. Should I have told her I'm be having a driving lesson? Aibu?

THanks everyone so thats unanimous then. My mum texted me today and asked if I was at (friends name). I confessed I wasnt but didnt disclose what I was doing. Its the lying I feel so bad about not the not telling her about the lessons iyswim. The lesson went well btw!

should be what I was going to do btw wasnt texting during the lesson lol!

YANBU - i think its quite common for people not to admit to having lessons or when they have the test - it can be stressful enough with well meaning supportive comments never mind that kind of criticism from your mum. I hope she doesn't put you off - i didn't pass til my thirties and still relish the convenience and freedom it gave me.
Even if you can't afford/ choose not to own a car outright having your licence means you have the option to hire a car for special occasions and trips or emergencies.
Plus it means you could consider jobs and living in places that would have been impossible relying on public transport. Good luck.

Just as an aside - my great aunt didn't pass her driving test until she was 57. She had the benefit of driving for over 20 years, into her eighties.

She wasn't a good driver - she drove like a bat out of hell - but she enjoyed the freedom it gave her. So just keep going for it. The extra freedom is a lease of life.

Also, don't engage with any of the arguments. Your mum may say, 'oh, it would be too expensive' and you can argue about renting cars for special occasions, extra job opportunities etc but she would just ignore your reasoning and find something else. It doesn't sound like a reasoned attitude.

Good luck!

I got my license in the US at 16 with no problems, but when I moved to London, I found the idea of driving in the UK completely overwhelming. I started taking driving lessons, which my family in the States found to be hilarious. Although the teasing was meant in fun, it didn't help me relax or build up my confidence and I was embarrassed to be always explaining why I needed 'so many' lessons, etc. I eventually got discouraged and gave up before even taking my test.

After my DD was born, I decided to give it another shot. This time, I didn't tell anyone except DH and a few close friends. It took time, and a fantastic driving instructor, but I finally passed my test.

Being able to drive has totally transformed my life - in terms of convenience and also allowing me to do things that I simply couldn't before. And I am so proud of myself for sticking with it and getting there in the end!

So, don't feel bad about lying to your mum. Do what is best for you. Once you've got your license, you can explain why you decided to keep your lessons a secret. If she isn't happy for you, then she really is thinking only of herself.

Good luck!

you could always take the test and then an advanced test if you want. i think that first year or so of qualified driving is still very much a learning experience but then everyone has to go through it - even your mother did! it's not like you are a testosterone led teenager determined to take silly risks.

I'd keep schtum. And I'd start putting some distance between your life & your mum. You told her you were busy and she's asked you at least twice to "justify" that?

Todays one of those days when I wished so much I could drive. My 5 year olds teacher rang me as ds had banged his head/nose at school and needed picking up. I felt I had no option but to ring my mum to ask her to pick me and ds up to take me to school so I could pick him up. My mum lives 15 minutes away from me took longer as she also had to take car out of the garage. All the time my dhs car was outside my house as dh had walked to walk! Grrrrr!!!

Mum said dont worry he'd be fine and if you'd been at work you wouldnt have been able to get over straight away and driving would make no difference then etc etc. Whats that got to do with anything I dont work I was at home with ds2 so driving would have made all the difference. Why oh why does she try to talk me out of driving by saying these things every single time (she has said similar many times!):(

Lied to my mum again!! Got a preschool meeting and made out I'd be staying all morning but really I have a driving lesson after the meeting. She said surely it cant be all morning not 3 hours? Said I was helping out afterwards this is getting rediculous how long can I keep this up?

Get your driving licence by hook or by crook. If you'd rather lie about it do so, if you'd rather tell her to be supportive or keep her mouth shut this is also fine. No driving wont solve all your problems, but it's a fine start. And that new drivers (of any age) are the worst accident risk is hardly news either. So the best solution is never to start is it? What shite. Your Mum's got her own agenda. If she's that worried tell her the IAM do Skills For Life courses which teach advanced skills to normal people for £139, if the safety thing is really her issue she wont mind pooling the money she's no longer burning in fuel for yu to send you on one (has to be 3 months after you pass I think).

Yes I just feel so bad about it!

You have the right to stay away from your house, surely? Unless you had to lie because she was looking after DC2?

One of my driving instructors let me bring my son in his car during my lessons, and another instructor brought his own son in the car. This sort of thing is not unheard of, and could help solve your childcare and mother problems.

No dc2 will be at preschool so child care problems are sorted. :)

Sometimes the only way to get something neccessary done is to do something less than ideal.

