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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave him for this

75 replies

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 07:45

OH went to see some friends who are in a band play at a local hotel last night and didn't come home until 4.15 even though hotel bar closed at 1.00. He went back to his friends house.
I am just sick and tired of him, he can never just go out for a couple of hours he always has to binge drink and get as drunk as possible and stay out for hours at a time.
Aibu to leave him and take my three kids with me? Feel like I have zero trust or respect for him anymore. WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 07:46

Forgot to mention that I moved away from home to be with him so have no family or close friends around me that I can turn to

OP posts:

kitbit · 30/01/2011 07:47

Based on this one incident no I wouldn't, but it sounds as thoughvthis time is the latest of many and that you are generally unhappy so you need to weigh everything up and make a balanced choice. Have you spoken to him, does he have any idea you are so unhappy?

thumbdabwitch · 30/01/2011 07:49

Well, if it's not the first time and it isn't likely to be the last time then I can't say I blame you. Sounds like he has alcohol issues, which apart from anything else will be eating up your money, as well as destroying your trust and respect for him.

I assume you have tried talking to him before, telling him how sick you are of it all, and asking him to get help with his alcohol problems - if not, do that first - then if he refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, I wouldn't blame you for upping sticks and heading out. Living with an alcoholic of whatever type (daily or binge) is not good for children.

Original poster

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 07:52

Yes this is just one of many in fact every time he goes out it happens then the next day he slobs about all day snapping at us all coz he's tired and has hangover. So basically it's two days I'm left alone with kids one while he's out and one while he recovers. Can't drive so not as if I can even take them out for the day. He knows I'm unhappy and promises every time never to do it again but always does. I always forgive him because I love him and for sake of kids but really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this or for me kids to think this behaviour is acceptable. BTW I am never ever invited to go anywhere with him

OP posts:

Saltatrix · 30/01/2011 07:53

Does he do this frequently and have you talked to him about it?

Original poster

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 07:56

I'd say it's probably once every 4-6 weeks so not as if it's every weekend. I dread him saying he's going out coz I know what will happen and he also uses the excuse that his pals are out every weekend whereas he only goes out 'once in a blue moon' the last tie I went out anywhere was to a wedding in July 2009

OP posts:

TyraG · 30/01/2011 08:04

Sounds like he knows you don't like it, but knows that you'll forgive him so he's just going to keep on doing it until you put your foot down.

Original poster

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 08:17

I know think I should stop being a doormat and prepare for single parenthood

OP posts:

Misfitless · 30/01/2011 08:19

clpsmum I'm reading this with DP so can offer male opinion as well if that helps. I can understand how you feel - if you have no friends or family nearby and you never get to go out and he stays out all hours - it would drive any of us reading this mad.

My DP has suggested that you try to make friends locally and also that you try to find out why he's doing this. Also - how often is this happening? He's obviously unhappy too, if you can try and find out why and then try to work together to make both of you feel happier, that would be my advice. Bear in mind that men are often crap at talking about their feelings and would rather clam up and get pissed than confront any issues.

Maybe you could start with a non-confrontational (when you've calmed down) a 'I know your unhappy...we can't go on like this... please tell me what's wrong...'
You've probably tried all this...

In between drnken binges how is your relationship? I personally wouldn't give up on him for this alone but only if he is prepared to change. But you need to change too,it takes more than a wonderful husband to make you happy. You need friends too, though this must be hard if you don't know anyone. WHat about mumsnet local?

Actually the very first question should be 'Do you love him..?'

Saltatrix · 30/01/2011 08:19

Well once every 4-6 weeks isnt as bad as I first thought. I think you need to tell him that whilst he gets go out (even if it's once a month+)you are unable to and he needs to think less about himself.

I think there is still room for change leaving him may be a bit hasty at the moment unless ofc there are other factors ultimately you should do what you feel is needed.

Hope things go well for you

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 30/01/2011 08:21

I think you have decided you just need us to say your reasons are good enough, not wanting to be a doormat is a good enough reason as is feeling you can raise the kids better on your own.

You need to decide if you tell him how close you are to leaving and give him a last chance.

ENormaSnob · 30/01/2011 08:23

Are the dcs his?

BluddyMoFo · 30/01/2011 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 30/01/2011 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TattyDevine · 30/01/2011 08:29

How old are you/he? Still in your early twenties? Is it a problem that he goes out what, 11 or 12 times a year?

