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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Wonder How I Ended Up With Such A Shit Life?

38 replies

ICannotBloodyBelieveIt · 31/01/2011 21:38

When I look back to my late teen years, they were so full of promise! I was (and still consider myself to be)a highly intelligent, decent, caring, happy person and I envisaged a high powered career and a fun life.

Fast forward 20 years and I am jobless (baby to look after and childcare unfeasible, DH works), with 4 DC (all of the older 3 having problems at school which is causing me no end of stress), teenager is an absolute nightmare, money so tight we are about to be taken to court as we have not been able to pay the last £400 of council tax we owe for the rest of this year, AND living in temporary council provided accommodation (basically a private rental where we pay £900 a month while we wait another 3 years at least for a permanent council house). This is after we have had to move 3 times in the last 2 years as previous landlords decided to sell up after assuring us they would let long term to us so the last one we let evict us (got notice 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant again and a bloody shock that was too) as we could not face going through it all again Sad. I cannot have friends over here because I am too embarrassed.

We lost everything financially 2 years ago due to really shit bad luck and (seems to be never ending) and will probably never again own a house or be comfortable financially.

I absolutely cannot believe we are in this situation. We have our health of course(well physical not quite mental). AIBU to wish I could go back to being 18 again so I can start over??

OP posts:
GarconsSontCommeDesChiens · 31/01/2011 21:40

work evenings/weekends, outwith DH's working hours, okay so you might not see much of each other but you would be digging your way out of the hole

bubbleandsqueaks · 31/01/2011 21:42

YANBU as I wish the same.

I am too in a position which I consider to be down to bad luck, with a few bad decsions thrown in, which mean that we will never again own a house so I totally sympathise.

I hold onto to the fact that we are only 30 and you never know what is around the corner. My 2 dd's keep me going day to day - they are the only thing that I have done right in the past 10 years.

I guess you just find the positives, cling onto them and hope things improve.

Hope things get better very soon for you Icantbloodybelieveit

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 21:42

yanbu!!!
but you know whats really bad!?

dd is 16 and her sis is 14...and they sit planning their futures,and it makes me soooo bloody jealous....eldest dd is planning college in London,and will be doing all the things i did. tis not fair,and i feel for your situation op

WimpleOfTheBallet · 31/01/2011 21:42

Oh it sounds bad at the moment for you! Have you told anyone else how down you are?

LindyHemming · 31/01/2011 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 31/01/2011 21:43

I often wonder if I could go back to the age of 12 and do it all again, my life would be so different too.

It's about the routes we take on our life, if we could just go back and make a left turn instead of a right etc., choices it is the choices we make that bring us to where we are today, and only we can change the now.

Hard as it may seem it is the only way things will change if we want them too enough.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 31/01/2011 21:44

I don't quite understand jealousy with regards to DCs. Aren't you happy for them? What's stopping you Tiffany? Dong something I mean.

OP it's partly having such a young baby...those frst three years are a killer!

zikes · 31/01/2011 21:46

Maybe there's something like, I dunno, Avon that might bring in a bit of extra cash and be reasonably doable?

It's really poo, but don't lose all hope for the future, things won't always be like this. When the dc are older you'll have more options.

compo · 31/01/2011 21:49

I'm sure if you got a job things would look up

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/01/2011 21:49

So sorry OP... I've heard it said that life is a bit like a barometer and that it all equals out in the end... I hope that's true and that your luck takes a turn for the better.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 21:50

wimpole......jealous of stepping out into the world....wish i could go back and do a few things differently,tho thinking about it,i did alot!! its a wierd feeling

Thingumy · 31/01/2011 21:51

Agree with fabby.

Are there any courses you could do at your local college (they have childcare and it should be subsidised as you are on low income?)

Are the school helping out with the issues surrounding your teens?

Sorry you feel do desperate at the moment.

Life is dreadfully shit at times and it's hard to see the joy,I agree.

Little baby steps towards positivity eh?

tribpot · 31/01/2011 21:53

It sounds absolutely shit. Sympathies.

Now: what do you do about it? It feels like you need to break the problems down, as things stand it's all just one overwhelming tide of crap and it's no wonder you don't know where to turn.

Have you posted on moneysavingexpert.com or The Motley Fool's debt board? It sounds like you need to head that one off at the pass as Council Tax debt is one of the worst ones not to pay in terms of consequences. Have you considered bankruptcy?

It sounds like your last pregnancy was an accident, can you take steps to ensure that doesn't happen again, assuming you don't want any more kids?

For the school problems, are the school aware of how much other pressure you're under? Can they offer some solutions? Bear in mind all teenagers are nightmares, it's their default setting, but the stress for your family can't be helping anyone. Have you spoken to your GP about any kind of referral?

I would forget about the renting v. buying argument, it's a quirk of British culture that compared to other parts of Europe we see buying as the norm and renting somehow bad. Frankly as a landlord who's seen rents tank over recent years, I'd almost rather be renting right now, to be honest!

