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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being uresonable to not want to wear my engagement ring in an interview?

68 replies

Butternutsquash22 · 30/01/2011 12:21

I have an interview for a civil service graduate placement scheme coming up, and have decided that for a few reasons I don't want to wear my engagement ring.

I dont think it's any of their business, as it won't affect my work, but wearing it might make them think 'oh another young girl who is going to be getting married soon, so will prob want to start a family... Not worth the bother training'. H2b thinks I'm bwing paranoid but I think that it could unfairly have an affect on my chances of getting the position.

Obviously if I got the job I would wear my engagement ring at work.

Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 30/01/2011 14:25

You are being paranoid.

But do as you like.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 14:25

PMSL, like we care!

frgr · 30/01/2011 14:29

having worked in a job where the graduate training scheme manager (female) once admitted to me that she was weary of promoting the girls within the couple of years during their placement due to the risk of them going off on ML now that they had money coming in/a career after uni Hmm, i wouldn't wear mine either.

admittedly thi was about 16 or 17 years ago, but since you don't have anything to lose by not wearing it, i would take it off.

it's great that it should not influence decisions, but the fact is that legal requirements against discrimination don't always matter a jot when they have the get-out of "there was stronger candidates".

so from my own exp, OP is not being paranoid. yanbu.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 14:30

Not in the Civil Service, honestly.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 14:32

I'm laughing because I was up for a promotion panel when I was 8 months pregnant, requesting a transfer to another district and had told the panel that I was intending to stay off for a year and then work part-time.

Readers, I got the job.

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 14:32

This link (if I've done it right explains what is illegal to ask during interview)

www.aaronwallis.co.uk/interview-questions-you-are-not-allowed-to-ask-marital-and-family-status.php

mistletoekisses · 30/01/2011 14:33

OP - YANBU. IMO, wearing an engagement ring can influence a job offer. Dont get me wrong, I think that if you show yourself to be the front runner in terms of how capable you are in doing the job, then an engagement ring will not put someone off from hiring you.

Where it can come into play is when there are several strong candidates in the running and all are showing themselves to be in a strong position. At that point other factors can come into consideration and that is where the engagement ring could come into discussion.

No one in their right mind would ever say that was the reason you were put aside for the job. But I don't think you are being paranoid by anymeans.

frgr · 30/01/2011 14:37

Katie, but you do realise that not everyone has the fortune of being considered on merit alone, as (in theory) they should? I'm glad your experiences worked out for you (just as mine did - my discriminatory female boss ended up promoting me anyway despite her admission) but the fact is that these things do happen.

Saying "oh it didn't happen to me", "my workplace wouldn't do that" isn't particularly helpful for the OP since she isn't going for your job with your interviewers in your workplace.

My advice to her to remove the ring is based on working within several offices in very different environments (at the moment, i'm in the charity sector). But based on my average assessment of going for interviews/knowing the unofficial hiring policies of the lot of them, I think it's a bigger disadvange to wear it. On average. Taht's not to say the OP won't get lucky and get your calibre of interviewer, which would be great! ... but the risk of not getting tht is a very real and common one.

mrsjoyfulprize · 30/01/2011 14:41

YANBU it can't hurt to leave it off, whereas it may hurt to keep it on, if you are very unlucky. If you think that no one is bothered about women getting jobs and then leaving a few months later to take maternity leave, or perhaps quit full stop, you are deluded. It's still in the back of many people's minds

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 14:42

But we were discussing the Civil Service. I work for the Civil Service. I have worked for the Civil Service for over 25 years.

I know that since we are not a private industry and wages are not paid out of the pockets of our bosses that we genuinely don't care a toss about applicants personal circumstances.

As for noticing an engagement ring? Most of the staff in my huge department are women, being able to potentially conceive has no bearing whatsoever in being hired to join or be promoted within IN THE CIVIL SERVICE.

Grin
ISNT · 30/01/2011 14:58

YANBU it won't do any harm will it, and might help.

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 15:01

I'd leave it off because if you don't get the job...you'll always wonder if that was the reason.

