to feel so crap about being middle-aged?

[teahouse]

I'm soon to turn 45 and have an Ok life.

I have a job I mostly like, a house (huge mortgage though so no dispossable income to speak of, and certainly no holidays), have 2 wonderful kids who despite dyslexia and dyspraxia are doing OK (eldest at Uni and youngest shoudl get enough GCSE's to get into 6th form).

But I have virtually no friends and due to my work, a typical 9-5 day would be unusual.Plus I've been a single parent for over 10 years and have not ever had a proper relationship (ex-husband cheated on me for most of my marriage, and I've only had a few other relationships - none lasted mor than 6-7 months).

I feel lost and lonely, and totally crap about my future. My best years are behind me and no-one wanted me then so no-one is going to want me in the future.

When I look back on my life it seems like I haven't really had one, and my future looks like maybe 35-40 more years of the same; struggling on my own emotionally and financially and what sort of life is that.

I know I don't need a guy in my life to have a life, and I manage perfectly well without, but regardless of that, all I see is emptiness ahead and I hate this feeling.

It's not the menopause as I started that when I was 40 and am on HRT, and I know I can't do anything about a new job or move houses etc at the moment because of my youngest's education. And I've given up on dating (not the kinda lass guys want - had enough broken hearts to know that one). I don't really have the money to join a club or take up a hobby (beyond walking, and I refuse to join my local WI as the youngest person there is 70!)

I have seen my GP and I'm not depressed. He told me I just had a 'not very easy life' and as such it wasn't a suprise I sometimes felt a bit down (am sleeping and eating OK - just feeling a bit sorry for myself and crap).

Am I being unreasonable feeling so crap about having what is clearly a mid-life (& empty nest) crisis?

And more importantly, how the F do I do something to make me feel better about the pathetic existence I have.

I think if you feel empty it shows that you need to get involved with something. If you're nervous of being hurt in a relationship it might be easier to get involved in something than someone. Probably healthier for you long term too as you can't expect another person to fill any holes you have in your life.

The hardest part is making the first step - there are probably more opportunities out there than you realise. It can be hard to find out about other activities when you're at work all day. There might be things you could do on a weekend - a couple of hours volunteering maybe if you can't afford a class of some kind.

Just as a thought - if you feel there isn't much to do in your area, why not organise something yourself? It might feel a bit scary and takes a bit of effort but I bet there will be other people out there feeling the same as you do. I'm thinking book club rather than music festival but with time and as confidence increases...the sky's the limit really!

On a separate note, do you get to do any exercise? Even if you're not sporty (I know I'm not naturally) - a bit of physical activity can give you a massive mental boost as well.

Other posters are quite right - you're 45 and relatively free. That can be a good thing.

Hi Teahouse - I have seen quite a few of your posts lately on relationships and on here. I feel so much the same as you do, a lot of what you say has really struck a chord with me, although I am just in the run up to my 40th birthday (next week) and my children are a lot younger than yours. I am not sure where you are but if you would like to pm me we can maybe support each other a bit and cheer ourselves up?

but OP, you can change EVERYTHING!

I love being with the children, but always think I will enjoy the freedom when they will be 18 and 20. I will be 47 then, may sell up house for something smaller, and do something I really want to do.

In my case that would be to take a year out to teach English in Mexico or Guatemala, and improve my Spanish.

I know that may very well not be what you want, but I just want to show you a different perspective.

Also, about the "not feeling wanted by anybody" thing. A man is never the answer to your happiness. Maybe, once you feel happier about your life, you'll meet someone worthwile. There is no upper age limit, men age too. But maybe, by then, you are relishing your new life too much!

Just make some exciting plans to seize some freedom. I agree with posters about learning a new skill. It GIVES you energy. You can start small. Find something you love to do.

I think the potential to change everything is the scary bit.

There are things I think I'd like to do - travel and work overseas. I'd love to learn a foreign language as I have never been able to (ditto an instrument).

How and where do I start though - selling my house would be tricky enough with no savings and nowhere else to live, but do-able. How to go about moving abroad though? There must be places to find out about this though.

I think it's all so daunting and with no one to help me through the process I'm worried about making huge errors (I did this with my divorce - lost everything to my ex-husband as I had no support and he bullied me into believing I'd loose my kids if I went to a lawyer).

Guess, one step at a time and accept that I'll have off times is a good start.

Thanks for all the support folks

Hiya Teahouse
I'm a couple of years older than you and I feel like this too sometimes. Trouble is with me, is that in my head i'm still 21!

But then I look at my life (which has never been easy by any stretch and isn't now either) and think of all the wonderful things I've made happen; my 5 kids for a start; the fact that my 2 youngest are so fluffing fantastic even though they're severely disabled; that at 43 I finally got to do my degree at university and came out with a very respectable 2:1 despite being raised by a lunatic mother who told me I was thick/stupid etc; that I own my own lovely house with a small mortgage due to careful money management (making a fiver into £20!); this and much more. And all despite other peoples interventions and not because of them.
I've had the ex who ran off with me best mate leaving me with a 7 month old baby, the next ex I kicked out when my 2nd child was 9 months...he robbed me blind and left thgousands of debt for me to clear up...

Anyway the poiunt is that all the things you've been through in your life, both good and bad have made you this wonderful strong capable clever and efficient woman who has also successfully raised two obviously brilliant kids. So pat yourself on the back. Age is just a number.