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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave him for this

75 replies

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 07:45

OH went to see some friends who are in a band play at a local hotel last night and didn't come home until 4.15 even though hotel bar closed at 1.00. He went back to his friends house.
I am just sick and tired of him, he can never just go out for a couple of hours he always has to binge drink and get as drunk as possible and stay out for hours at a time.
Aibu to leave him and take my three kids with me? Feel like I have zero trust or respect for him anymore. WWYD?

OP posts:

TyraG · 30/01/2011 13:04

sheepgomeep Well he went to a hotel where his friends who are in a band were playing, you think he walked there? I'm pretty sure he didn't take the car being that the OP stated that she doesn't drive. Then he went back to his friend's house. If it wasn't him driving someone else who was more than likely drunk was driving.

lecce · 30/01/2011 13:08

Tara, I think that's a huge assumption based on very little evidence and a lot of supposition.

TyraG · 30/01/2011 13:13

Oops I mean I'm pretty sure he did take the car.

lecce who's Tara, if you're referring to me it's Tyra.

Okay let's see the OP stated that: OH went to see some friends who are in a band play at a local hotel last night and didn't come home until 4.15 even though hotel bar closed at 1.00. He went back to his friends house.

So he walked? Oh no, let me guess at the hotel everyone else left while he waited for a taxi. Yeah that sounds like something someone shitfaced would do, being that they have such good judgement.

humanheart · 30/01/2011 13:14

he sounds like an alcoholic OP. which is probably why you are so unhappy/alone with the situation bcs you know deep down that things are seriously not right. someone posted, with advice from their OH, that your OH is also 'unhappy'. I don't think he is unhappy tbh - cake, eat it comes to mind. he's got everything he wants, doesn't work with you as a family - sounds like he acts like a bachelor. he's also already got his wife - the booze.

I have a friend whose husband is still doing this and he's well into his 50s. in the early days there were lots of rows etc but still no change in his behaviour. no idea why she is with him (her business) but she has her own (full) life and there's zero action in the bedroom and hasn;t been for years (decades). If you're prepared for a lonely marriage then put up with this OP. it sounds like you aren't so imo YANBU (at all)

expatinscotland · 30/01/2011 13:14

No wonder this country has such a problem with alcohol.

People seem to equate getting legless with a good time and 'letting your hair down'.

How pathetic.

Tortington · 30/01/2011 13:14

yabvu

sounds ike you are pissed off becuse younever get to go out...so whose fault is that then?

QuintessentialShadows · 30/01/2011 13:20

Op, what do you do? You dont drive, you dont have any friends you socialize with. It seems to me your dh is supposed to provide all your transport and entertainment. Is that correct?

Can you start becoming more independent? Do driving lessons? Find an interest and join some groups to widen your social circle?
How young are your children? Can you make "mummy friends" at baby/toddler group or school?

To be honest, going out every 4-6 weeks is not so bad. The problem seem to be that you dont do the same. And you have to be with the kids when he recovers, and you cant drive and you are stuck in the house? Why is this? Do you live in the sticks? Can you not take them to a nearby park, or just a walk?

You seem very lonely in your marriage. And you and your dh need to address this. You need to open up to him about how you feel, lay it all out to him. Tell him you are lonely, you dont have friends, and you would like to be active and out and about, with him, or with other friends. And he needs to support you, not just go out with mates and leave you alone. Can you find babysitters and just go out the two of you?

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 13:22

dear god... there is nothing at all to say this bloke, or anyone else was drinking and driving.. nothing at all!

secondly, someone who goes out once every 4 to 6 weeks, and gets pissed, is neither an alcoholic, or a binge drinker...

BluddyMoFo · 30/01/2011 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cumfy · 30/01/2011 13:44

Aibu to leave him and take my three kids with me?

The children are his and I am not planning on running off with them

Could you clarify ?

humanheart · 30/01/2011 13:53

OP, get this in relationships or somewhere safer. you're succeptable to drive-bys on here (as you've seen)

Original poster

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 13:56

Taking my children because he works full time whereas I work from home so easier for them to stay with me and see him as often and for as long as they/he want to.am not planning on kidnapping his kids like someone made it sound.

He walked to hotel and taxi back he would never drink and drive.

