to think a couple of hours a week with irritating MIL is enough?

[littlebbd75]

Throughout my pregnancy I got a major sense that my BF's parents saw me as an incubator for their unborn grandchild, I have never felt part of their family in the way that BF is a part of mine. I knew that once the baby was here it was going to be tough but not quite this tough. The emotional blackmail has already begun - little one is not even three weeks old and when we visited this weekend, MIL was given a cuddle with her at which point she starts to talking to baby with 'you're going to come and visit me all the time, and sometimes without your parents'... I ask you, trying to emotionally blackmail through a newborn! She also reeled off the number of hours she has spent with the baby since birth as if to make us guilty. Then, she telephoned a friend of hers neither I nor BF had ever met to come and meet the baby at which point she promptly hands my daughter over to a stranger for a cuddle even though I had already asked for her not to be passed around as she was asleep. She does not respect my position as my child's mother and I can't bear to spend a minute with her, particularly until she can respect this boundary and also understand that I have my own family that I need to spend time with. I feel terrible as this sounds silly when I write this down (obviously these are just a couple of examples from a catalogue of irritations) but its upsetting me to the point that its keeping me up at night, and I've even had silly thoughts of leaving the BF, who I love very much just so I don't have to spend time with this woman!! I am finding it so hard to have this woman behaving as if she is the mother of my child and trying to force herself upon us all the time. To top it off, we registered baby in BF's name this week and MIL carries on like she is now part of a club that I, her mother is not in, and I am devastated and wished I had named her my surname. Help - anyone got any advice for a way to set some ground rules with MIL or also feeling a bit panicked at the thought of a lifetime ahead of a MIL in their lives they don't like?

I really feel for you. My MIL was exactly the same. Snatched DD off me as soon as she came and then ignored me or sat with her back to me. It took her 3 years to say Hello to me. It was worse because when I was pregnant she offered to pay for an abortion. But as soon as the baby was born she was all over her. Which would have been great if she didn't treat me like shit. She even had her friends having a go at me in town. She often said I took DH away from her and said DH should come alone without me. When I was in labour with DD2 she said to DH to leave me on my own and go round to hers for a brew on his own!!She also wanted to take DD abroad as a baby, without us. We said no but said thanks very much for the offer and maybe when she is older but she went off in a huff.

Anyway the only thing that worked was backing off and getting DH to insist she treats me with respect. It was hard as DH was terrified of MIL at first. It took several years and there were some awful incidents but we actually get along now. She was forced to be civil to me and so then I was to her and we sort of even like each other now. It is far easier if everyone gets on, even if it is through gritted teeth. We all gain. But your MIL has to learn she will see less of you if she is pushy etc. Otherwise she will carry on. Why would you see more of someone in your own home if they treat you like shit?

I registered DD in my name as I didn't want to be the odd one out and if we split wanted same name as DD. Could you change it or double barrel it?

You're not overreacting. Am I the only one who lurks on the relationship boards and thinks "narcissistic personality disorder" even if in a minor way?

You REALLY need to make sure that your DP is going to be on YOUR side and not MIL's. You and DD are his number one priority now, not his mother.

I think you are over-reacting and need to calm down, these arent real issues.

Saying to the baby that they will stay over without parents - All loving grandparents are dying for that. She wants a relationship with her grandchild independent to you - thats normal and a positive thing for your child.

Handing baby over to stranger - My mother did this, I hated it too, asked her not to. She told me I was overprotective, I said I didnt care, my DD, not hers.

I don't think it's over reacting. The OP mentions that her MIL was dismissive of her throughout her pregnancy- there's obviously a pattern there.
Passing the baby to a stranger wasn't the issue, the issue was that baby was asleep at the time and OP had asked MIL not to do it. Even if MIL thought OP was being silly she should have respected her wishes.

And the toy comment was really spiteful. Unless she was trying to be funny and failing miserably, like my FIL who every time he sees me when I'm pregnant, 'jokes' that he doesn't really think I'm pregnant just getting fat.

YABU the MIl bitching on MN gets on my nerves ...can we have a MIL topic so I can hide it

If it gets on your nerves don't open the threads.
Have you even read the OP's posts? Fact is most MILs are great but there are exceptions and it can affect families/marriages.

hi littlebd, I don't think you are overreacting or being unreasonable at all. Maybe a little sensitive but then that is totally understandable and to be expected. I had a very similiar experience with DP's parents when my DD was born. I found it very hard to deal with and found it very difficult to be assertive with them, although I don't normally have trouble with this. Lots of your post rings true and I am afraid in my case it didn't get any better. It has now got to the point where I have had to tell DP that if it continues then I do not want to have contact with them although I would never stop him taking DC's to see them. Hopefully things will be easier for you however and as others have pointed out it is important to try and see it from their point of view. I can look back and see that MIL was extremely excited at beooming a grandparent for the first time. As my own Mum pointed out it can take some time to adjust to the role of grandparent. I have three older siblings and my DD is my Mum's 8th grandchild so as she said she has had plenty of practice at it. However my MIL had not, nor has she any daughters and again as another poster pointed out this is perhaps very relevant. I think if you can find ways to be assertive with her though this is really important. If your DP is understanding of your position that will obviously make things much easier. perhaps making sure that DP is always there at visits and keeping them relatively short could help just now. Also, a slight aside but if you are using a sling or baby carrier at all this can be really useful if you don't want to pass your DD around! Much easier to say, oh sorry she is really comfy in the sling just now, rather than, I don't want you to hold her:). And finally, big, big congratulations and as others have said don't let this spoil this precious time. Oh and the surname thing, if you feel strongly about it now I would def look and see if your name could be included in the b cert in retrospect. We used my surname as I felt very strongly that I wanted to have same surname as my children and DP really didn't mind either way. It has caused major difficulties with in-laws but I am really, really glad that we decided they would have my name. Goodluck!

Yes I read the first post and think the op is overeating and looking for reasons to find the mil irritating

overreacting even

@ overeating!

I think you have to remember also that you are used to your Mum, for instance my DM could really irritate someone that didn't know her but I have grown up with her and am used to her, also you are more aware of each others boundaries.

The only thing I would have had issue with in the op, was passing the baby to a stranger against my wishes -this is where you swoop in and make an excuse. Like I said previously there are non-agressive ways to assert yourself and not exaggerate any ill feeling.

You have posted on AIBU and therefore should expect posts to disagree with you.

Erm whispering little passive aggressive jibes don't sit well with me either.

This MIL has no manners at all. I would rather pay £50 an hour for someone decent to babysit my son than have one nasty passive aggressive woman with some kind of issue getting anywhere near him.

I am well aware that I will be a MIL one day, may even live to see GC, but I will be damned sure not to bitch at the DIL through the child.