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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think adulterers should be made to pay compensation

39 replies

kepler10b · 01/02/2011 17:02

there is so much 'no win no fee' compensation for things that are not even malicious, just negligent (e.g. spillages on floor that you slip on, whiplash from someone driving into your car etc).

why isn't there compensation from adulterers when they have an affair?

OP posts:
GarconsSontCommeDesChiens · 01/02/2011 17:04

hmm

too many variables

bubblewrapped · 01/02/2011 17:08

ridiculous idea

what on earth for?

MrSpoc · 01/02/2011 17:08

they do its called divorce. also what about compo for the people who drove the otherb person to cheat? like the abusive partner?

FabbyChic · 01/02/2011 17:08

Agree its a ridiculous idea.

RunnerHasbeen · 01/02/2011 17:17

Compensation in theory is for financial loss, if someone is negligent in a way that incurs a loss of earnings for someone else. I agree that we are getting close to the line you suggest when people can sue for emotional distress, perhaps that should be stopped not widened to cover all other grievances.

The only circumstances I think there is any sort of case is if the adulterer has spent considerable sums of money on their affair - money the spouse owned half of and needs.

VivaLeBeaver · 01/02/2011 17:19

My mum had an affair. She had an affair because my dad ignored her for 20 years, didn't talk to her, didn't take her out, refused to accept there was anything wrong, etc. She stayed because of me and DB and probably becasue she was scared. Someone showed her some attention and she bit their hand off.

So who in that situation should be paying compensation?

ZZZenAgain · 01/02/2011 17:26

how would you go about defining what evidence counts and then go about collecting it?

Original poster
kepler10b · 01/02/2011 17:38

@runnerhasbeen - i believe in california you can get compensation for money a partner has spent on the affair.

i agree there are many variables and evidence might be hard but that is no different to many other cases of compensation (sexism in the workplace for example). emotional distress is compensated in many instances - how about if the distress is so bad the person can't work.

as for abusive partners driving partner to affair...well that's not really an argument that would stand legal scrutiny. an abusive partner drives you to leave not have a affair surely? otherwise you could equally say you could be driven to hit someone? your actions are always your own responsiblity and having an affair is hardly an acceptable form of self defence.

OP posts:
Original poster
kepler10b · 01/02/2011 17:40

@VivaLeBeaver - surely leaving the relationship was the answer there? she can't have been thinking about being scared and you and DB when having the affair.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 01/02/2011 17:44

She says she didn't leave the relationship as she was scared that noone would ever find her attractive and was scared of being on her own for the rest of her life. I can understand that. The affair didn't last but when it ended she had the courage to leave.

I'm just trying to point out that its not always black and white.

Original poster
kepler10b · 01/02/2011 17:53

VivaLeBeaver - well we all feel that fear sometimes. But some of us have the moral tenacity not to turn to infidelity to make things better. Not saying her partner was perfect but to me that is never an excuse. People who leave relationships (without having affairs) don't leave partners they consider 'perfect' either.

OP posts:
Mymblesson · 01/02/2011 19:11

Why not just stone them and have done with it?

reddaisy · 01/02/2011 19:15

Ridiculous idea. If it is about "moral tenacity" then how on earth would financial compensation help ease the pain.

VivaLeBeaver - is your mum happy now? I hope so, or did your dad see sense?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/02/2011 19:20

I suppose you could sue for breach of contract Grin the marriage agreement is, after all, a legal contract.

dementedma · 01/02/2011 19:42

vivalebeaver - I say bloody bravo to your mother. Affairs are not always about cowardice, sometimes they require great bravery too.Leaving the relationship is simply not that easy an option, despite what many MNers post, and I bet she went through agonies of guilt and fear.
I hope she is happy now.

VivaLeBeaver · 01/02/2011 20:54

I think she is a lot happier now. Though I think she was lonely at first but is now used to living on her own. She;s built up a good network of friends and keeps herself busy. She was 63 when she had the affair after more than 30 years of marriage! They've been divorced 4 years.

Dad has a girlfriend and is also a lot happier. I think they were both quite miserable.

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/02/2011 20:59

I assume this is either the result of the OP having been cheated on or a deliberate wind up.

OP, who are you to throw aspersions about the moral tenacity of somebody else's mother?

mrsjoyfulprize · 01/02/2011 21:01

Um. Divorce is the penalty for cheating and can turn out pretty expensive.

I don't care what anyone says, some people DESERVE to be cheated on. If you are abusive to someone they owe you fuck all, least of all fidelity.

hatwoman · 01/02/2011 21:11

what a heinous thought. what other aspects of our emotional lives should we turn into the business of the state and the legal profession? maybe we should let the law regulate friendships. maybe we could sue mils for staying too long after dc1 is born. maybe we could sue friends who change their mind about meeting up for a drink. maybe godparents for buying rubbish birthday presents. maybe fils for ignoring our wishes and giving dc chocolate. get a grip.

reddaisy · 01/02/2011 21:13

I quite like your ideas hatwoman - especially the one about mils for staying too long after dc are born but I would change that to people who stay too long!! Wink

mrsjoyfulprize · 01/02/2011 21:15

Yes hatwoman, suing for 'hurt feelings'! Boo hoo, get a grip.

hatwoman · 01/02/2011 21:16

I knew that one would be a go-er Wink

Suncottage · 01/02/2011 21:33

Infedilty is a many mirrored thing - an emotional bond with someone other than your spouse? Having a high sex drive when your spouse had a twice a week knackered with the kids and working full time sort of attitude to sex.

He wanted a close no-strings attached fling? An abusive relationship where you sought comfort with someone else? Swingers clubs?

My ex Dh was unable to stay faithful - I divorced him and let him be someone else's problem. I heard every excuse under the sun.

Basically I never 'went after every penny' I wanted him out of my life forever and really could not waste another moment of my time fighting for 'justice' or 'vengence'.

I really, really just wanted out as soon and as quickly as possible. I was too hurt and traumatised to hang around.

Years on I am happy and rarely think of him and I am so glad I ignored my lawyers advice to go for maintenance, he would still be lurking there.

Vallhala · 01/02/2011 21:33

There is compensation available already. It's called taking the other party to the cleaners via divorce. The wife of a certain man I know would walk away with about half a million once she's had half the house, pension rights, shares, savings, investments despite only working for about a year of their 28 year long marriage.

Best she never gets to know what he's up to... :o

JumpOnIt · 01/02/2011 21:37

Toot.

I would say have a biscuit but I don't have the square brackets.