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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being so devastated about losing this friendship?

36 replies

superv1xen · 30/01/2011 11:40

i posted in relationships a few days ago re the actual falling out, so i won't go into all the ins and outs. but basically my best friend has fallen out with me, she won't speak to me, i have tried to text her, call, send facebook messages to try and sort things out but she won't respond :(

and i am heartbroken. i have barely stopped crying for about three days now.

i feel pathetic, i feel like its juvenile how i am feeling, that i shouldnt be letting it affect me so much. but it is. it feels as bad (in a different way) to when i have had relationships end (ie with men)

she isn't my only friend but i don't have that many to be honest, and she was the one i saw the most, and the one i could fully be myself with. my DS is also best friends with her DD and he keeps asking when he is going to see her next and its breaking my heart.

i get married this saturday and i am so devastated over all this that i am not even excited about it. because i havent got my best friend to share it with.

tell me to get a grip, this can't be normal surely?

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 30/01/2011 11:42

I'm not sure if this is going to help you, but I'd be feeling the same as you. Horrible situation.

Was she due to be involved with the wedding?

YANBU. Not at all.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/01/2011 11:48

Haven't read your other thread so have no idea what the falling out is about.

But.

You are getting married. Focus on that. Surely marrying the man you love is more important than this falling out (and a reason to be happy) ? Can't you tell yourself this?

You are getting married. Don't let a falling out with a mate ruin this for you.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 11:49

is there a link to the original thread. that would help to make a balanced comment..

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/01/2011 11:51

here

and Blush I have read your other thread. I posted on it. Blush

There's nothing you can do. She's made her choice and it's Fuckwit Bastardpants.

You cannot let this ruin your wedding day.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 11:55

Ah, I did read that one.

Your friend is probably feeling like shit too, but in no position to be able to do much about it until she manages to get rid of the control freak who she is with.

Please dont let it ruin your wedding day, because that really isnt fair at all your husband, or yourself.

prettyfly1 · 30/01/2011 12:07

Oh I am sorry. I fell out with my best friend over something similiar. We went out last night for the first time in two years after I contacted her in december and it was like no time had passed. The pain of not being with your best friend, who is closer to you then anyone in many ways and knows you like noone else does is sooooo awful and in many ways like a break up, so you need to go through the same process, but try and leave it till after your wedding, which is a happy day.

Friendship like yours doesnt die but it does go through changes and difficulties like all close relationships - give it time and you may well resolve it.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/01/2011 12:12

Put this friendship in a locked container for now. Focus on your man, your wedding and your marriage.

Your friend will realize what she has lost, and your falling out may even in time give her the right perspective to move on.

trixie123 · 30/01/2011 12:15

I lost a friend I had known all my life when I split up with my ex (she felt I behaved v badly and sided with him). We were still not friends all the time she was pregnant and for the first 18 months of her DD life but she got back in touch and now we are very close. It is a shame that this has happened but it is possible that you will resolve it. DO try not to let it spoil your wedding, which is not about her and you.

LadyThumb · 30/01/2011 12:21

I had a boyfriend who did this to me - he isolated me from my friends, my work, my Mum. But, I couldn't see it at the time as it was gradual. In the end I had to leave my house and my job to get away from him.

Your friend is in the 'denial stage' - just try to be there for her when she finally realises. You have no idea what he has threatened her with if she tries to escape.

ajandjjmum · 30/01/2011 12:23

I think Quintessential is right - try and put it to one side, and concentrate on your wedding and your family.

I noticed that your friends works. Can you contact her through work after your wedding, and see if you can't maintain some sort of contact in that way?

manicbmc · 30/01/2011 12:27

What LadyThumb said. Just be there for the fallout.

humanheart · 30/01/2011 12:50

awful. so painful. BUT it doesn't sound tbh that she has rejected you personally, more like she is in the clutches of this dreadful man. there is nothing you can do when someone is caught (spellbound, hypnotised, brainwashed) in a relationship like this - you have to be there when she wakes up but for now you have to wait.

you have a week until the wedding - hopefully the intense grief you are feeling will be spent soon and will be eclipsed by the excitement as the wedding day approaches. as someone said, try to put this painful breakup into a locked box (maybe formally say a goodbye, for now) and then get on with enjoying your day. I bet you do! she has not rejected you personally imo but this kind of thing is typical of the absolute CHAOS that abusers like your friend's H pump through every possible area of their victim's lives Sad Angry

btw I also think that a breakup with a friend can be acutely painful, easily matching a romantic breakup.

compo · 30/01/2011 12:54

You're nervous about the wedding and your feelings are ott at the moment
you cango to the gp for beta blockers to calm you down
or try Bach rescue remedy
this time next week you'll be off on your honeymoon with your husband Grin

BitOfFun · 30/01/2011 13:05

Oh you poor thing- I know how you feel, I really do. I howled for a whole summer once when my best friend dumped me for her creepy new boyfriend. It was much worse than splitting up with a man.

But please please, do try to put it aside. It's so hard though, I know.

