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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I being uresonable to not want to wear my engagement ring in an interview?

68 replies

Butternutsquash22 · 30/01/2011 12:21

I have an interview for a civil service graduate placement scheme coming up, and have decided that for a few reasons I don't want to wear my engagement ring.

I dont think it's any of their business, as it won't affect my work, but wearing it might make them think 'oh another young girl who is going to be getting married soon, so will prob want to start a family... Not worth the bother training'. H2b thinks I'm bwing paranoid but I think that it could unfairly have an affect on my chances of getting the position.

Obviously if I got the job I would wear my engagement ring at work.

Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

OP posts:

belgo · 30/01/2011 12:23

YANBU. Good luck!

Tee2072 · 30/01/2011 12:23

I would wear my engagement ring.

I have only known one person in my 20+ years in business at all levels who had that attitude and, unsurprisingly, he was in no way involved with interviewing or hiring.

hairyfairylights · 30/01/2011 12:24

Up to you. But this is 2011 and that would not cross
my mind when interviewing people for jobs.

hermioneweasley · 30/01/2011 12:24

no harm in leaving it off! given that it is a fairly common course of events to get married and have a baby, wearing the ring will cause most interviewers to assume that's what you'll do. whether they discriminate against you is another matter, but it can't do any harm to leave it off for now.

Violethill · 30/01/2011 12:25

Up to you, it's certainly not unreasonable if you feel it might unfairly affect your chances. Though tbh I wouldn't have thought it will be uppermost in the employers minds - they will be looking for the best person for the role. It sounds as though if you don't get offered a place, then you will assume it might be your engagement ring which has put them off, so you're probably best off leaving it off

onimolap · 30/01/2011 12:26

YANBU, whether and when to wear an engagement ring is a personal choice.

Which bit of the Civil Service? I've found that central departments are really good with implementing non-discriminatory policies (on the general basis that they're near the political masters, and if they get it wrong, how can they expect anyone else to do it right.)

They also have generally good HR policies for maternity leave and flexible working.

Good luck with the interview!

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 12:26

I would wear mine. I think more employers would rather think someone is in a stable relationship, and likely to be a reliable employee, than someone who is single and possibly more carefree, and not have committments or responsibilities away from work.

kittybuttoon · 30/01/2011 12:28

None of their business whether you are engaged or not.

I think you'll find the Civil Service recruitment process to be fair and unbiased, though. And private sector corporations will also take pride in their processes, and not give a toss what you're wearing on your finger.

And btw, you are not surgically attached to your ring and are free to take it off whenever you like, for whatever reason you want. Why the big deal about it being unreasonable to do so?

ImFab · 30/01/2011 12:29

YANBU. I nearly didn't get a job as I was due to be married 6 months later and they were convinced I would have a baby within a year. I didn't but that wasn't the point.

BikeRunSki · 30/01/2011 12:31

I work for a big Quango that reports to the Civil Sevice, do a lot of interviewing, and I don't think I would notice or care.

Public sector recruitment freeze not apply to the Civil Service then?

Good Luck with interview.

taintedpaint · 30/01/2011 12:31

It is none of their business, and it shouldn't affect how the feel about you in the interview, but we know only too well that despite the laws against discrimination, interviews can turn on one little thing, and it's not always merit.

YANBU to feel like this. I would probably be planning the same thing as you. Which is actually rather sad in itself, but if it helps you get the job, it's not a bad idea.

kittybuttoon · 30/01/2011 12:33

I'mFab- what do you mean, you 'nearly didn't get a job'?

Sounds like you DID get one, so all a bit of a hoo-hah over - what exactly?

If you hadn't got the job, and been able to prove your gender was the cause of it, the employer would have been in big trouble. But that didn't happen, did it?

CoffeeMum · 30/01/2011 12:47

I was interviewing for jobs after redundancy in 2006, had been married two years by then. I was turned down at about four or five places, then a job came up that I REALLY wanted. I wanted it enough to leave my wedding and engagement rings off, and I did just that. Got the job. Probably coincidence. Admittedly, i did eventually take two maternity leaves from the place, but in the time I was there, i worked my socks off - i'm sure i contributed more in my time - maternity leave and all - than many of my colleagues

ImFab · 30/01/2011 12:49

kittybutton - calm down. I was merely posting my experience. The reason I did get the job was because I was going to be working for 2 women and the second woman met me and wanted to give me the job. If it had been a job working for just the other one, I wouldn't have got it. I wouldn't have done anything about it. People are entitled to unreasonable opinions.

senua · 30/01/2011 12:50

LOL. Are we back in the 1950s where only married women got pregnant?

kittybuttoon · 30/01/2011 12:58

Sorry, ImFab- came across a bit strong and I apologise.

I don't think recruiters are entitled to unreasonable opinions though. Indeed, it's against the law when you are recruiting.

I was once on a recruitment panel where one woman asked a candidate 'What does your husband think of you returning to work?' so I know it goes on, but it doesn't make it right. Needless to say, the other panel member got into huge trouble (and rightly so, imo)

Years of doing the job myself have conditioned me to only want to choose the people who can do the job best, regardless of their personal lives.

BikeRunSki · 30/01/2011 13:06

We start interviews - to men and women - by saying something:

"We want to find the person with the best skills to do this job. We are not allowed to ask you about your present or anticipated domestic circumstances, so we won't. If you would like to tell us anything, then you may, but it will not count against you in the selection process".

And indeed, I have been on selection panels where we have chosen fabulous, expericed, tehcnical whizzs and worked around their family commitmenst with flexi working and working from home. There are a couple I have in mind who are amazingly commited to their jobs and work so hard that I know we got the right ones. You wouldn't notice that they have "special" circumstances.

veritythebrave · 30/01/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tee2072 · 30/01/2011 13:13

Actually, it's not against the law to have the unreasonable opinion. It's against the law to not hire someone based on that opinion, however.

It's not even, technically, against the law to ask the question. Again, it's against the law to base your decision on the answer, though.

And so people just don't ask the questions in an interview, because if the person who was asked doesn't get the job, they could take the company to court. If they can prove they were asked the question.

PaisleyLeaf · 30/01/2011 13:17

I don't actually take engagement rings to mean much and take them with a pinch of salt.
I wouldn't think you were any more likely than anyone else to be starting a family in the near future.

BelligerentGhoul · 30/01/2011 13:23

It wouldn't even enter my head to look at somebody's finger tbh so I think yabu.

However, I did have an interview once with an (idiotic) headteacher, who asked if my 'husband' (dp isn't my husband) intended to 'whisk me away to have more babies any time soon.'

Looking back on it, I can't believe didn't raise hell at the time - I would now.

hairyfairylights · 30/01/2011 13:26

bikerunski I'd be quite offended if that was said to me in an interview. It sounds like people trying to cover their backs. An it is actually making personal circumstances relevant to the interview.

My answer would be " I should hope not!!"

frankie81 · 30/01/2011 14:20

Fine to take it off. This was a while ago but when dsis was looking for jobs as she was about to marry and relocate she was upfront about situation. Did not get offered a single job. Went to next interview and kept quiet anf got the job. May be a coincidence I suppose.

blueshoes · 30/01/2011 14:22

bikerunski, on the flip side, how about people who volunteer information about their personal lives in an interview that supposedly gives them the edge eg if a woman of child bearing age said in the interview that their family is complete or they have very good back up childcare. How would you view that?

BikeRunSki · 30/01/2011 14:24

When I was interviewed and was given that opening statement I thought "that's nice to know". It was about 10 years ago, and I was coming from a VERY patriarchal background.

In the time I have been interviewing, no one has ever volunteered any information.

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