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Original poster

Whats the best joke/one-liner/opening gambit you ever heard during a best mans speech?

27 replies

Threaders · 31/01/2011 08:25

Sorry to put this on here, but I wanted as many eyes on as possible.

Am best man in a couple of weeks, and am currently piecing together the all important speech. I've done most of it, but am just looking for some inspiration to finish it off. Googling this stuff comes out with the same tired old jokes all the time, so just wondering if anyone heard anything a bit different or original that had the audience in stitches!

So what's the funniest, most memorable joke, story, one-liner or opening quip that you heard during a best mans speech?

OP posts:
KaraStarbuckThrace · 31/01/2011 08:36

Can't think of any, sorry.

But here is some don'ts!

FGS, if your exp is also at the wedding, do NOT use the speech to make to make digs at her, like a mate of mine did. It went down like a lead balloon and the B&G were very embarrassed and not in a good way.
Fortunately the exp(also a mutual friend) is pretty tough and can dish out just as good, but at least had the discretion to do it privately.

stoppinchingthedummy · 31/01/2011 08:45

We heard a brill one ..well i thought it was

Pre speech the best man secretly handed out 110 keys he had cut - he told all he gave them to that it was a secret but they would bbe needed later

ok fast forward to speech ...best man stands uup and says "before i commence my speech can all keys to *(Grooms) love shack please be returned since he has now managed to secure himself a wife :D So all people with a key including an older lady (about 75 year old) friends got up and all the guests were in stiches ...then a male friend stood up and walked to put his key in ...cue people laughing so hard they were falling off chairs!! It was brilliant!! hope this helps :)

stoppinchingthedummy · 31/01/2011 08:46

oops 10 not 110!! lmao

TattyDevine · 31/01/2011 08:50

Oh that's fantastic stopping, really great.

Threaders you have to do that.

Good luck. Sorry I have nothing to add. I tend to find its all in the delivery anyway, and you either have it or you dont!

hoovercraft · 31/01/2011 08:56

I have never been to a wedding where the best man does that kind of speech....sadly

deepheat · 31/01/2011 09:08

If you can get in a good visual gag (the one above is excellent) then that's definitely a winner. Chances are you'll be the last person to do your speech so people will appreciate a little diversion from just listening to people talk.

One wedding I went to, the best man stood up with a whole stack of notes and then explained that he'd just been advised by the bride's mother that he wasn't allowed to mention any incidents involving ex-girlfriend [puts down a big wad of notes], alcohol [puts down a big wad of notes] or the police [puts down the remaining pile of notes]. He then stood there for a bit looking a bit uncertain, saying nothing. Then started quietly whistling to himself. Simple, clean gag, but he pulled it off really well.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 31/01/2011 09:10

Stopping, that happened at a wedding we went to. The keys were to the brides' love shack and were handed back by the best man, the grooms dad etc. It really was hilarious.

Cursingtheboobytum · 31/01/2011 09:15

'FORNICATION'. 'Fornication like this, good diction is very important'... (for those a bit puzzled read 'for an occasion' for 'fornication'.

Oh, and the best man who said at the end of his speech 'and I hope X and Y have a lovely honeymoon in Wales. At least I think that is where they are going. When I asked X what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for a few weeks'...

expatinsingers · 31/01/2011 09:16

at a wedding i went to, the best man stood up and said ' this is the second time today i've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!'

Suncottage · 31/01/2011 09:17

'Now you are officially man and wife may your naked couplings no longer sadden our Lord'

I lurrrved that one.

ningthemerciless · 31/01/2011 09:27

My brother's best man started his speech b getting them to hold hands, making sure that the groom's hand was on top. He then did his speech and at the end said 'Now i bet you are wondering why you have been sat there holding hands - it's cos it's the last time you'll get the upper hand'.

Was amusing at the time - doesn't look it when it's written down tho!

kenobi · 31/01/2011 09:34

Hah! I was about to post that whatever you do, don't start the speech with the 'Fornication' joke as it's utterly cringe-worthy and stupid, has been done a million times and will alienate some of the audience. But I see that Cursing recommends it! Which proves it's horses for courses...

