to think a couple of hours a week with irritating MIL is enough?

[littlebbd75]

Throughout my pregnancy I got a major sense that my BF's parents saw me as an incubator for their unborn grandchild, I have never felt part of their family in the way that BF is a part of mine. I knew that once the baby was here it was going to be tough but not quite this tough. The emotional blackmail has already begun - little one is not even three weeks old and when we visited this weekend, MIL was given a cuddle with her at which point she starts to talking to baby with 'you're going to come and visit me all the time, and sometimes without your parents'... I ask you, trying to emotionally blackmail through a newborn! She also reeled off the number of hours she has spent with the baby since birth as if to make us guilty. Then, she telephoned a friend of hers neither I nor BF had ever met to come and meet the baby at which point she promptly hands my daughter over to a stranger for a cuddle even though I had already asked for her not to be passed around as she was asleep. She does not respect my position as my child's mother and I can't bear to spend a minute with her, particularly until she can respect this boundary and also understand that I have my own family that I need to spend time with. I feel terrible as this sounds silly when I write this down (obviously these are just a couple of examples from a catalogue of irritations) but its upsetting me to the point that its keeping me up at night, and I've even had silly thoughts of leaving the BF, who I love very much just so I don't have to spend time with this woman!! I am finding it so hard to have this woman behaving as if she is the mother of my child and trying to force herself upon us all the time. To top it off, we registered baby in BF's name this week and MIL carries on like she is now part of a club that I, her mother is not in, and I am devastated and wished I had named her my surname. Help - anyone got any advice for a way to set some ground rules with MIL or also feeling a bit panicked at the thought of a lifetime ahead of a MIL in their lives they don't like?

Sounds like she's just over eager and delighted to be a Grandmother. I think you're understandably over sensitive right now.

I wouldn't make too many waves, as you never know how much you may come to rely on and appreciate her help in the future.

Ooops forgot to say Congratulations !!!

aah Fannybaws, if only BF's brother looked likely to have children that would very much be the answer to my prayers, though glad to hear there may be light at the end of the tunnel! And you're right weefriend, that is the thing exactly, all small things but together they get you down. Probably with a bit more sleep and a little more assertiveness I'll be less aggro about this, particularly as I've such a beautiful joy asleep in her moses as we speak! Thanks so much

She sounds just like my MIL was when I had DD1. I remember feeling like you do now, I was so tired, living away from my family, not a clue what I was doing, and DP wasn'tmuch better.

On one occasion when DD was a few days old MIL arrived on the doorstep and told me to go to bed, she'd sit with DD for an hour. I was so wrecked I just said screw it, I'll go. I was awoken not long after to the sound of her sister leaving my house. I hadn't invited her in, MIl hadn't asked if she could call, and never mentioned that she was there. When I asked her she just said oh, she was passing and wanted to see the baby seeing as you haven't really brought her over to our house yet. It was a good indicator of things to come.

Now, nearly 5 years later, and one and a half more babies, I've finally learned how to deal with her. We've also moved far away from the ILs.

I think I started to crack when I had DD2. DPs brother and his girlfriend came over when DD2 was a few weeks old to tell us they were pregnant. They were only there a few mins when MIL arrived to tell us the news herself. Anyway, we were chatting and congratulating and DPs SIL was saying how she's nervous about having the baby and being at home etc alone. I said its hard at the start but its fine, and other encouraging sounds. MIL then remarked I don't know what you're talking about Flowermum, I was here every day looking after you when you had DD1!. I just stood up and left the room, couldn't stop the tears. We barely saw her for the first few weeks unless we went to their house adn the odd time she called to let me sleep for an hour. I think everyone got the message, and DP finally manned up and got rid of them. And then I had a breakdown, crying, screaming, the lot.

She also took a pop at my mother one night when she said she thought my mother was a disgrace for not coming to the hospital the morning I was rushed into emergency surgery because my appendix burst. She came the morning after, when I had come to instead. I nearly hit her, really, it was very bad. I got emotional and everything, which I never do in front of people. I made a half arsed defence that my mother lived at the other side of the country, had a business to run and four other children to look after and anyway, I was unconscious so what use would she have been anyway. Cow.