I have a full life am not jealous or have a problem with him going out my problem is he lies about where he goes, never invites me, binge drinks until he can't remember anything, picks fights with me when drink often in front of kids and rolls in at all hours and never ever does anything at all to help with kids

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2011 13:56

So, as suggested earlier (and is always the case in this type of thread IMO) there is indeed more to this than just the monthly binge-drink:

. OP's partner says he's going out for a couple of hours, but it ends up being significantly longer, i.e. he's either lying up-front (he knows he'll be all night) or is habitually unrealistic regarding his own behaviour.

. If I suggest doing something as a family he can never be bothered the only time he does anything is when it's for himself. A much bigger issue IMO, rather selfish and sets himself apart from his family. His attitude problem is not just with regard to binge-drinking but extends to fatherhood in general.

. He gets drunk beyond belief and blows money that we can't afford to binge drink. So if they can't afford his binges,that means something else goes unpaid/unbought, presumably something for OP or DC.

. He knows it upsets OP but still does it, showing a lack of respect for her wishes/needs as he prioritises his own wishes/needs over hers.

.He's hungover all the next day and is snappy with OP/DC, so that they get to suffer from his hangover too.

Even if it is only once every 4-6 weeks, the fallout of his behaviour (tight for money, DC seeing him hungover/being snapped at, lack of trust and respect) is 24/7.

thumbdabwitch · 30/01/2011 15:23

bubblewrapped - he is most definitely a binge drinker! he may not drink all the time, but when he does, he gets legless. That is binge drinking. And if he is unable to control his drinking when he has an alcoholic drink but has to keep going until he is pretty much in a stupor, then he has alcohol problems. I had a friend who was like this - he went to the doctor about it and it was classed as a form of alcoholism. The frequency is less relevant than his response to the alcohol.

Eglu · 30/01/2011 15:31

I can't believe people are saying you are unreasonable in this.

If DH got in that state so he was unable to function as part of the family that often I would be raging.

He is acting like he is free and single and not thinking about his responsibilities.

Goin to a football match at lunchtime and coming home at midnight is not on unless that was agreed beforehand.

sheepgomeep · 30/01/2011 15:47

tyra there is such a thing as a taxi you know

or maybe he got a lift.

you are making bloody big assumptions there I'm afraid

sheepgomeep · 30/01/2011 15:49

Not everybody drinks and drives you know or is stupid enough to get into a car with a drunk driver

LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 15:55

clps Could you go along some of the times? It might put your mind at ease that is not all as bad as you think.

Why don't you ask him t stay at a friends when he goes out so that youre not worrying about when he comes in.

To be honest my DP and I don't feel this 'need' to have time out without each other as often as once a month but lots of people I know do have this time and it does them no harm. If you really do take issue with it maybe you should leave and find someone who shares your values in this area.

Do you not trust him because he has proved himself to be untrustworthy, or is it your issue?

LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 15:57

Oh and with the 4.30am finish and short temper, could there be drugs involved? Again, not necessarily a problem but if you both have different beleifs about drugs then it could turn in to a bloody big one!

LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 15:59

Oh, just saw that he can't afford the nights out without you guys going without something else. In which case it is simple I'm afriad... leave him.

ZZZenAgain · 30/01/2011 16:02

it doesn't matter if other people could live with it, it is your life and your marriage and if it is making you unhappy , it is not ok for you.

You say you left home and family to move there and be with him. Is home far, would you want to go back there? If yes, I would look into the practicalities of doing that and then when I knew how I could manage without him, I would sit down and talk and if things cannot be sorted, maybe a trial separation is the way forward. I nother words, I would concentrate for now on the practical stepping stones to a changed life with or without him

TyraG · 30/01/2011 16:34

Glad he's not drinking and driving, but from someone who was forced to ride with a drunk driver before it is something that concerns me.

Guess it's not something that would ever enter anyone else's mind until something happens to their family or someone close to them.

susiedaisy · 30/01/2011 16:35

my ex used to do this he could never just go out for a few beers he always had to be one of the first people to get, there and the last to leave, in the end it was one of the (many) reasons our marriage broke up.

Original poster

clpsmum · 30/01/2011 16:36

Tyra - I might be annoyed with him but I can honestly say drinking and driving would never even enter his head.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 16:41

you would not BU to leave a marriage such as the one you have described

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