So basically - go with what amuses you, there is no right way and remember that your audience is U-rated, not X-rated. The audience will be utterly on your side and if you're sincere it'll go down a storm whatever you say.

Loved deepheat's idea tho!

slug · 31/01/2011 09:41

At ours the best man whipped out a piece of paper and announced this was the list of things DH had banned him from mentioning in his speech. In a deadpan voice he then began to read out...

Shotguns (I was very pregnant at the time)
Drunken exploits with slug
Drunken exploits without slug
Ex girlfriends
Women he tried to chat up
Transvestites he tried to chat up (See drunken exploits without slug)

And so on for about 5 minutes. By the end everyone was on the floor laughing. DH swears he never gave him the list but I'm not entirely sure....

Thistledew · 31/01/2011 09:43

"I don't want to go on for too long and bore you all to tears. In fact I have been advised that I should speak for no longer than the length of the groom's performance tonight. So I would like to thank you all for coming and hope you enjoy the evening."

stoppingat3 · 31/01/2011 10:21

our best man did the condom reference,
something like,
when you are young you buy one at a time from the vending machine and hope to use it.
when you are first a couple you buy packs of three that last a weekend.
When you are married you buy packs of twelve (insert pause)
January
February
March.........

Told much much better but it was 13 years ago!

Chocolocolate · 31/01/2011 10:25

My hubby's best man was his brother.

Somehow someone gave DH's brother a hint that DH was going to say in his own speech not to listen to a word that his brother said as he was a liar.

DH's brother stood up and said, "well, DH may say I'm a liar so I don't expect you all to believe what I say so, lets see if you all believe his teachers." At which point DHs bro brought out some of DHs old school reports and read the best bits.

It was hilarious Grin

Lizbertnobacon · 31/01/2011 10:29

I like the line....'i'm sure you will all agree it has been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers!'
Cheesy but everyone laughed!

unpsychicsally · 31/01/2011 10:29

At a wedding I went to last month the Father of the bride said "When X was a baby, she loved her dummy, and so now she's marrying one" and also something along the lines of "First of all I'd like to thank Imodium" in other words he was pooing himself with nerves.

Can't remember exact wording but everyone was howling with laughter.

HappySeven · 31/01/2011 10:39

I've heard a father say "I've been told that the father of the bride's speech should be like the bride's negligee: not too long and resting on two points".

Original poster
Threaders · 31/01/2011 10:57

All great so far - thanks for the responses and keep them coming!

OP posts:
marantha · 31/01/2011 12:08

If bride is pregnant: "It's not mine".

marantha · 31/01/2011 12:08

No, on second thoughts...best not say that one!

IAPJJLPJ · 31/01/2011 12:18

our best man was really good. He was friends of us both (but mainly DH) and so included us both in his speech. He also did a short video of us both growing up (he had got our parents to dig out old photos and video clips) ending with us at our engagement party.

sparkle12mar08 · 31/01/2011 12:33

Definately horses for courses - you see, I think all of the ones mentioned so far are just awful. Hopefully you know the bride and groom well, and a bit about their families and social circle, so you should know what they will and won't find amusing. A little bit of gentle teasing and embarrassment is fun, anything more is nasty and reflects very badly on the speechmaker imo. And personally I'd avoid all sex references tbh, they're never appropriate.

I do like the pictures and video clips idea mentioned above though.

DitaVonCheese · 31/01/2011 12:39

I like this one - only heard it at two weddings (and one of those was only because I passed it on to the BM). You need to find out the exact date and day of the week the groom was born. You can phrase all this a bit better, I'm battling with toddler DD for control of keyboard so can't be witty too Wink

"Groom was born on [x date] so I thought it would be nice to have a look at major world events and see what happened on that date. Well ... absolutely nothing happened that day. [This usually gets a small laugh - though obv won't work if he was born on say 11/9/01] So I thought I'd call the maternity ward where Groom was born and see if they could remember anything particular about that day ... and it turns out that they still call it Monkey Boy Wednesday [or whatever day he was born]"

I like Suncottage's too Grin Would really steer clear of any jokes that are too blue as they can divide the audience a bit (I edit wedding speeches for a living!). You'll know your audience better than me though.