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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect people to be on time

33 replies

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2011 15:55

PiL wanted to come around to visit this afternoon. They said they would get here at 3.30. There were some time constraints for us so not a lot of flexibility if they want to see all their GCs. They didnt arrive so I phoned to check. They were just setting off (they live 40 minutes away). The only reason I know they are going to be an hour late is that I phoned them.

They do this so often and it drives me up the wall. Of course they arent reliable. Every now and then they turn up early just to screw us up in a different way.

I'm punctual, DH is punctual. They have no concept of time. If you can hear a thudding sound in the distance it is my forehead smacking on my desk.

Thank you - as you were.

OP posts:

Piggles · 28/01/2011 21:48

I do hate people who don't turn up on time, and do my utmost to make sure I am not the unpunctual one - and if I am going to be more than 10 mins late through circumstances beyond my control then I call or text to explain myself.

But I actually hate the earlies and the lates with equal vehemence - unless it is only a matter of 10 minutes or so either way, which could happen to anyone if the traffic is unusually light/heavy.

DH's family are lovely, but some of them have a tendency to arrive up to an hour early when you invite them to dinner. They trot in smiling and asking if they can do anything to help, but really, I'd rather they arrived when they were supposed to so they don't have to witness me with half-done hair brushing cat fur off the sofas

My DSCs on the other hand turn up at least an hour late for everything, often 2 or 3 hours late - if they remember to turn up at all. I don't comment, DH does enough frothing at the mouth for both of us.

Original poster

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2011 20:48

Unfortunately PiLs knew that we were going out (I had told them when arranging the time plus it is something we have been doing every week for three years).

They are long retired (as suggested up thread) and have forgotten that the rest of us have limited time and lots to do. They have all the time in the world and therefore filling it with faffing.

The difficulty is that I really like them and dont want to row or cause a scene All I want is for them to arrive at the time they had agreed!

As DD1 observed (as I ranted up the road) I'll be just as bad one day.

OP posts:

DublinMammy · 28/01/2011 19:59

So annoying! YANBU. It is totally rude and worthy of a sharp knee in the fundament. Since it's family cat64's solution might be more diplomatic, i.e. telling them what time you are going out etc. After a few visits where they only get 5 minutes with you all before you go out and they have to turn around a go home the message might sink in.

The earliness thing is v annoying too. My parents once turned up 2 hours early for lunch, i.e. in the middle of the morning, house was still a tip - toys etc. How lovely I said, you must have known I would need some help. I made my dad hoover and pick up toys and my mum peel the spuds and set the table and they seemed to repent of their earliness!

GloriaSmut · 28/01/2011 19:41

My mother was habitually late so I simply adjusted the time of events to take account of this but it was bloody annoying for all that. I've also got friends who seem unable to tell the difference between arrival and departure time and don't start their journeys until the time they were due to arrive at their destination. It's downright fucking rude! After all, how hard is it to make an arrangement that's conveniently timed for everyone and then keep to it? Nobody minds those exceptional times when you can't avoid being late but since everyone has a mobile phone there's very little excuse not to ring ahead and warn your hosts.

However, I also have a friend who is habitually early - a habit which is actually far more trying. She thinks it is a huge virtue and will not accept that people might structure their time around more than just her visit. I work mainly from home and I swear that she thinks she's doing me a favour by arriving early to entertain me. Which I don't. Also, were I to turn up at her workplace three quarters of an hour early I'd soon be told how inconvenient this was!

Ultimately, it is all insulting and self-important.

BoffinMum · 28/01/2011 19:26

Nest time, go out 30 minutes after their expected arrival time so they have come for nothing.

trixie123 · 28/01/2011 19:22

It drives me crazy and I think it is especially difficult if you have little ones. My parents can be rather like this and even if they are just coming to the house an hour makes a big difference - do we put DS down for nap or not? Are we going to go out and do something because now it'll be a rush to get back for tea etc. I am not a routine nazi and DS is pretty flexible but he has to eat and sleep at some point and you make arrangements to try and make the best of the day. When it all goes to fuck because they are just basically faffing its VV annoying. We also have friends who do this, no kids, live 20 mins away but are habitually 1-2 hours late, even when we are cooking them a meal. It implies that their time is more valuable and I keep trying to get up the courage to actually cancel on them one day when they ring to say they'll be late.

ivykaty44 · 28/01/2011 19:22

I have contact with a couple of people who are always late - so 30 minutes is added onto the time and sometimes we purposly bring the time forward by 30-45 minutes

it is horrid being late and it is horrid waiting for soemone

But in the last month one of the late people arrived spot on time - and guess what... my dd2 wasn't ready and the usually late person had to wait for dd2! and and it was frowned upon by the normally late person wow

alemci · 28/01/2011 19:19

my in laws are early and it really drives me mental. i would rather they were slightly late.

mitochondria · 28/01/2011 19:16

My parents, on the other hand, always have to be early for everything. Almost as annoying, in their own way.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 28/01/2011 19:16

YANBU lateness is the height of rudeness and as people have said it basically says my agenda is more important than yours and you will have to wait for me or work to my agenda.