LaraJade · 30/01/2011 13:16

YANBU to be so unhappy.
One positive is that she has not rejected you because she: no longer likes you, is bored with you or has newer friends she prefers. Rather it's that you have told her (regarding her controlling partner) what she will know deep down is the truth, but she isn't ready to accept it yet.
Perhaps also your wedding is reminding her that she has made a bad choice in a partner - one who has alienated her from friends and family.

The best thing you can do for now is concentrate on your wedding for your sake and your fiance's sake.
Shut away thoughts of your BF, as an issue to deal with after your honeymoon.
My sister has 2 good friends that she fell out with + didn't see for ages (one slept with her then DP, one was attacked + pushed her friends away.) Now they are BFs again.
Every so often remind your friend you are still there for her - maybe through little notes your child can give to her DC which can be given directly to your friend.
But for now just try to enjoy your wedding :) !

Original poster
superv1xen · 30/01/2011 14:08

i think thats why i am so upset. because i know that it won't be her decision, it will be down mainly to pressure from him.

he has already managed to wreck her relationship with her mum and her other best friend. who were both devastated. and now she doesnt speak to them.

the absolute WORST part of this, is that it is my fault they originally got together - i introduced them as i knew him (not as well as i thought) and thought he was a nice guy (how wrong i was) so i set them up. it kills me knowing that if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have got his claws into her :(

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 30/01/2011 14:09

oh and the poster who asked if she works, she doesn't work. and neither does he. so not only can i not contact her through work, she is with him 24/7.

OP posts:
frankie81 · 30/01/2011 14:28

I lost two of my friends maybe 20 years ago now. As a result they didn't feature in my weddings nor I in there's. It's sad but all is not lost OP. Your friend may realise her mistake and you can salvage something. As I think someoneone else said forget about it for now and concentrate on your wedding.
Incidentally i made it up with both of my friends.

zipzap · 30/01/2011 15:12

doh. ended up replying to this on the other thread (that will teach me to try doing this with ds2 wriggling on lap!)

repost here:
make sure that you ask your mutual friend to remind other friend that you would love for BF, her dd and her dh to be at your wedding.

ok so I am sure that you don't want her dh there but for now he is a necessary evil if you want to keep in contact with with your friend.

and send another email - much as it pains you - along the lines of sorry that dh was hurt by your comments, but that it looks like you were both hurt - you by his comments, him by your reaction, likewise his comments made you uncomfortable and that you didn't remember him being like that when you knew him in the past which is why they made you more uncomfortable.

You also have the perfect excuse at the moment - that you are stressed because of the wedding, so hyper sensitive at the moment (ok so maybe you're not but it's a good excuse for just the moment)

so that all in all you'd like you all to be grown up and for everybody to accept everybody's apologies and you'd hate it if a little disagreement meant that she missed your wedding - etc etc

Hopefully if you phrase it all in a nice way, put it down to pre-wedding nerves turning into stress and downplay it, it will give your friend enough for everybody to save face and at least be at your wedding. Also stick the same contents into a letter if you think her dh is getting to her email. And tell your mutual friend of your plan.

First things first is to get your friend to your wedding. do what it takes and park it, then work out a separate strategy for dealing with the situation afterwards.

good luck and many congratulations on your wedding - hope that you enjoy the day

swanandduck · 30/01/2011 15:59

Your friend seems to be in a horrible place right now and is not prepared to admit it.

Just bide your time and hopefully she'll see sense eventually. But you've done nothing wrong so pleeese don't let this spoil what should be a really happy time for you.

brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 16:59

I think you should send her a letter, telling her that you love her and that you will be there for her whenever she needs you, then leave her to it. She can't see past her hormones just now, lets just hope this fuckwitbastard pants (as hecate said)does the decent thing and slopes back under the rock from which he crawled.

traceybath · 30/01/2011 17:02

Oh Super - I read your other thread and really felt for you.

But you have done the right thing in protecting yourself and your DS from his comments.

Your friend will hopefully realise he's a knob sooner rather than later especially if she's got no-one else in her life.

And focus on your wedding - you will be a stunning bride and have a lovely day Smile

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/01/2011 08:56

thank you

but i am in such a state today, when i woke up i was just overwhelmed by sadness, i can't stop crying, and i have had to ring my mum to take ds to school for me and have dd for me for a few hours because i feel like i can't look after them today, i feel such a shit mum writing this but this is how bad i am.

i texted her DH yesterday saying that i was sorry for everything that had happened, and that i wanted us all to be friends again. i hate myself for doing this as i dont mean a word of it, but thought that if i made amends with him i could be friends with her again. but have heard nothing back :( i know he will have got it coz he has his phone glued to him at all times. so even that hasnt worked.

DP is still friends with my friends DH on facebook and he was boasting on there last night how they had had a meal out and a spa day yesterday, and how much he "loves his beautiful wife" - they are having a whale of a time while i am devastated and grieving.

OP posts:
Nuttychic · 31/01/2011 09:04

"Dont make someone a priority when they only make you an option"

I am sorry superv but I really think you need to pull yourself together a little and realise that you are just not a priority RIGHT NOW. I think you will be again but not right now. You have a wedding coming up with is a once in a lifetime (hopefully :D) and you should be enjoying the lead up to that! xx

You need to relook at your priorities, just as they have.

Nuttychic · 31/01/2011 09:05

Which is once in a lifetime not with is Blush