If you had more local friends would you not want to do the same occasionally? Without the binge drinking perhaps, it sounds as if you dont "get" that, which is a good way to be, but its not massively unusual to overdo the booze on a night out.

If it was 3 times a week or even every week you'd have a point but is this all he does "wrong"?

Can you not just give him a "pass" once a month to be out one night and a little useless the next morning - perhaps in "exchange" for a favour from him?

If he can't go out and get pissed with his mates once in a while, he will feel trapped. The same goes for you if that is what you wanted to do. Its not unusual on here to see women upset because their other halves dont "let" them go out or sulk if they do. People usually jump to their defence and say their OH is being controlling. I tend to agree. As long as its pre arranged and they dont bang on the door at 3am, puke in their shoes and try for a shag then is it that much of a problem?

You say there is no trust, what has he done? If there is more to this than implied then apologies but it sounds like he's being a social young person doing what social young people do. This should not be at the expense of his family and responsibilities but if you are looking after the children, he is happy to return the "favour", and its not every week then I'm struggling to see the problem.

If my husband thought I shouldn't go out and get shit-faced occasionally because I decided to have children, I'd be really miffed. I might only do this a few times a year and to be fair I dont tend to get shit faced. Most the time I socialise with him too but sometimes its nice to go out with the "girls". This is the male equivalent and I can't quite see the problem, unless there is more info to be had.

YABU

EricNorthmansMistress · 30/01/2011 08:38

YABU
Everyone has the right to let their hair down once a month. If you aren't taking your opportunities that's your lookout.

BeenBeta · 30/01/2011 08:42

TattyDevine - I agree with your last paragraph but the thing is most people reach point in their lives (which you clearly have) where they leave their young free single student life behind. They put their family ahead of their own personal desire for freedom to do whatever they like whenever they like.

There are people who dont seem to grow up though even when they have children and that puts all the responsbility on their DP/DH/DW to be the 'adult' in the relationship.

I think the man in this case needs to decide whether he values hs friends over his family and to drop those friends who only want to go out and get hammered. Maybe even he has friends who dont really want to do this anymore and find his behaviour embarrasing and unwelcome.

Xenia · 30/01/2011 08:45

Either (a) just accept it or (b) go out twice as often yourself and leave him babysitting or (c) best of all talk to him about it.

If the rest is okay then that doesn't seem too much to me.

TyraG · 30/01/2011 08:50

TattyDevine Are you serious? So basically she should be a doormat and let him binge drink then act like an asshole the next day because he decided to binge drink?

Give me a damn break. At some point in time you have to grow up and be a responsible adult. This means not getting so drunk that you can't even function the next day.

It's one thing to hang out with the guys and have a few drinks. But he's not doing that. Hell he's not even coming home when the bars close, he's staying out all hours of the night. The fact is he doesn't give a shit about the OP or their kids his proof of this is that he knows how she feels and doesn't care. If he did care he'd have more respect for them and more for himself.

Blatherskite · 30/01/2011 08:54

It does seem like a bit of an overreaction based on just the info you have given in the OP.

I can see how it must be annoying seeing him take it to such extremes everytime though, especially when you are so far from your own family and friends and opportunies to go out yourself.

Is there a bit of jealousy in there maybe? Are you worried about him getting himself into trouble when he gets in these states?

BluddyMoFo · 30/01/2011 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TyraG · 30/01/2011 08:59

There is nothing wrong with a night out, but not when it involves binge drinking. Or is binge drinking considered normal in England? Perhaps alcohol abuse isn't that big of a deal here.

And while we're at it, he knows it bothers her and he constantly promises he won't do it again but he does. He doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself.

Chandon · 30/01/2011 09:03

are the kids his?

If they are, I think running off with them is an overreaction.

The best revenge is having fun.

When he goes out, can't you visit some friends or family with the kids?

About not being able to go anywhere, are there no buses or trains at all where you live??? Nothing to do within wlaking distance?

Also, get HIM to stay home with kids some time while YOU go out, see a film with someone.

sorry but you sound a bit of a martyr, and they are never popular. being a martyr will only make you MORE miserable.

But tell us, are the kids HIS?????

sheepgomeep · 30/01/2011 09:04

You have my sympathy my dp does this every week and he doesn't give a shit how I feel about it. In fact the more I tell him I'm unhappy the more he does it.

But then we have big probs in our relationship at the moment.

4-6 weeks doesn't sound so bad to me but its obviously making you unhappy. Do you get the same opportunity to go out, get drunk and roll in at 4am? I bet you don't.

BluddyMoFo · 30/01/2011 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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