Basically, what I'm saying is some MILs are awful, and I don't know why. Until I had DD1 we used to get on ok. God knows what happened, the surname thing did insult her. I insisted on double barrel. And also point blank refused to name DD Wallace, her maiden name. My surname is Wall. HELLO!

Anyway, the way I deal with her now is I NEVER ask her for anything. I've very rarely asked her to help out with DDs re childminding, from day 1 I'vebeen as independent as I could.

I know lots of people say you're lucky to have her to help with your baby, but hard and all as it is to have a small baby, distancing yourself from her might just be easier. And tell your BF to MAN UP!

Sorry, took forever to write that and didn't see your last post. You're right, rest and assertiveness will get you through! Having a newborn is enough work without having an interfering MIL to worry about too!

Hi there.

Similar experience here, particularly with dd1 who is now 7. MIL made me feel soooo claustrophobic with her incessant molly coddling of dd1. I remember when dd1 was a few days old and the il's came to visit, dd1 was in her moses basket, and literally every squeak mil was up peering in.

I know she means well, but it drove me mad and continues to do so.

She just takes over, even when I am around.

We were at a pub a few months back, and the dd's were playing in the park bit quite happily and she kept getting up and checking on them. I know she was trying to be helpful, but it irritated me beyond belief.

They are MY FUCKING CHILDREN>

You definitely need to lay down rules.

I did wrt to clothes. I was a bitch and told mil that I would buy the clothes - the ones she had bought were just horrific!!!!

Good luck nd I hope you can enjoy your lo.

My kids have different surnames to me as I kept my surname when married. I find double barrelling a bit pretentious. If I wasn't married I would have given the kids my surname though. If a bloke doesn't commit enough to marry me before having kids then I can't trust him to hang around as the kids grow older. OK it's a generalisation but I think marriage is important if you have kids.
My kids having a different surname to me has never been a problem, although now my kids are at sec school and have multiple teacher I get called Mrs their surname at parents evening.
I never travelled without my ex when kids too young to talk, but if I had would have taken their birth certificate. Current husband and I went on holiday with 3 kids and 4 surnames between us. Caused no problems.

I'm the same as 2rebecca. I'm married but my children have their father's surnames and one has his nationality.
I've been back and forth to my home country (France) with and without hubby- or he's left me children at customs while he's raced ahead to collect luggage/car and I've never had any issues.
I don't know what I'd do if someone asked me though!

I don't very often post on here, but your message touched a nerve. I think your MIL must have gone to the same "school for MILs" as mine! They are exactly the same.... so YANBU!

I hate to say this, but if you and your BF are going to continue to stay together you are going to have to stand up to her!

It's like someone already said, its not the one thing she does that may seem minor and inconsequential, it is the constant barrage of little things that build up and make you feel awful!

My MIL regularly makes me feel like the worst wife/mother in the world and only makes snidey comments when he and FIL are out of earshot; but luckily my DH is aware of this now and sticks up for me! It's taken nearly 3 years since DD was born to get there; and she still oversteps the mark everytime I see her - and although I would NEVER make DH choose between me and his family (they are his family and DD's grandparents after all) I SO know that he would choose me and DD - and that thought is enough to make me smile sweetly and nod at MIL next time she is hideous to me!

So keep smiling, and congratulations! Enjoy this precious time with your newborn and don't let the MIL win!

You are soooo NOT over-reacting

Your Partner needs to call her up EVERY time she makes stupid comments and make it clear to her they are unacceptable

I wouldn't let your partner go in his own with Dd to see her either - be there always

Stand up to her and lay down some rules now before things get far worse

And if she can't behave she will never get to gave Dd on her own or overnight

Ever!

She needs to show you respect and earn the right to see your baby!

You need to stand up to this stupid woman I had this with my ExP's mother. She once threw ds1 at me because I was refusing to feed him rice at six weeks old!

Don't visit for a few weeks. That'll teach her a lesson. You need some rest and bonding time so that you can develop the strength to stand up to her. Please don't feel that you have to be round there all the time. dd is your baby and you call the shots now. Get your bf to get a backbone too and stand up to the stupid bag.

good luck.

oh for christs sake, don't some of you realise YOU are going to be MIL's one day?

op, your baby is 3 weeks old, you have a long road ahead with MIL, one day you will be falling over yourself asking her to babysit when it suits you, don't make an enemy of her a this stage

I know you are tired and hormonal, but of course everyone knows the baby is your and your dp's

some of you girls sound like the DIL's from hell...........

