I don't want them to keep buying me stuff

[anonz]

Just before christmas I left an extremely controlling and abusive relationship. I wasn't allowed to do anything. I couldn't go to shop by myself, had no say in what we bought, what we ate, what we did, nothing. He controlled EVERYTHING and I wasn't allowed to buy anything for the house. All of the ornaments were his, he wouldn't let me have any up. Evverything was HIS way. I eventually got out before christmas and one thing I was so looking forward to was having the house the way I wanted it. Being able to buy the ornaments and pictures I liked and not having ti put up with his shit stuff all the time. I'd had my eye on these beautiful Japanese figurines for months before I left. They were beautiful and altogether there were six of them, all different. A fisherman, a woman and baby, a woman knelt down picking flowers, some kind of samurai figure, all matching. All colour co-ordinated, cream, white and black. So when I moved, the first thing I bought was two of these figures. My mum saw them and said how nice they were. I told her I intended to get the full set. So the week after I bought two more and intended to buy the last two the week after.
Then one day my mum came in and said how nice they all looked and said she didn't realise I was "collecting Japanese ornaments". I saw were this was leading and so quickly said I wasn't "collecting" anything and that I only liked this particular set. The next day she came in with two Japanese figures but not at all like the ones I'd been buying. These were the traditional blue and white, old fashioned type of ornament. Of course I thanked her but she insisted that they went with the other figurines. A week later she came in with two japanese pictures, not at all the kind of thing I'd want on my wall but what could I say??? I thanked her but again she wanted to see them put up. I've now totally lost the will to carry on buying the original set. I know it sounds awful and petty but I'm actually feeling quite bitter and pissed off that yet again I can't have the stuff I want because other people insist on taking over and want their own taste all over my space. Since then she's bought me a little japanese fisherman thing and a HUGE dragon ornament which she said "looks kind of japanese". Its awful, the kind of thing a 12 year old boy would have in his bedroom.

I know I'm being unreasonale but I don't want other people decorating MY HOUSE for me. How the hell do I tell her without upsetting her??

Have you tried telling you Mum how you feel?

I remember something similar happened to me years ago, when I moved into my first house with my ex-Dh; I got a couple of blue items for the kitchen, a washing up bowl and drainer and suddenly my ex's family decided I was "collecting" blue plastic kitchen items and kept turning up with things that were totally naff and not what I wanted to use.

I would tell your mum outright that although you really appreciate the effort the items she's buying you really aren't to your taste.

You really have to be as honest and tactful as you can with your Mum..but quite firm if you can manage that.

Yes you run the risk of offending her but you run that risk anyway by not putting up the stuff she's buying.

I'm guessing she knows you've been through a tough time and is just trying to help.

nip it in the bud!

My Gran got an Owl ornament once, and said she liked it so much that every christmas/birthday for the next 50 years she got something owly, eventually last year she told us that she doesn't like owls that much and was just being polite the first time! Now EVERYTHING in her house has owl motifs

It used to make buying her presents so much easier though!

Box them all up, take it round and say you've had a feng shui expert round and it all is giving off bad energy in your house, and there's no where in your house they could go without causing bad energy flows, so would she like them back. And in the future, can she check with you before buying anything that needs to be on display as you'll have to make sure it won't cause energy flow problems.

we found out last year that my uncle doesn't like liquorice allsorts having bought them for his EVERY birthday for 20years!!!!!!

You are letting your mum control you like your EX did.

She is trying to be kind, but it is mis placed kindness.

You need to talk to her, take the power back and decorate your house how YOU want to.

Come on, stand up for yourself, you can do it

Just explain that you had no control decorating your last home and you are enjoying picking things yourself for this one and could she please leave it to you but you really appreciate the kind thought

It sounds like you have to let go of the need to not offend her. You've come from a relationship where you had no control, so you probably need to practice being assertive and that will mean you get it a bit wrong sometimes and you do offend people. But right now it's more important for you to learn how to have things your own way. To be honest, from your description, your mum sounds a little controlling herself which might be why you got into a relationship with someone who was more so (though that's a bit of a wild guess). You should learn to stand up to people, even if you like them.

So practice in a mirror telling her that what she's bought is lovely but it doesn't fit in with your vision of your home and would she like to keep it herself or should you put in a drawer?. And then do it to her face. Be as tactful as you can, but more importantly be clear that you are in control of the decor now. It might be good to explain to your mum about why you feel this way, could help her understand.

You should also take down the stuff she's given you so far. If she asks about it just say you decided it didn't fit in with what you want to do with the room.

YANBU. Congratulations on getting out of the relationship you were in.