Can't harm...oh and good luck with the interview Smile

blueshoes · 30/01/2011 15:37

Frgr: "Saying "oh it didn't happen to me", "my workplace wouldn't do that" isn't particularly helpful for the OP since she isn't going for your job with your interviewers in your workplace."

I totally agree.

Having said that, it depends how desperate the OP is to get that position.

Between a position in which the interviewer checked her engagement finger and thought coast is clear v. a role in which the interviewer did not know to check or checked and thought nothing of it, all things being equal, you would want to work for the latter. Even if it did not count against the OP in the interview, it would come out for promotions etc. so a sexist attitude will trip the OP up in the end.

Frgr, from your experience, is there any point joining an employer who demonstrated unofficial hiring prejudices? Or perhaps it might have been better to miss that timewasting boat.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 15:42

I thought it was relevent due to the fact that the OP is going for an interview to join the Civil Service. The organisation that I work for. I thought I was sharing the reality of what type of organisation we are....

Grin
TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 30/01/2011 15:43

Id wear it because if they dont give you the postition then they are been sexist - in a way!

blueshoes · 30/01/2011 15:48

katie, you have a point. But surely the civil service is also not some homogenous blob of hiring practices. Just as different departments in a private organisation take different approaches to hiring ... you never know.

Petsville · 30/01/2011 15:56

YANBU. I've always taken my wedding and engagement rings off for interviews. If you don't get the job, you know it wasn't because someone clocked the ring, and if you do get it - well, no-one can possibly criticise you for not volunteering information about your private life. It seems to me that there's no downside in not wearing it.

And to KatieScarlett, I'm in the public sector, and though most of it is great, some of it is every bit as unreconstructed as the worst bits of the private sector (and I used to be in the City, so know whereof I speak). You don't know which bit the OP's going for. Even in the central Civil Service, there are some amazing dinosaurs about.

create · 30/01/2011 15:58

YANBU. When I left school I was for several years on an "accelerated development" scheme.

I got on really well with the HR Manager at the time, who was impressed with my ability and commitment. I went for my annual review on the scheme, which went well, until I was leaving, when he said "Ooh is that a sparkler?" when he spotted my new engagement ring. My career literally halted at that moment, until he (thankfully) retired.

It was a long time ago and I'd like to think it wouldn't happen now,but in your position, I would definitely leave it off.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 16:01

I have never come across the PSO you speak of. In my place it's all competency based interviewing and saying the right thing, not speculation on how many years they're going to get out of you before you might go off on Mat. leave.

Which organisation do you mean?

Quattrocento · 30/01/2011 16:05

I tend to interview for experienced hires rather than graduates

Would only raise an eyebrow if you were wearing a tattoo on your finger

HTH

Petsville · 30/01/2011 16:07

Not revealing where I am because it would out me, but it's not just my organisation in any case - I have friends and ex-colleagues in a number of public sector jobs, and several of them have reported pretty fundamental sexism (usually in an open-mouthed "I was expecting better of the Civil Service" fashion).

I know that in theory everything's competency based, in practice it's distinctly different. Just as it is in the private sector - I don't know of any organisation, private or public, that states "selection for this post depends on the random whim of the distinctly prejudiced interviewer", but there are plenty of organisations where it's distressingly true in practice.

Anyway, what's the downside for the OP if she doesn't wear her ring? Even supposing you're right and everything in the garden's lovely and the selection's totally on merit with no extraneous considerations, it won't do any harm not to wear the ring - no-one's going to feel that she conned them later.

Petsville · 30/01/2011 16:08

Sorry, that was to *KatieScarlett" - cross-posted.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 16:08

Katie imagines it is Monday and back at work........Shock

Looks around, 4 women to every 1 man. next level boss is a pre-menopausal woman, her boss, yes again, also a woman and her (even more senior) boss too, you've guessed it....

So if all this sex discrimination is going on, where are all the men?

OP, I hope your interview goes well and the organisation that is lucky enough to get you is one like my own.

muminthemiddle · 30/01/2011 16:08

Leave it off if you have any doubts. It shouldn't matter but there are people with prejudiced views in the work place believe me!

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 16:11

In the entire Civil Service 53% of employees are women. These sexist males should really get their act together....