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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother 'hopes to god I'm not having a girl'

57 replies

abayababe · 30/01/2011 15:30

First time posting but been a lurker for a long time, please be gentle, I'am expecting number 3, and have a lovely dd and ds aged 4 and 2, have always kept the sex a surprise, so mother was on the phone the other day speculating what I was going to have, due in April, then she came out with I hope to god you are not having a girl, do you know why? beacause X (dd) will kill her just like you used to kill your younger sister and that the age gap would be the same between my dd and this new baby as the gap between me and my younger sister which was about 5yrs, now me and my sis used to kill each other, usual sibling stuff and really only became close in our late teens and we often joke about what we used to do to each other now. Now mother is a bit of a narcissist and probably looking back I did crave attention as a child and my younger sister did get doted on and obviously I acted out alot, but I put that down to bad parenting on their part and hope not to do the same with my kids. I'am just really upset that my mother has this opinion of my dd, she has a very strong personality and is quite fiery but gets on great with her little brother and is very loving with him, this has just been driving me mad all weekend, I just think its a horrible thing to say, if I brought up how upset I was with her and the reason why, she would probably deny she ever said it or accuse my of being hormonal, she just came out with it out of the blue and quite honestly right now I wouldnt care if I never spoke to her again. aibu???

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 17:13

My mum does the opposite - he rose-tinted specs gloss over the fact that for a fair few years I hated my DB

Original poster

abayababe · 30/01/2011 17:20

bubblewrap, my daughters behaviour is not the issue here, I've simply described her personality, she is very loving with her brother, so far so good, fingers crossed, maybe im doing a good job, maybe im just lucky, im still not sure what you are getting at, maybe I havent been very clear, I think when they're is favourtism and im talking about obvious favouritism that its bad parenting, this is also evident between two of my brothers, one favoured over the other very blatently and I know he has struggled with it all his life, he did bring it up with my mother just recently and of course all hell broke loose, tears and drama her being the narcisist that she is.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 17:25

Adabaye. I think, as I said before, this has touched a nerve about you - not nice at all for your mum to say that you used to kill your sister. When DS2 was born my DS1 had a very strong reaction and used to bite and hit him. I certainly won't be mentioning this to him under these circumstances because I saw it as an emotional reaction that was within the normal range, and something I had to help him manage

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 17:33

I think to blame your bullying of your younger sibling on bad parenting is making excuses for yourself.

My brother was (is) six years older than me and bullied and taunted me mercilessly throughout our childhood. He has grown into a really chilled out, personable adult. We are not as close as we might be however, because I cannot forget the treatment I recieved at his hands as a kid. He was bigger than me, older than me, cleverer than me and faster than me, and his cruelty was nothing to do with bad parenting (he was actually my mother's favourite out of the two of us) - it was sheer cruelty on his behalf. He did it because he could and he was that way inclined.

There are now six years between my ds1 and ds2 - and there are no such issues to report. My oldest son is genial and kind to his younger siblings. He is a kind and gentle (albeit very noisy) boy, not a sadistic little toerag.

You took the decision to be horrid to your sister yourself. No matter what was going on within the family dynamic, how you dealt with it was your own choice. Even if you were insanely jealous of your favoured sister, it doesn't excuse bullying her. Their favouritism wasn't her fault.
You say you used to 'kill each other' but with her being your junior by five years, I'll assume it was rather one sided. An 8 year old stands no chance, physically or mentally, when up against a 13 year old....and this is something I know from experience.

Don't cop out and blame your parents. You did it because that was what you wanted to do. You had a choice and that was the one you made. Don't kid yourself. And keep and eye on that girl of yours with her 'fiery personality' too.

Animation · 30/01/2011 17:35

Yes your DD is not up for issue, and is obviously a normal lively child, who thankfully hasn't been subject to the blatent favourism you were. She's very lucky to have a mum like you fighting her corner.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 17:36

Hobbes has explained much more eloquently the point I was trying to make.

I also think its quite easy to end up favouring a child if one of them is continually misbehaving.

Animation · 30/01/2011 17:40

Bubblewrapped - do you have favourites, and are you blatent with it?

Original poster

abayababe · 30/01/2011 17:52

Crikey, Mchobbes, I doubt I'm on a par with your brother, what the hell were your parents doing when this was going on???