YANBU but your mum clearly means well and isn't a mind-reader - you just need to tell her straight without making her feel you're being ungrateful (which I don't think you are btw x)

Best of luck in your new home :) x

I can feel your horror. I have read a description very similar to this in a book all about how clutter grows in people's homes.

A few years back I had a real problem with clutter and now buy hardly anything to put up and around.

Good advice above from Such Prospects.

Yo ureally do have to tell your mum.

Otherwise you'll start to resent her trying to control you like your ex - we al lknow she's not trying to do that, that she only means well, but you've got to say "no, mum, thank you, but pleasestop buying me stuff- i don't want it"

"Just explain that you had no control decorating your last home and you are enjoying picking things yourself for this one and could she please leave it to you but you really appreciate the kind thought"

Ideal - great advice!

Just say thanks very much and put them up- then start a convo about how you're really enjoying picking little bits an pieces yourself, how it makes you feel very proud and pleased..

I think she's just really tryingto show her support and buy you these things to cheer you up etc?

Annoying but done with love I think- not like your ex at all :)

Tell her how you feel and why.

She is just trying to be nice. But you need to make her understand why seemingly loving behaviour from her (wanting to buy you lots of presents) is triggering this reaction.

She loves you, she'll understand.

Just tell her you don't really like them. Take them back and get something you do want.

She's probably enjoying buying you stuff and wants to make you happy. Drop into conversation stuff you do want - even if its just pillows or glasses or garden stuff.

I expect she's excited for you.

I had a similar thing. I have six cats (who I absolutely adore), but people translate my love of cats to a love of 'cat objects' (cat tea towels anyone?). I really, really didn't want 'cat objects'.

Ended up telling them. Generally speaking people want to give gifts that other people will love. They'll appreciate the guidance.

I feel for you but you do need to be honest with her. She loves you; is probably so relieved you are out of that relationship; just wants to help; etc. So be kind but firm.

I think SuchProspects has the best advice.

Talk to her now gently, explain you appreciate the thought & love her dearly - but it was really just the particular set you wanted not a whole theme, and take down the ones you don't like.

It sounds like she is so pleased that you have got out of this abusive relationship and so pleased you've got this new place, she's now buying things left right and centre and can't see that actually you'd rather buy your own stuff. I would just say you don't want any more stuff at the moment, as you are not sure how you want it to look and you want decorate slowly, hopefully she will take the hint and you won't be forced to hide the offending articles under the bed.

Like MoonGirl1981, I have lots of cats (9). My MIL (who is very sweet) has translated my love of cats into my love of crap cat tat and buys me "cat related" plastic shit tat things at every opportunity.

I've solved the problem of not causing offence by putting up a shelf in the spare room where I put all cat related crap items. My excuse is that I "don't want the cats to damage it".

Can you ask your mum to just hold off buying ornaments and things for the time being and to help you out instead by giving you vouchers so that you can put them towards things you especially want?

I agree with the other posters - just tell her.

i feel your pain, i really really do!! my mother and mother in law buy us absolute TATT. its shit because then you have to display the shit! i like horses so i now have to fucking awful leonado collection monstrosities, athough ive sort of warmed to them now.

Under any other circumstances i would say suck it up, but with the back story i think you should kindly tell your mum that you really want to choose stuff yourself, m sure she will understand

I would put the ones you want in a box and then in a couple of months time take them to a charity shop. If your mum notices they aren't there tell her you don't have room for more at the moment and please could she stop buying them. I probably would tell her that your ex was controlling and now you want to choose your own stuff for the house and only have limited space and that you know she means well but can she please just buy stuff for herself if she fancies buying an ornament.
If you display the shit they buy more.
Thanking her is giving her the wrong message. Saying it's a nice thought but.... (I want to choose my own stuff/ don't want lots of things to dust etc)" will get the message across clearly.
My sister used to collect cat ornaments and did once tell the family "I have grown out of wanting cat things so please can you not buy me any more, I don't have much space for ornaments anyway" She later said she'd started disliking them a couple of years before but didn't like to hurt people's feelings but as the cat ornaments hadn't stopped had to say something.

Tell her quick!

My aunt expressed a passing fancy for figurines of chickens. Many years later the whole house is filled with chickens as she felt she couldn't say no.

Something similar but in reverse. When my dd1 moved into hall at her uni I helped her move her stuff there, and like most mums,started to arrange her things on her bookcase and so on (mainly because she had never been interested in keeping her room tidy. However she told me in no uncertain terms that I was spoiling her moving-in day and that she wanted to unpack and arrange things for herself. That told me! I backed off and left her to it.