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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my ds swimming instructor pushed him under water

75 replies

roseability · 31/01/2011 20:16

My ds does swimming lessons, he is 4.11

He is very unsure about the water so I thought lessons would help him

When I say lessons, I expected them to be quite laid back as he is only 4

It is a lady that takes his lesson but sometimes a guy does some group stuff at the start then he takes another more advanced group

I have seen him badgering my ds to put his head under water before and today he just dunked him right under without proper warning. My ds looked like he was going to cry but I was in the water nearby and mouthed 'are you okay?'. He seemed reassured so I resisted the urge to go and punch this guy

After lesson woman comes up and asks if my ds enjoys the lessons as he is quite and doesn't take her on.

Well I let her know I wasn't happy about what the guy did and she said 'yes he pushes them more than I do'

WTF! They are 4 and I told her that might be why he isn't enjoying them as much as he should, that he doesn't want to put his head under yet but that is fine - it might take a little longer

My overall point is that I think too much is expected of kids these days. I think I will have words with that guy next week

OP posts:
beijingaling · 31/01/2011 21:41

Why on earth did he think this is a good idea? YANBU!

LindyHemming · 31/01/2011 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madmartigan · 31/01/2011 21:55

Hope you and DS have lots of fun swimming together, once he gets used to going to the pool and having fun I'm sure he'll get round to putting his head under.

Original poster
roseability · 31/01/2011 22:01

I just feel I let my son down because I didn't defend him more at the time

I actually snapped at him in the changing rooms because I have been stressed about some other problems we have been having at his nursery Sad

I later reassured him I was furious at that guy and not him. I also said he didn't have to go anymore or that I would have a word with that guy but I am worried he said he wanted to go again as he felt he should do

Will tell him in morning about swim fin and idea about going swimming just for fun

OP posts:
pleasechange · 31/01/2011 22:06

I'd find some other lessons - it could put the child off swimming for life.

It's different if they start swimming when they're really little and it becomes normal to be dunked - they end up being really confident. But at aged 4 it's a different ballgame and like you say, the child was already insecure in the water

pleasechange · 31/01/2011 22:07

roseability please don't feel guilty. It's always easier to assess a situation with the benefit of hindsight, but sometimes when it happens you're just a bit Shock and don't know how to react.

And we've all got stressed and snapped, don't beat yourself up about it

activate · 31/01/2011 22:09

you need to make sure he gets water over his head during bathtime

in a fun and home environment

the more you soak his head, like rinsing out shampoo and share a giggle the more confident he'll be about getting wet

try straws and bubbles in the bath too

Original poster
roseability · 31/01/2011 22:13

thanks allnew

He is a quiet, thoughful and at times shy wee boy. But so lovely and bright, he makes me proud every day

I feel this pressure though to fit in with the expected norm, which seems to be confident and capable children.

I snapped because in a crisis of confidence I wondered if it was my son, if I was doing something wrong and if he should be like the other kids who enjoy the lesson and chatter away

It is fine though, he knows I didn't mean it and I made it clear that the guy should not have frightened him like that. I am having a bad few weeks, but I am building confidence and starting to trust my own instincts and my son's

OP posts:
Original poster
roseability · 31/01/2011 22:15

thanks activate

its funny because his 19 month old sister is crazy in the water! She wants to go down the toddler slide (holding my hand) and is not a bit phased when her head goes under.

I wonder if it is partly because she has always bathed with her brother and he splashes her (although not himself Wink). It is also just personality I think

I think I was a bit precious with ds

OP posts:
vess · 31/01/2011 22:43

I think you shouldn't have made eye contact with him after he went under water, or said anything - unless he was very distressed and crying. It sounds like he was a bit shocked but ok - you should have given him thumbs up instead. He might surprise you and do things with the instructor that he wouldn't do with you.

A1980 · 31/01/2011 22:46

I couldn't swim until I was around 7 or more. I just wasn't very good and couldn't do it. I only had school lessons which are shit anyway.

When I went swimming with my mum and my brother I used to be pissed off that I could't swim. My mum used to try to "make" me swim by picking me up, one arm under my legs and the other under my back, holding me arms length away from her and swishing me around in the water really fast. I swear to god, it felt really unstable and almost as if i was going to fall off her arms into the water and in actual fact I did fall off once. I SCREAMED the swimming baths down whenever she did it and screamed for her to stop but she was completely oblivious. She carried on regardless until she decided to put me down and did it 3-4 times at every trip to the pool. I don't know what the fuck was the matter with her. She must have noticed it terrified and I wasn't learning to swim from it.

It only makes it worse to make an issue of it. Once when I was in a swimming pool alone (parents were right by the edge) I ended up swimming all by myself.

mitochondria · 31/01/2011 22:49

We were doing swimming lessons where you get in the water with children. Once they got to three, they went in with instructor.

My son wasn't very sure about this to start with, and his teacher was a "dunker" too.

