I don't want them to keep buying me stuff

[anonz]

Just before christmas I left an extremely controlling and abusive relationship. I wasn't allowed to do anything. I couldn't go to shop by myself, had no say in what we bought, what we ate, what we did, nothing. He controlled EVERYTHING and I wasn't allowed to buy anything for the house. All of the ornaments were his, he wouldn't let me have any up. Evverything was HIS way. I eventually got out before christmas and one thing I was so looking forward to was having the house the way I wanted it. Being able to buy the ornaments and pictures I liked and not having ti put up with his shit stuff all the time. I'd had my eye on these beautiful Japanese figurines for months before I left. They were beautiful and altogether there were six of them, all different. A fisherman, a woman and baby, a woman knelt down picking flowers, some kind of samurai figure, all matching. All colour co-ordinated, cream, white and black. So when I moved, the first thing I bought was two of these figures. My mum saw them and said how nice they were. I told her I intended to get the full set. So the week after I bought two more and intended to buy the last two the week after.
Then one day my mum came in and said how nice they all looked and said she didn't realise I was "collecting Japanese ornaments". I saw were this was leading and so quickly said I wasn't "collecting" anything and that I only liked this particular set. The next day she came in with two Japanese figures but not at all like the ones I'd been buying. These were the traditional blue and white, old fashioned type of ornament. Of course I thanked her but she insisted that they went with the other figurines. A week later she came in with two japanese pictures, not at all the kind of thing I'd want on my wall but what could I say??? I thanked her but again she wanted to see them put up. I've now totally lost the will to carry on buying the original set. I know it sounds awful and petty but I'm actually feeling quite bitter and pissed off that yet again I can't have the stuff I want because other people insist on taking over and want their own taste all over my space. Since then she's bought me a little japanese fisherman thing and a HUGE dragon ornament which she said "looks kind of japanese". Its awful, the kind of thing a 12 year old boy would have in his bedroom.

I know I'm being unreasonale but I don't want other people decorating MY HOUSE for me. How the hell do I tell her without upsetting her??

Tell her. Plus take the stuff down and that will give you a starting point in telling your mum as she will ask where they have gone...just say they are not to your taste and you want to buy your own stuff. I don't think I have ever put up anything that anyone has given me unless it's been a photo. I may have offended people by not putting there well meaning crap up but I haven't been given any ornaments for years

Well done for escaping and congratulations on getting your own place!

It's your space and she's insisting on buying stuff you don't want. You have to be straight with her, otherwise you're back to square one. You already file her you're not collecting Japanese stuff willy-nilly and she didn't listen, so I think you need to be really clear and firm when you tell her. Can you tell her what you told us, that you are enjoying having the freedom to decorate your own home?

If she insists again, or gets offended, then she is being overbearing and rude. When it comes down to it, it's your home and you don't have to have anything in it that you don't like, or that makes you feel horrible every time you see it.

Good luck with a difficult conversation. You can do it!

Let me know how the conversation went if you have it. My MIL has been doing the same thing for years and I don't have the courage to say no. It's not that she picks completely the wrong things, more that I don't have the space or the inclination to pack in 20,000 items into one display case. I like to be able to actually see the ones I chose and arranged myself, but I feel really nasty and ungrateful for even thinking that. She gets bits from charity shops and car boot sales, so I never know when I'm going to have to arrange my features to 'grateful'.

try moving to Japan. Your mum won't come round so often and your collection of Japanese ornaments won't look out of place.

Have you been thanking her nicely so she thinks she has bought you something you like?

be proactive and call her to say that you are de-cluttering your life and that you don't want any more artifacts, japanese or otherwise. That there are lots of things you do want and you are going to save up and get things as you can. but that you have been looking at your room and point out that as you said initially it's really not you and wrong in your room and whilst it is a nice thought you would prefer her to take all the stuff back.

Take down all the stuff she gave you that you don't like (maybe keep the smallest thing you can bear as a token but move it into a different room so you don't have to look at it but they you aren't giving her everything back.

next time she comes, give her the box of stuff back. you can refer back to the phone conversation that she knew you were going to do this as you had told her about it, so it shouldn't be a big surprise. hopefully she will have kept receipts so she can return to get the money back.

if she refuses to take the stuff back, leave it in the box and stick box in a cupboard. whenever you go over to visit her, take one of the bits as a present for her.

But do go and buy the last bits of your japanese set - when this dies down you will be really mad if you finally decide you want the last in the set and they are no longer available. Even if you don't have them out or have them somewhere different for the time being.

And you are def NBU - take a deep breath and practise practise practise telling your mum that you don't want her stuff. on the phone and in person - and rehearse replies to different things she might respond to you so you know how the conversation might go and how you can steer it back to the outcome you want. and if you do telephone first, have notes in front of you to help. then when she comes around you are talking about a previous phone call rather than about the things themselves which should make it less personal and easier to deal with - good luck!

Think of other options - could you go shopping together, could she put the equivalent money towards something you do want?

She'll have you in a kimono next!!
I would feel the same though.

I have a very dear friend who still buys me the sort of presents I would have LOVED when I was 18, but which I now loathe. Tiedyed throws, cheap Indian jewellery boxes. She stopped for a while and started buying those willow sculptures without faces that I find really creepy. I can't believe she hasn't noticed how my taste has changed, she's in my house almost every weekend.

at Jules - that's top tip of the day.

My mum did this to my 10 year old daughter who had started collecting little boxes. DD was enjoying herself saving up and buying a small box here and there. They meant something to her and it was a good collection for her tiny bedroom.
Cue Grandma buying multiple little boxes from charity shops and completely swamping the original collection.
When tackled on the subject she said 'I wonder if DD realises how much pleasure it gives me to buy these things?'
Had to take a deep breath and point out that she was actually denying 10year old DD the pleasure of building up her own collection.
She never did fully understand that one.
You have to be brutally honest.

I suspect that after all you have been through she wants to be kind-so you must be kind and tell her now, not in a row, or when you are totally fed up.
Just say it is these six, and they are symbolic of your freedom. Give her a hug and a kiss.

See, this is where honesty is the best policy from a very early age. My mum knows not to buy my sisters or me things without checking first - and has known it since we were teenagers!!!

We were out buying some maternity clothes for me when I was pregnant and she spotted a top she loved and I thought was hideous and I politely declined (She had already bought me 2 others that were lovely anyway!). She pushed, I declined again, she pushed again, I declined a bit more forcefully. She then suggested I could just wear it gardening - I gave her a wry look and said 'if I wear it gardening I will bury it in the garden - no thank you!'. She gave up after that - but wasn't really miffed because she knows that her taste is different to ours as we've always made it clear to her.

tell her what you told us!

If she wants to buys stuff for you perhaps you could suggest how important it is for you to choose stuff for yourself at the moment. I'm assuming she knows what you've been through to get where you are today, so communicate with her & let her know how she can help in other ways (if she can).