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 17:59

That's what I was going to say. McHobbes - how did your brother get away with it?

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 17:59

I can't honestly remember.

My mum used to say 'all brothers and sisters fight' a lot, as if that was supposed to make it all better - I think she was justifying my brother's behaviour, because my dad was a bit of a tyrant and bullied him, but years later, as an adult and mother myself, that doesn't wash with me at all.

He was a lot older than me and he did it because he wanted to. No excuses.

I've actually had it out with him, and he told me 'well...you were sooooo annoying, and mum always took your side' (ha, that's not what I remember, but accept we both have our own perspectives on it) but when I pointed out I was six years his junior and could never have stood a chance against his bullying, and he should have known better, he had nothing to say. His face flushed deep red though and he looked as though I had slapped him. He knew fine.

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 18:04

In response to 'you were sooooo annoying' I said 'no - I was a little girl'

He had no argument. He has (had) a cruel streak and that's the end of it.

Oh and also - our idiotic father was gone by the time I was eight, but the bullying continued.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 18:05

That's bad, but you said yourself your parents condoned it

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 18:06

... and presumably your brother had a bully as a role model during his early years.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 18:06

... and experienced years of being bullied himself.

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 18:10

His actions were still of his own doing though.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work pout that a 13 year old picking on an 8 year old is grossly unfair. He got a kick out of seeing me crumble and that's that.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 18:17

I'm not condoning it, but he learned it somewhere, and he was troubled in such a way that hurting others made him feel better. My DS1 was bullied at school and I was really angry about it - so I can see why you are so angry.

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 18:19

And btw - I had a bully as a role model, and experienced years of being bullied, but I did not go on to terrorise anyone younger or smaller than me....or anybody at all for that matter.

So meh....doesn't wash with me. Sorry.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 18:19

Sorry he didn't apologise too.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 18:19

Ok. I didn't mean to come on and harangue you.

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 18:20

Although I can see your point of view, of course.

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 18:20

Hey it's fine - i don't mind. I wouldn't have mentioned it if I was worried about discussing it.

Animation · 30/01/2011 18:22

McHobbes - that's OK if you still have an issue with your brother - sounds like he hurt you.

Stressed out kids behave badly - that's the truth. That doesn't negate the fact that the responsibilty fell on your parents to protect you, whether they were available or not.

The scenario that the OP is describing is of a Narcisstic mother driving her kids nuts with blatant favouritism - stressing them out and causing them to act out. This mother is NOW targeting the OP's DD. But looks like the buck stops with the OP.

Arneb · 30/01/2011 18:27

I have a similar age gap to what you?ll have and have DD1, DS, and DD2 and it works really well. I think the girl rivalry is diluted somewhat by having a DS in the middle. The do fight obviously but they are also really sweet and loving with each other. I do obviously keep an eye on their interactions and DD1 does have a tenancy to occasionally bully DS ? DD2 personality means not one does this to her - and we intervene to stop this and explain why it is not acceptable.

Thing is I to have very critical mother and she complains about the closeness of my DC as much as any rivalry she witnesses. I have to be very careful my parents do not label my DC ? they have attached labels to me which no longer fit if they ever did. DH says he supposes we should think it lucky that she favours my siblings DC rather than favouring just one of ours and causing issues ? though it still hurts sometimes how blatant that is.

ILs only wanted one DGC as DH is an only DC ? I think this is down to some unpleasant rivalry in their own backgrounds and after some initial hiccups they make efforts not to show any favouritism. With my IL put foot down and did some frank talking ? with my parents this has never worked so distance has crept in. I could really do with caller ID so I do not have to deal with them when I am feeling vulnerable rest of time its yes, yes, yes really and ignore.

I am rambling a little but my point is ? these are your mothers issues not yours. Your DC will be different and have different personalities and family life to the one you grew up in.

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 18:27

And while I do not hold my parents diectly responsible for my brother's behaviour towards me (as stated), I do know that I will never ever tolerate anything approching its likeness in my home. Ever.

Arneb · 30/01/2011 18:32

McHobbes
I think to blame your bullying of your younger sibling on bad parenting is making excuses for yourself.

Yea because it not like a parent should have stepped in and pointed out why this behaviour was wrong to a young child.

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