Birthday Presents (or not)

[feelingsorryformyself]

Tomorrow is my birthday and DH asked me a few days ago what I wanted. The only thing I can think of is a new black bag, but when I said it he muttered something about me having loads of bags (I have).

So we had a very brief chat about it and I said that it was maybe better for me to shop for myself as that was better than him buying something just for the sake of it.

So I am getting absolutely nothing apparently - not even a box of chocs or bubble bath from the DDs (who are too young to take themselves shopping).

AIBU and a bit childish or is he just using what I said as an excuse to make absolutely no effort?

BTW we are very happily married, except for the occasional row about housework. I work almost full time and I also I work really hard to make our home lovely and to look after everyone. I kind of think a nice gift is a sign of his appreciation for all that I do. To cop out because I couldn't tell him exactly what to buy me makes me feel a bit hurt TBH.

You're not alone I have the same problem, so I don't even bother celebrating anymore. dh did take me out to lunch the other day (on my birthday), but he was miserable and moaned the whole time.

That is shit and inconsiderate behaviour.

I don't hold with the posters who spout about wanting some effort on your birthday being childish or needy. It is just about being kind and thoughtful towards this we are supposed to love.

Rather than complaint have you sat your oh(s) down and said. ' if you just ignore my birthday it makes me feel sad and unloved. Do you realise that? Is it really so hard simply to get some flowers, or make breakfast in bed, or buy me some chocolates. It is supposed to be a gesture of warmth and affection. Why is that too much?'

I still haven't received my Christmas present. Apparently he is 'still looking for the right one'

He did bring me flowers yesterday...maybe he should have saved them till the day.

The thing is it's his birthday soon after mine and I've already bought him a couple of things which I have put a lot of thought into.

The thing that I find really sad is that he used to buy me really lovely gifts, and maybe I just got a bit used to it, but Christmas was bloody awful - amongst other things he got me wii fit (still in box) and a charm for my bracelet which I have already got. I am wondering if this a sign of how he feels about me. What man buys his wife a gift which involves her being weighed?!

I love him so much and I think this is unsettling me cos I am wondering does this mean he doesn't care so much about me.

I don't think the wii fit is negative.
Dh is fantabulous about gifts but would buy me presents to help me stay fit and healthy and see that as a caring thing - which I think it is too.

But you should talk to him about it. He may think that your relationship is relaxed and secure and that he can be more laid back and practical. You may be taking it too personally but he won't know how you feel if you don't tell him, will he?

Btw I bought my best friend the same charm twice by mistake. I adore her - it was genuinely a mistake

So he bought you a selection of Christmas presents and spent a lot of money and that is somehow 'bloody awful?' Wii Fit is a game - it's fun - you'd probably enjoy playing it with your family. You don't have to use it to weight yourself, unless you want to.

You told him it would be better for you to buy your own birthday present. Amd you are assuming that means he will do nothing.

I think yabu.

Yes, we all like a bit of fuss but you sound very ungrateful to me tbh. I'm not surprised he's scared to buy something for you - after you have so clearly failed to appreciate his gifts at Christmas.

He should be making an effort with the kids to get them a present to "Mummy"..

Did you ask for the wii fit? or mention that you would like it.

My husband got that for me the other year, but I had said I would like it.

I dont think there is anything wrong in an adult giving their partner some money to buy something that they choose themselves. My husband is very difficult to buy a present for, and when asked what he wants will invariably say "nothing" because he really cant thing of anything that he wants or needs.. but will still have the hump a little if he didnt get anything.

Men, I find, are generally nowhere near as imaginative as women when it comes to buying surprise gifts.

Pagwatch, I think I'm going to have to do what you suggest as I will end up having a massive sulk and bursting into tears if I do actually wake up to nothing.

And he bought you flowers! Please go and tell him how much you love him and stop overthinking this! :)

bubble, no I didn't ask for wii fit and I know it was bought very last minute as I was there when he got it.
We have never done the giving money thing and I have to say I've found it a bit odd when friends have said that their oh's have given them money. We have always had a joint account - so I don't feel he would be giving me anything which I couldn't have anyway if I just went to the cashpoint (if you get what I mean!).

Beligerant ghoul makes good points too. I think you should mash our advice

I think you have undervalued the wii. And he got you flowers. But the idea of waking up to no presents is sad.
Do you have other reasons to feel neglected?