None of the situation that you are in means you aren't a highly intelligent, decent, caring, happy person. You've had shit luck.

lilyliz · 31/01/2011 21:57

If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have none at all.So wish I could go back and do it differently but I can't so I try to make the best of it and find the things to laugh about as do loads in the same position.You sound pretty young so time for better things ahead though you can't see that just now.

anastasiaviolet · 31/01/2011 22:05

So strange, I was thinking the same thing today, literally that if I met my 18 year old self I would be mortified. I want to cry when I think about all my hopes and dreams and ambitions back then, none of them realised 20 years on.

Rather than living in some foreign country as I'd planned to do after my degree, with a husband and family - I live in a former council house, filthy on the outside with a garden I have no time to tend, surrounded by noisy neighbours who regularly have the police at their door, in the crappest part of the town I grew up in with 3 children by different fathers and a husband I don't really get on with, eldest is a nightmare as you'll see from my other posts. We're stuck in this house for the foreseeable future for reasons I won't go into. I work full time in a job I don't really like that is very demanding but I have to do it as husband has few prospects and we couldn't survive on his wage.

I'm fat, too, and constantly skint.

I wouldn't be without my children but god I wish my life was different sometimes. Nobody to blame but myself though... I made my own choices.

Am so sorry for you, sounds like you're having a crap time.You're so right though to say that you all have your health. Hold on to that thought - in some ways, as long as you all have that, and a bit of love, that's all that matters.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 31/01/2011 22:20

I think it sounds like some people need to be a bit more selfish...put yourself first sometimes. You'll be doing your DC a favour y letting them see self respect and love!

I know it's hard when you're grinding...I've been there and still am a bit.

But I have also put myself to the fore somewhat and that has created positive outcomes for the family...it's never too late to change things...

bringontheweekend · 31/01/2011 22:44

I really empathise with you. Ive made some crap choices in my life and I wish I could go back and change them. I often wish I hadnt married my ex-husband but then I wouldnt have gone on to have my child who I adore. I too am skint and in debt. Any money I get I spend on my child - any birthday, xmas money I get goes on bills so never get the chance to treat myself. I really feel for you but hope that things can only get better for you if they are so bad now. Think you need to speak to school if you havent already and definately book out some "me" time for yourself.

Original poster
ICannotBloodyBelieveIt · 31/01/2011 22:44

Thanks all - I appreciate your replies. It IS all about choices and although I believe the choices I/DH made were made with the best intentions, I wish to bloody god we had'nt made them! We have had some unbelieveable shit luck though as well.

DC4 was unplanned and has made life just that bit harder although he is also a light in our lives as well and is so bloody gorgeous, I just wish our circumstances were different so I could enjoy him more.

The older DCs school problems are not that major but just add to the sense of failure and regret Sad.

DH works all the hours god sends and as he works evenings/weekends and different shifts each week, there is no way I could work without childcare. Also as we are in 'temporary' accommodation, the DCs still go to their old schools which are 3/4 miles away so we need to run two cars and all the extra costs which go with it. I am studying at home but realistically it will take 3 years to get anything from it and I am bloody 38!!

We are in a hole and I am optimistic we will dig ourselves out at some point. I am just bloody pissed off that life is soo hard at the moment and can't quite figure out how this happened to us.

I take comfort that we have experienced a lot, learnt important life lessons and have gratitude for the smaller things in life now but I just want to go back and change it. Ahh well I do sometimes imagine myself as an old lady laughing about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ICannotBloodyBelieveIt · 31/01/2011 22:49

I never imagined in my wildest dreams at 18 that I would be waiting to move into a council house! Unbloody believable.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 31/01/2011 22:49

I know how you feel 12 months ago our lives seemed utterly hopeless but things have improved and fingers crossed will continue to do so.
If you get out there and make what you can happen, control what you can and pray a lot, it seemed to work for me.

zikes · 31/01/2011 22:50

Maybe you could replace one of the cars with a motorbike or moped, assuming one car is mostly used for him to go to work and the other is for ferrying the kids?

May not be feasible, but it's one way to cut costs, as running two cars is a massive drain on finances.

bringontheweekend · 31/01/2011 22:50

Chin up - hope you take some comfort in the knowledge that your not alone!!! Smile

fifi25 · 31/01/2011 23:00

Me and my ex had money problems, lost the the house and split up with a load of debt. I ended up unemployed with 2 kids and then ended up pregnant. I was also on the emergency council housing list. It took a year to get a house in a not very nice area at the opposite end of the town to where kids went to school. I refused to move them and walked it come rain or shine. I put myself on exchange list and got a house on a nice estate next to the school after 18 mnths. It was 3 years of uncertainty and worry but i got there in the end. You will dig yourself out and your luck will change.

fifi25 · 31/01/2011 23:03

P.s nothing wrong with council housing. In my area one strike and your out in your 1st year of tenancy. This seems to have worked. not sure about other areas.

dobiegirl · 31/01/2011 23:12

Was it a certain member of 'take that' who sang 'no regrets, they don't work!! I think a lot of people (if they were honest) would change heaps about thier lives if they could.

I would change loads of things, but then again I do believe there is a bigger picture, so what you think is totally shite now, will have a purpose later on, maybe even much later on.

What I'm trying to do is keep you optimistic!, perhaps at this point in time that is a ridiculous option to put before you, but perhaps fast forward 12, 24 months from now and it may make sense.

Don't ask me to explain that, I can't - just wait and see. Good luck