I also thought she had your kids, if she doesn't have your kids then tell her it's none of her business at all where you are going.

Or even better, say "anyway mother, if my husband finds out about my secret sex-slave girfriend Agnetta he'll kill us both, he's so unreasonable about illegal immigrants, especially her. She never even touched those kittens, the fingerprints on the knife were faked!" and then hang up.

No she doesnt have the children because she doesnt know aabout the driving. I never asked her last time because of the negative attitudes. However she has always babysit for any other reason so her babysitting for me would be great if her attitude was different. It would have made all the difference a couple of years ago when I gave it up especially as dh does such long hours. She does however like to come round ALOT especially since she retired.

Oh, if she is not waiting for you
with DC2, then why does she need to know where you are? FFS, haven't you got the right, indeed the responsibility, to do certain things while your children are out of the way - and everyone else is out of the way, too?! Shopping and cleaning are high on the list of things I try to do when I don't have my DS. I would be very annoyed if someone tried to claim all the time I had "free", meaning I couldn't do these things.

Just explain to here: "Look, the children are off, and I have things I need to get done out and about. It would be a total waste for me to rush straight back from the meeting."

If she still pushes, tell her the list is "as long as your leg. Are you really asking me to go through every single item on it?" If she pushes further, she is accusing you of lying, and you have the right to "take offence"/get exasperated.

Good luck getting through this very trying time, and do come back if you want to roleplay responses to her questions and demands!

Why do you feel the need to give her an itemised breakdown of your day? Just start being vague and telling her you are busy. You aren't 5 years old FFS. Stop behaving like a little girl and reporting to her. If she wants to know exactly what you are doing then tell her you want a bit of privacy in your life and find her constantly wanting to know what you are doing intrusive.
I'm surprised it hasn't irritated you before the driving thing came up. You're a married woman with children.

The fact that your mother insists on an itemised breakdown of your day reminded me of this story on radio 4 that I heard yesterday available on listen again
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00y8v97
It lasts 15 minutes.
There the woman gets annoyed at (amongst other things) the intrusive questions her mother and sister ask when she moves back near them.
Thankfully I've not had that amount of intrusive questioning since I left my parents' house at 18. If they had asked for a detailed account when I first went to university I would probably have jokingly told them to mind their own business as they might not approve of some of my activities!

I have this from my parents though they are very keen that my DH learns to drive which he not that keen to do as he was in an accident which they well know.

They think I would be awful driver and how can I think of having DC in back of the car. It limits us in what we can do a lot, jobs, getting to appointments and people just do not get that it harder for us to get about. There are things we literally can not get hold off or get to and on rare occasions do have to ask my parents for help - they moaning and start up on DH driving but when I suggest I might we suddenly can not afford it .

They also say getting about with three DC will get easier as they get older - so far all I have noticed is that it gets more expensive. They often suggest we just do not do things with the DC and refuse to believe this is not always an option. It is apparently fine for my DC to miss hospital appointments .

They are like this on a lot of subjects unfortunately. One of the best ways I find to deal with it to refuse to discuss the matter - by point blank refusal or changing the subject. At the minute I am studying with view to get back to work and made the mistake of mentioning this. Every time my mother talks to me has a nasty comment and put down on the subject and I find I slip into yet again justifying myself - which make me feel crap and never wins her over.

I think we are fast approaching the point where I will have to try driving again - so I can get to and from work and possibly cut down on DH commute and just have more freedom to get places. When that happens I will not be informing my parents till after I have passed the test and sorted the car out and am generally happy with it all.

DH was a pedestrian not in a car - and the accident was bad driving and bad luck.

Why do some parents want to keep their daughters dependant on them?
I can't imagine telling my children that I didn't think they'd ever be able to drive because they weren't good enough, or belittling their educational desires.
How can you continue to like parents who are so contemptuous of you, and who don't share your desire to make the most of life?
These threads always make me glad I moved away from my parents.

I hid my driving lessons from family for over a year but since it has taken me so long to pass, I did tell them.

But they don't want me to drive - several family members have been in bad accidents (none of them were the driver so it actually makes no sense) and are very negative about me driving.

However they have their own agenda and since I live quite far away are actually starting to realise that they would see more of me and DS if I could drive. If I stayed closer they would be more vehement about me not driving.

I don't listen. It's their issue.

2rebecca
How can you continue to like parents who are so contemptuous of you

Still love them and it be fair it the way both of my parents were brought up - one of those perpetuating cycles which I intend to break. Actually my MIL had similar upbringing - but she does fight it to a certain extent.