But I agree you should talk with him so you are on the same page.
Talking is key. It shouldn't be a 'have to' thing. You should talk about each other all the time.

my birthday is just after xmas and i'm lucky to get anything from anyone tbh. i'm happy with a nice card to show at least i've been thought about - anything else is a bonus. i went for years without getting a xmas or birthday present from xh.

I fully expected to get flamed, so it's interesting to read all your different points of view!

The wii is a hard one - I have v little spare time so it was never going to get used much. Like all families we are feeling the pinch and it was a lot of money to waste spend. But it's done now and I hadn't really thought about it until this weekend.

I am going out to get that bag, and if he comes up trumps tomorrow then so be it, the bag can go back.

If there are really no parcels, then I feel he will have let the DDs down as well as me, as they always get really excited and will be bouncing on the bed and wanting to watch me open my presents.

At least I am not expecting a cake, so won't be disappointed on that front!!!!

ilovemyhens and martha - happy belated birthdays!

Thank You

I had a similar problem too in that DH was so concerned about getting the wrong thing that he often got me nothing. I made it very clear to him that this was unacceptable and hurtful as it made him seem as if he didn't care and couldn't be bothered to make an effort. It was not a nice conversation and I did feel a bit childish (waahhh I want presents...).

We now discuss in general terms what we'd each like, have an amazon wish list set up and pick a few things out of various cataloges then the final decision is up to whoever is buying. This way we both get things we want but they are still 'surprises'.

Hmm. He bought you a Christmas present that you haven't used, and you told him you would rather buy your own birthday present.

You need to talk about this rather than stew over it.

Just before my birthday, we all went shopping together to get my present, as it was something that I would probably make a better fist of choosing than DH. We all had a nice lunch together, bought the gift, and then DH was tasked with reading the instructions and making sure it worked before using it on my birthday.

I know, I know. communication over the present has clearly broken down!

He kind of said tonight did I really think I would be left to buy my own pressies, and that he looks forward to choosing stuff for me (I had to bite my tongue about wii fit!!).

So we will see what happens on my b'day - which is actually Tues not tomorrow, but I get so paranoid that someone from RL will read this I said it was tomorrow. But I guess my post isn't about amything so bad that it would actually matter if I was identified.

Fallen Madonna - am impressed that your DH read the instructions - we are usually raking in the bin for them when all else fails! What did he get you? And Pheebe, I was speaking to my b-i-l tonite and he said that when it's his DW's b'day he just looks at her Amazon 'recently viewed' - she knows he will look so leaves clues!

men are largely crap at things like this - just tell him to order you some flowers, buy some chocs and ask him for a miu miu black bag - they're so cool - happy b'day xx

I'd do absolultey shit all for his birthday when it comes around. Lets see how he likes it!

Turn about is fair play.

I am sure he loves you! many men (sorry to generalise) are shite with gifts, on the other hand women tend to spend way too much time and money on bloody presents

agree with what pagwatch says but dont read too much into it

Give him a picture of the bag you want .. woman! ...

but there is no excuse for not buying you a decent card and some flowers from M&S or some such..I don't buy the 'Men are not good at this type of thing bollocks'...I'm more in the 'men are allowed to get away with being shit at these things' camp...just takes a little thought...and frank discussion

I'm trying not to read too much into it and I'm certainly not sobbing into my diet coke, or throwing my toys out of the pram.

It's really got me thinking tho - at Christmas, despite the fact that we both work, I shopped for every single member of both families, plus DDs' teachers, the neighbours and DH's secretary!! All he had to buy for was me! It's the same with brithdays, so why, when he only has to buy for one person is he faffing about at the last minute the day before, and have pissed me off in the process!!

Love him to absolute bits, but am needing a rant!

Happy birthday

YANBU to be upset about this, but it really would be worth sitting your dh down and telling him how you feel, then if he continues to do it feel free to be properly pissed off.

My DH used to say stupid things about brithday and xmas presents which it turned out, was his way of worrying about doing the right thing - he really has to be told what kind of thing I would like and then he's pretty good at choosing it. Once I had explained to him that moaning about having to go shopping for me kinda took any joy out of recieving the prsent he stopped being so silly about it.

Explain to him exactly how all this makes you feel, including the wii fit, and you buying everyone elses presents at xmas too.