My MIL is very similar - she always wants DS to herself. Always going on about having him to stay for a week when I am back at work (no effing way!). Will not let him out of her lap - he is nearly one and wants to be free to crawl around and explore. Always wants to grab him from me if he is upset about something. It does my head in.

YANBU!! I think it's hard for others to understand if their MIL isn't like that - it seems minor but it's soooo irritating!

Not sure how to deal with it other than limit time spent with her and just count to ten when she annoys me. At the end of the day, just remember that you are DD's Mum and nothing is going to change that.

BTW, I had a very difficult MIL, but I always tried to see things from her POV as well as mine

That's so nice for you ssd, but not all of us are as perfect as you

Yes ssd - we ARE all going to be MILs one day.... but hopefully we will learn by example and NOT behave like this! :) There are lots of LOVELY MILs out there, and there is no reason we shouldn't be too!

Also - if they were DILs from hell surely shouting, screaming, causing family feuds and never letting them see their grandchildren would be the order of the day, and not posting on here to vent their frustrations and get advice on how to cope?

Just a thought. :o

take it how you like it hens, but one day you might be in the MIL's position and might have a guilty conscience thinking how desperate you were to sort out a woman who just wanted to be involved with your family, even if she went about it a bit heavy handedly

By throwing my own baby at me? I hardly think that's in any way reasonable. The woman was a nasty bitch. Thankfully I wasn't actually married to her son.

My mil now is a real sweetie and we get along very well.

hens, i think you know your mil throwing a baby at you isn't the norm and its not what is generally being discussed here

Couple of things having skimmed this. Firstly your MIL sounds as though she has two boys so probably doesn't understand the dynamic of a mother and a daughter and where to back off. At least my DH has sisters (ghastly though they are) and so the MIL at least knows a bit more about mum/daughter boundaries. Secondly, you say your dd spent some time in SCBU so you obviously haven't had the easiest first few weeks and this is probably taking its toll and you are feeling sensitive. Thirdly although I think MIL is not doing anything to upset you on purpose neither is she a mind reader and letting these little things fester isn't going to help anyone. Also guessing, as you still call your dp your bf, that maybe you and he haven't been together for too many years and perhaps you and MIL don't know each other very well yet. Give it time, don't let things fester and try to understand that she probably just loves your dd, is a grannie for the first time and hasn't quite got the hang of it yet either.

Completely agree with ssd, I am aghast at "earning the right" to see the grandchild and "Don't visit for a few weeks. That'll teach her a lesson"

I don't have the easiest relationship with MIL, but I do try and remember that she is DH's mum and I try and think of how I will feel when DS is grown up. I know that although they are my DC, they are also part of the wider family.

Shock horror at wanting to show the baby to her sister. I would want my DSIS to see my grandchild, I might approach the situation differently but maybe she didn't want to wake you up?

I also think that you may be possibly needing MIL one day.

There are ways to assert yourself without completely trampling over any beginnings of a relationship you may have with MIL.

I would like to know how much involvement your mums have with you and your DC?

My MIL only has the two boys too, so onceamai makes good points.

to me it sounds like she isn't being very sensitive to you during the early post birth weeks. maybe see a little less of eachother if it's upsetting you so much. you will soon feel stronger and more able to deal with her trying to take over.

there is a hell of a lot of over reacting going on here, and a lot of neuroses coming out

so what if great aunt pops by to look at the baby? what do you think she will do, run off with it?

I think that it is unreasonable for a guest in your home to invite someone else into your home without your knowledge.

Having said that, I didn't see alot of my PIL when my daughter was born which was a shame as my parents live a long way away and I was in desperate need of support as I was having so much trouble feeding. Unfortunately I felt they weren't there when we needed them.

I've never had a close relationship with ILs and probably never will. But they are family of my children and I am willing to suck it up and put aside my own feelings (obviously within reason) to allow them to spend time together.

I do insist though, that if I say something is or isn't to be done and my wishes aren't complied with, I am very confident in slightly raising my voice and saying "no grandad/nanna/whoever, I said no more chocolates/biscuits/whatever" I then take my child by the hand and lead them away and distract them with something else.

Whether it's your family, ILs, friends or child minder, you need to be firm and fair to ensure your rules are complied with.