to feel so crap about being middle-aged?

[teahouse]

I'm soon to turn 45 and have an Ok life.

I have a job I mostly like, a house (huge mortgage though so no dispossable income to speak of, and certainly no holidays), have 2 wonderful kids who despite dyslexia and dyspraxia are doing OK (eldest at Uni and youngest shoudl get enough GCSE's to get into 6th form).

But I have virtually no friends and due to my work, a typical 9-5 day would be unusual.Plus I've been a single parent for over 10 years and have not ever had a proper relationship (ex-husband cheated on me for most of my marriage, and I've only had a few other relationships - none lasted mor than 6-7 months).

I feel lost and lonely, and totally crap about my future. My best years are behind me and no-one wanted me then so no-one is going to want me in the future.

When I look back on my life it seems like I haven't really had one, and my future looks like maybe 35-40 more years of the same; struggling on my own emotionally and financially and what sort of life is that.

I know I don't need a guy in my life to have a life, and I manage perfectly well without, but regardless of that, all I see is emptiness ahead and I hate this feeling.

It's not the menopause as I started that when I was 40 and am on HRT, and I know I can't do anything about a new job or move houses etc at the moment because of my youngest's education. And I've given up on dating (not the kinda lass guys want - had enough broken hearts to know that one). I don't really have the money to join a club or take up a hobby (beyond walking, and I refuse to join my local WI as the youngest person there is 70!)

I have seen my GP and I'm not depressed. He told me I just had a 'not very easy life' and as such it wasn't a suprise I sometimes felt a bit down (am sleeping and eating OK - just feeling a bit sorry for myself and crap).

Am I being unreasonable feeling so crap about having what is clearly a mid-life (& empty nest) crisis?

And more importantly, how the F do I do something to make me feel better about the pathetic existence I have.

no you arent being unreasonable to be reflecting on whats gone by and whats to come

I did a course at evening classes and met some nice people there - unfortunately due to funding thats now been cancelled - but that may be an idea to increase your social circle

YANBU, i think everyone reaches a stage when they think 'eeek, is this it?'. The answer of course is 'no it doesn't have to be' - what are your goals? what are your dreams? do you make a positive effort to do things that make you happy (rather than doing what is easy?)?

Will post more later as working now...

Yes, I've had this "is that it moment", and do continue to have them too.

I think you need to identify something that you could get enough motivation up to do - exercise class, voluntary work, dance class, quiz team, walking group.....could you socialise with anyone from work?

The hardest part is finding something that makes you want to make the effort - but if you can, then it might help you look forward more positively.

On the other hand, don't be too down on yourself and feel that you haven't achieved much - you've brought up 2 children, run a house and have a job - that's a major thing in itself. Treat yourself occasionally - I buy a book if I'm feeling down (usually I get them from the library), have a little luxury food item occasionally - be kind to yourself!

I'm going to get them to write "Was that it?" on my headstone!

what makes you think you can't meet someone at 45? plenty of people do. of course if you aren't looking after yourself you will feel worthless and as if no one will want you.

why not prioritise getting your diet and exercise together? i can't believe you are so minging that if you got yourself toned and trimmed, a haircut and some new clothes you couldn't be found attractive by anyone??

the empty nest is a possibility not a fullstop.

45? Middle-aged?
No WAY!!!

Sounds like yr GP's right - you don't seem depressed, but you do seem to be feeling down and working very hard. It's great you're happy with your kids, and love them lots - have you got colleagues who you could go for drinks with? I'd also encourage you to join a church or do something for yourself like an evening class. You sound like a kind-hearted hard-working intelligent women. Your life won't always feel like this. xx

If you like walking, join a singles and unattached walking group and spend every weekend walking about with other women who want someone nice to chat to and share experiences, and maybe a nice man in there who will see your qualities. I know a couple of slightly older (60+) women who have done this and it has revitalized their social lives and in both cases they have found new men too.

45 is way too young to give up. I do think it's natural to stock-take though, and I can understand why you feel a bit lonely, but you must also give yourself the credit bit, which is that you have your own home (more than I have) and two children successfully making their way in the world. Now is your time I think, to do the things you enjoy, it doesn't have to be spectacular, just eating stuff you like, reading, building in treats, or doing something more daring, like starting a hobby like horse-riding or running or travelling.

Try reading this - it's about well-being and things that can either make us happy or more able to cope with adversity. There's loads on there and though it's written as a school programme of study there are heaps of suggestions for extra reading.

You seem to be quite focused on a worst case scenario for your future - for some balance and perpsective you also need to consider what the best case might be, what the worst case really would be and what the most likely outcome is.

HTH

I met my lovely dp at 41. Don't give up hope!

I wasn't looking - just persuing a hobby and there he was.

Try and take up a hobby or go to an evening class. There are plenty of new friends to be made.

I would really try and do one or two things that aren't a means to an end (meet man, make friends) but just an end in themselves, because they are pleasurable for you.

Cinema (I love going on my own), art galleries, ballet, anything cultural can be very satisfying and stimulating. It is hard to do those things on your own at first but it is also rewarding, and there is a lot of free stuff out there. Another plus is that when you do socialise, you have things to talk about.

I think it is normal to feel how you do, it's a case of what you do about it that makes the difference.

What do you want your life to be like? You can't start planning how to get there unless you know the answer to that first. Don't let yourself think that there is anything that you 'can't' do.

Aim high and good luck :-)

A lot of people feel like that coming up to landmark birthdays. You have two beautiful children. An awful lot of people would envy you that from the bottom of their heart.

I agree with other posters. Try to get out a bit more and do things you're interested in. That way you are more likely to meet people you have something in common with (and maybe someone special because you're not 'out on the prowl', just doing something you enjoy.)

