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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend was being very passive-aggressive

33 replies

CheeseChomper · 31/01/2011 12:24

Don't know why i'm thinking of this now but has been bugging me... I obviously have too much time on my hands! Grin

A friend of mine has a birthday that is 4 days after mine (at beginning of Dec), and we have always sent each other birthday cards. FWIW I always pride myself in sending friends cards and remembering birthdays, even if I don't always get one back. I received her lovely card a few days before my birthday and thanked her for it on my birthday. Then there was the heavy snow, and so I ended up posting her card a couple of days later than usual (was/am heavily preggers so wasn't very safe trotting up the road to buy and post card at the time). I text her happy birthday on her special day, and warned her that her card would be a bit late because I had posted late and because of Royal Mail having probs with the snow.

All seemed fine, but turns out she never received my card, as 3 weeks ago, she posted on my Facebook wall for all to see:

"Still no birthday card. Oh well, maybe I'll get it this time next year, haha. So how are you?"

I think I was pissed off because a.) I always remember her birthday and it made me look uncaring b.) She's had previous of doing this sort of thing before but in front of other people i.e. put me down but then say "i'm only joking, haha". Angry

AIBU in thinking that this is a very passive-aggressive post? or am I over-thinking things? I'm not generally a sensitive soul but I was miffed because she had text me earlier that day and so could've said the same thing in the text if she really wanted to, and also she hardly ever fbs me any other time.

OP posts:
Sullwah · 31/01/2011 12:26

I think you are overthinking

TattyDevine · 31/01/2011 12:28

Overthinking it. Everything is "passive agresssive" on Mumsnet.

She was taking the piss out of you. Friends do that, have a bit of banter. It works because you are friends. Well thats the idea.

YABU

NinkyNonker · 31/01/2011 12:29

Over thinking. Definitely.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 31/01/2011 12:29

i'd take that as aimed at royal mail not you.

TrillianAstra · 31/01/2011 12:29

You are overthinking - it sounds as if she was taking the mickey out of Royal Mail, not you.

BarbieLovesKen · 31/01/2011 12:30

I think you are over thinking too but being heavily pregnant you are allowed be a bit over sensitive.

I would have taken it that she was being snotty about Royal mail actually - in that service is so bad she may be lucky to get it next year, if that makes sense?

BarbieLovesKen · 31/01/2011 12:31

Oh x posts with everyone else Grin - great minds.

GandalfyCarawak · 31/01/2011 12:31

??!!!!???! Seriously?
You were wondering if her card had arrived yet. She told you it hasn't. How is that passive aggressive?

LadyThumb · 31/01/2011 12:34

Think you are definitely overthinking - I have friends who are still waiting for cards/parcels posted at the beginning of December!

She's not being passive/aggressive - just commenting!

Original poster
CheeseChomper · 31/01/2011 12:35

Oh I guess I didn't think that she might be aiming her comment at Royal Mail

Think if it was any other friend I wouldn't give it much of a thought, but she's got previous of subtly putting me (and others) down and then 'making a joke out of it'.

Thanks for keeping things in perspective (i'm very hormonal!)

OP posts:
GreenEyesandHam · 31/01/2011 12:36

Agree- overthinking

It was probably a less formal way of saying 'by the way, i havent said thank you for the card, because it hasn't got here yet. Bloody RM grr', which even in text could seem a bit contrived.

I bet she didn't even think ^^^that tbh, you're overthinking it :o

GandalfyCarawak · 31/01/2011 12:37

I wouldn't worry about being hormonal- When I was pg I sobbed in Ikea because a woman looked at me funny. :o

Original poster
CheeseChomper · 31/01/2011 12:38

Grin@ GandalfyCarawak

OP posts:
babylann · 31/01/2011 12:40

Probably overthinking. I had the same thing with a friend over the following convo on Facebook:

Me: You have to come over some time!
Friend 1: Sure! How does Friday sound?
Me: Sounds great! I'll cook dinner!
Friend 2: Babylann, you must be superwoman. When my DC were young, I never had time to cook.

She was probably being really friendly and complimentary, but I couldn't help feeling like she was saying: "so you obviously aren't going to be spending much time with your DD that day! Jeez woman, prioritise! A good mum doesn't have dinner parties! She's too busy sitting at the side of the cot, watching the baby sleep."

PigeonPair · 31/01/2011 12:46

Sorry to disagree, but I think she is making her point that she managed to get her card to you on time but you didn't (for whatever reason). By putting what she did and then writing "ha ha" afterwards tells me she is getting it off her chest but making a joke to disfuse what she means. That said, I overthink all the time so perhaps it's just me!

LouMacca · 31/01/2011 13:50

I agree with Pieon. She is obviously having a dig at you otherwise why mention it?

Lots of my DCs birthday cards arrived late (and a few had money in them) in early Jan and nobody questioned why they hadn't had a thank you because everyone knew about the problems with the post. I simply texted or phoned when they did arrive to say thank you and thats what your friend should do imo.

LouMacca · 31/01/2011 13:51

sorry agree with Pigeon

DirtyMartini · 31/01/2011 13:53

Gosh babylann - staying on your good side friend must be tough if you manage to take offense at that. Why so suspicious?

clevercloggs · 31/01/2011 13:54

Overthinking it. Everything is "passive agresssive" on Mumsnet.

wot she said ^ Grin just psycho-babble cos they read a book once

DirtyMartini · 31/01/2011 13:54

sorry, garbled syntax, typing round baby

DirtyMartini · 31/01/2011 13:59

OP: I agree with those who say it sounds like you might be overthinking this one. Can see why you were Hmm but it sounds more like a remark about the crapness of the postal service just now.

anonacfr · 31/01/2011 14:06

Did you actually ask her if she'd received the card?
Because if you hadn't it odd that she would make a comment like that out of the blue.

If it was a comment about the crapness of the postal service she would said something along the lines of 'still no birthday card, thanks Royal Mail'.

I agree with Pigeon and Lou. It's a petty thing to post on Facebook IMO.

Callisto · 31/01/2011 14:11

OP, you really have too much time on your hands if you're worrying about something as insignificant as this.

Original poster
CheeseChomper · 31/01/2011 14:45

Yes, already agreed that I have too much time on my hands! Grin

anonacfr Hadn't asked her if she'd received the card, which is why I thought it was weird too to come out of the blue on fb, when she could've mentioned it in the text she sent me earlier on in the dayConfused like I said, she never normally FBs me.

Still, it's not a big deal, just more niggled that it seemed like a bit of a sly dig, as like I said, she has previous of making little digs that chip away at you a bit. Probably am overthinking a bit.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 31/01/2011 14:48

(Bangs head on desk and laments the passing of what we affectionately called a sense of humour)