Lateness is rife at work (like 20 mins late for a 30 min meeting) and I got to the point where I would literally start the meeting no later than 5 minutes after it was due to start, wouldn't acknowledge late people coming into the room and refuse to recap for latecomers and the meeting finished the moment it was supposed to.

We had 6 people over for dinner last weekend, one couple were an hour late (with no telephone call to say they were on their way or any sort of good reason when they arrived), tough shit, they missed the starter and just had to pull up a chair and get on with main. I wasn't mean to them or anything but nor did I make an extra effort to accommodate their lateness.

mitochondria · 28/01/2011 19:14

My inlaws are like this. The day before our wedding FIL was telling me a hilarious story about how he was always late for weddings. I told him if he turned up late for ours he wasn't getting in. He just made it.

They live on the IOW. Spend most of their time missing ferries.

Lara2 · 28/01/2011 19:12

YANBU - my DH's family are always late and it drives me mad. DH leaves at the time he's supposed to actually be there and always insists that he isn't late FFS!!! After over 20 years, I no longer wait for him and will often make my own way. I've given up making excuses at meetings and told them to start without him - he's a grown up and can do his own apologies and explaining.

I think it's appalling to be habitually late - everyone is late occassionally through no fault of their own and these days mobiles mean you can immediately phone and apologise and set a new time. To just turn up late is inexcusable.

5Foot5 · 28/01/2011 19:10

Are they retired? I think maybe once people have all day to suit themselves they get more casual about timekeeping and assume everyone else is in the same position.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 28/01/2011 19:10

YANBU.

Same issue with my parents, we are 40 mins away as well, e.g. I'll invite them over for lunch and they'll aim to get there for 12:00, phone will go at 12:20 and say that they're just leaving, but going to the shops on the way. They rock up at 1:30pm, wondering why I've eaten already and starving.. complaining that their lunch isn't ready

If they didn't ring I would go insane.

Original poster

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2011 19:06

They got here as DD1 and I were rushing out of the door (PiLs knew we were going out)- they conveniently parked blocking my car in so I had to get them to move. Ends up with me cross for them rocking up when it suits and them cross with me for being cross with them.

All seething undercurrent as none of us want to have a row.

Ho well they are gone now so peace, calm and punctuality reign once more.

Time to move on!

OP posts:

HMTheQueen · 28/01/2011 16:41

Well done McHobbes! I am slowly rising to the same point with my FiL - where he gets a proper dressing down (which I know will make no difference but will make me feel better!)

cat64 · 28/01/2011 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 16:28

YANBU!!

My fil is just the same - always late for arrangements by an hour or more. Yet, if we get held up 15 mins on our way to see them, he is the first to huff and puff and draw his mouth in like a dog's bum.

He truly believes his time is more important than ours and we fell out recently regarding this very same topic. I stood up to him for the first time ever, told him (politely but firmly) that contrary to his belief, his time is NOT more important than ours, and that his lateness was rude....especially given how annoyed he gets when someone is late for him.....and the old goat hasn't spoken to me since.

Fuck 'im.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 28/01/2011 16:27

YANBU

If it's a one off and they ring to warn you they're going to be late is fine but to be consistently late isn't. It doesn't matter if it's family or not.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/01/2011 16:24

My brother in law is very poor at timekeeping.

Once, he was very late and my husband made us get in the car and go out for the rest of the day

I recommend it. Sends a message.

And if they dare have a go about it, put on your confused face and say "oh, but we agreed X oclock. You were Y hours late without phoning or anything, so I naturally assumed you weren't coming."

mollymole · 28/01/2011 16:24

YANBU they are being rude - it does not matter family or not, unless there is an emergency then you arrive on time

missmapp · 28/01/2011 16:22

This drives me mad, I hate waiting for people, at home or anywhere else. But then I am guilty of saying ' dont worry, it doesnt matter' when people are late so I only have myself to blame!!

HMTheQueen · 28/01/2011 16:21

Oh, and as for the points about 'it's family' - I think we should be more polite to family - families are more important than strangers, so they should be treated better.

matchbox20 · 28/01/2011 16:20

3 hours......they would not be invited again in my house.

HMTheQueen · 28/01/2011 16:20

I'm with you - V. annoying!

My FiL is like this. He has no concept of time. He has no problem keeping everyone else waiting, but will storm off if he is kept waiting (also can't wait in traffic... must find a cut through or wiggle between lanes pointlessly).

It irritates the hell out of me - I was raised to believe that lateness is rude and it means that you think your time is more important than others.

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