Hi there, not sure really where you start to make yourself feel better, but life is all about choices.

Im just a year older than you and have nothing to show for my age other than me beautiful kids.

The youngest goes off this year to Uni, leaving me alone, I can't work as I'm ill.

I do know myself that if I want things to change I have to look to that change myself.

Have you considered evening classes for something? Cookery? Wine tasting they seem to be popular courses.

You are 45 not 75! Actually, even my 75 year old mother has a younger outlook on life than you. Please don't take that as a criticism, but I hate to see young women talk about their lives like they are over.

Tell me, what makes you think you are "not the kinda lass guys want"? Also, why is your mortgage so high? How big is your house?

Here's an idea Teahouse - and I bet it's one you've never thought of.

Try bellringing. Yes really. I'm not barking - hear me out.
-wherever you live there'll be a tower nearby with bells.
-easy to find out when practice nights are (pm me if baffled)
-ringers love training new recruits and are very welcoming
-adult learners very common, and they generally turn up by themselves.
-you have the pride and satisfaction of learning a new skill
-it's a complete brain cleanse and workout
-it's not a singles event so none of that rather cringey stuff. You're there for a reason
-but having said that.......(!)
-all ages represented, and men and women pretty equal in numbers, and certainly in skill
-it's free
-you don't have to tart yourself up for it
-doesn't matter if you're religious or not
-ringers organise all sorts of events and are very keen on pubs. (Just have a coke if you're hard up) A way in to a whole new and very friendly world - but you'll be just as welcome if you simply want to ring
-And how wonderful to be part of an ancient yet continuing tradition

Yes I do ring. Local tower were having an open day when youngest was 6 months old and I wandered in out of curiosity. That was 14 years ago. I was fortunate as DH available to look after kids when I was ringing - and a reasonable quid pro quo for the golf - but childcare not an issue for you either.

Give it a try - if you hate it what have you lost?

What a jolly good idea lambbone. I might have considered that myself if I didn't live in a muslim country

Actually, yes, I tried it once, the people were lovely - what a good idea.

I think it's also good advice to live life for yourself rather than with getting a man to share it with. That way you are doing something you enjoy and funnily enough - when you aren't looking ....

Also 45 isn't old at all but I know how you feel because I'm 50 and rounder and need the highlights now to disguise the grey rather than to look less mousy blonde.

And you have a home and two children and possible could get a smaller home and reduce the mortgage or take a lodger when they move out?

Sorry you feel so rubbish. There must be something you could do to meet people.

Was there anything you used to enjoy doing when you were younger? Could you take in a lodger to help with the mortgage and use the money to have a holiday or start a new activity? You sound like you could also do with some new clothes and a fresh hairstyle to boost your self-esteem. It sounds vain but feeling more positive about the way you look can give you more confidence to try new things.

There must be something you've dreamed of doing. You potentially have half your life left to go so it would be very sad to just give up on yourself. However many crap relationships you've had it doesn't mean you will never meet someone, although it could be a relief to stop looking and just do stuff to please yourself. Doing things you enjoy, you may meet some like-minded people. If you've had a tough life you deserve to have some fun now and you can make it happen. Decide what you'd like your life to be like and take small steps in that direction.

Thanks for the comments folks; keep them coming.

My mortgage is so high because my salary is so low, and the rate is 9% because I got an affordability mortgage 3 years ago on a small 3 bed house for me and my 2 teenage kids. I won't get a lower rate because most lenders won't give me a mortgage.

I'm undatable because that is what experience has taught - guys have never looked at me twice (although I'm a size 10, probably look more 40 than 45, not unattractive and dress nicely).

I like the bell ringing idea - my church does have bells so I could give that a go.

I live in a very small market town so 'activities' are very few and I'm pretty much the only lone parent around (even though I live on a council estate)

I do quite often go to the cinema on my own, but maybe I should do more art galleries and country houses; I love art and I think architecture is something I could get into to.

A course would be great but I have to work late around once a month, although maybe a Staurday course would be an option.

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself but someone I know is getting married soon, another is having a baby, a third just about to be published for the first time, a fourth buying her first property, and me... I seem to be stuck with the same old same old.

What upsets me most is that the only person I have talked to about how I feel, says they can't help; didn't even get an e-hug on the e-mail.

Gotta be strong before I go home though - my remaining child won't cope well with a blabbering mother cooking tea. I feel an early night is in order and hope that tomorrow really is another day.

Stop looking for a date and start enjoying yourself. Of course you are attractive of course you are worth having. At least you can look in the mirror without wobbling and I bet your teenage kids don't give you a prod and giggle and go "wibble wobble". I'm only a 14 btw but they do!

You might like too, its 15 minutes though so get a cup of coffee first...

Aw - You know getting married, having a baby, buying your first property - you've already done those things! Doesn't mean it'll work out better for them than it has for you!

You have plenty of new beginnings ahead and it's up to you what they are.

I bet you are not the only single mum in your town. It sounds like you are probably quite a babe but lack confidence and have had some bad luck.

Hope the bell ringing goes well. Have an electronic hug from me!

You need to develop a passion, it sounds like you haven't found it yet.

You 'love art' - develop it, classes, visits, books, join an art group.

Find the passion and explore it. Maybe art will lead to a craft you like - anything from silk screening to copper moulding is around.

Good luck and take care of yourself

If you are on a low income/benefits you can get funding from the Open University. Depends on circumstances, but you can get up to the full cost of courses paid plus extra for expenses such as a laptop.
Although the courses are distance learning they do usually have face to face tutorials, so there is the opportunity to meet other people. There are also residential courses.

Try and see opportunities in everything. You don't have small children that need your attention and time, you don't have a partner to consider when making plans. A lot of people would envy your freedom. :-)