One week he howled for the whole lesson, teacher said "you've got to force him to do it, he'll never learn otherwise".

Didn't take son back.

Original poster
roseability · 31/01/2011 22:55

vess he was distressed, I know my son

He was on the verge of crying but fought it back. My instinct says this won't bring him on and anyhow I saw it as bullying and won't accept such behaviour.

OP posts:
vess · 31/01/2011 23:34

Still think you should take a step back and let them get on with it without interfering. If he fought it back, good for him! Don't ruin his chances to overcome his fear.

littlebylittle · 31/01/2011 23:44

I'll never forget being pushed into water by swimming teacher, even from sitting, and I was ten at the time. Luckily had had fantastic lessons one holiday to teach me to swim, and didn't lose confidence completely. But it didn't make me learn to do a sitting dive and I hated lessons after that .

MadamDeathstare · 01/02/2011 03:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neepsntatties · 01/02/2011 04:22

We had lessons like this at primary school. I was bloody terrified and still hate swimming. My dad was the PE teacher at the local high school and when they had a pool built he had to ask each class who had experienced these lessons. Loads of my year group were scared of the water.

I would get him out of there.

barmbrack · 01/02/2011 06:38

Vess, you are wrong, I'm afraid.

Confidence is key to learning to swim. Ducking anyone (even those who are confident in the water) is extremely bad practice. Because the person (even a strong swimmer) doesn't know they are going to be ducked, they are not controlling their breathing and it can cause people to inhale water. In rare cases this can cause what is known as 'secondary drowning'. This is why there are 'no ducking' signs at every public pool in the country.

Ducking a child who is learning to swim is, well, like repeatedly pushing a child off a bike when they are trying to learn to get their balance. It makes me Angry that people are doing this and making out they know what is best. (and that people like Vess are falling for it...)

Just look at all the posts from people who experienced this sort of bullying in their swimming lessons and the effect it had on them.

Rosability, don't feel guilty. It's brilliant that your DS is learning to swim, and there is every reason why you should have been able to trust the 'instructor'. But now you know his 'methods' are counterproductive (and dangerous), I think you are completely right to never let that man teach him again and write a letter of complaint; do copy in the boss of the Leisure Centre or anyone high-up you can think of as then you have more chance of stopping this man from doing this to other children.

Your DS sounds lovely, by the way. Hope he likes the SwimFin. Do let us know how he gets on with it! Smile

barmbrack · 01/02/2011 06:42

Oh, and by the way, the baby swimming lessons that have been mentioned, where babies are swooped under the water when very young are completely different. Babies are born with a reflex that makes the 'hold their breath' when underwater and, when done correctly (i.e. baby knows when it is going to happen, baby removed from water if they get at all distressed), these lessons are a really good basis for water confidence as they reinforce the 'holding your breath' reflex which is otherwise lost as the child gets older.

Not the same as ducking.

blueshoes · 01/02/2011 06:52

I am a good swimmer now but had a phobia of putting my head under water when I was younger. I did know how it arose but my parents always said it was because I got my head dunked under water when I was young.

Both dd and ds are not natural water babies. I guess they got it from me.

Dd spent much of her time aged 4-5 refusing to fully participate in swimming lessons.

I just stopped all lessons. And took them to swim on weekends. No pressure or any instruction from me. Just splashing around. Now she 7 and ds 4 are happily going for swimming lessons, no fear of putting their heads under water.

Googles really help, hth.

onceamai · 01/02/2011 06:54

Don't take him back; ask for your money back. Mine were both a bit nervous when they were 4 (dd until she was 6). Hasn't made them bad swimmers. I'd take him yourself, just for fun, for a few months to build up his confidence again.

We always found the instructors contracted to the Local Authority pools better quality and more adept at handling more nervous children than the private swimming pools.

onceamai · 01/02/2011 06:55

I meant to say private swimming schools.

BerryLellow · 01/02/2011 07:41

A number of my friends are swimming teachers, and I've seen enough lessons in my time (worked in a leisure centre) to know that the best teachers DO NOT need to dunk. DS1 is going to lessons at the moment where the teacher is in the water with the learners and they all get to splash along together. He went from scared to going underwater by himself within a few lessons.

I'd add more, but it's totally unnecessary - barmbrack has it all covered. It's all about water confidence, not just doing as they are told. Especially if you live near open water as we do (sea) Confidence is key.

Ephiny · 01/02/2011 08:07

I had a swimming teacher who did this when I was a kid (as well as being a nasty bully in general), it just made me terrified of the water and nearly put me off swimming for life.

I did learn again as an adult, went to adult classes at my local pool with a nice sympathetic teacher, but lots of people never find the time and/or confidence to do that so never learn to swim :(

Meglet · 01/02/2011 08:36

Bully. Write and complain. He shouldn't be teaching.

Can you ds change to another class?