Being someone's second wife...

[ShirtyGerty]

...can be tough sometimes. Especially where their family are concerned.

Fed up of MIL treating me like I don't matter as much as wife #1. The other day she told me that I should have taken DH's first wife's experiences into account when hiring a cleaner.

FFS. Its as if I have taken over someone's job rather than fallen in love with someone and married them.

YADDNBU.....I'm also a 2nd wife but my MIL would NEVER mention DH's 1st wife in front of me. The only time her name has EVER been mentioned is when DH's Grandma called me by her name but she didn't even realise that she'd done (she is 87!!)

I think its extremely rude of your MIL, how did you respond to her comment?

I would have been very cross!

Agree that that is very rude and insenstive of the MIL. What does your DH think about it?

Sorry op for the biscuit - I posted on the wrong thread. Yanbu

Hi planes, MIL talks about her all the time.

She has also called me by first wife's name a couple of times. DH told her in no uncertain terms to try to stop it.

The first time I met MIL we went out to lunch and she spent ages talking about the woman. I thought she was talking about a cousin or a neice or someone until the penny dropped.

Her house is covered in photos of her. She goes on holiday with her.

She spoke to her on the phone on Chistmas Eve in front of me to wish her a happy Christmas etc. DH and I were spending Christmas with her yet again as she has no other family. Wish I hadn't bothered now and had gone to my own family.

yanbu

I have the opposite, my in laws couldn't stand the ex (thing it was a mutual thing) and they are always comparing me favourably to her......also a bit annoying at times though as I am me and she is/was her, if that makes sense?

I am the 5th wife - PIL don't really give a monkey's after 4

I don't respond. 36 weeks preg and not the best at being calm and rational IYSWIM.

MIL is also trying to elbow in on the baby, saying that I 'must leave him alone with her' for the day every two weeks.

A confrontation is coming up - I've warned DH that I cannot be polite forever.

to Scarlett.

eeek...i become someones second wife a week tomorrow...i am thinking maybe i should stay away from this thread :o

Purpleandpink, totally. I just think of myself as me. But MIL and some of DH's friends think that I am utterly defined by being his second wife. I only think about it when they make insensitive comments.

scarlett

I'm a second wife. The ILs like me MUCH more

Congratulations seperv1xen! Good luck for your big day.

Hopefully your future DH's family have a bit more sensitivity. And at the end of the day, its what the two of you have together that is important.

it must be difficult when someone builds up a close relationship with their offspring's partner over many years and then they split up. it sounds as if as well as being a mil this woman is also acting as a close friend of ex wife - two very difficult roles to fulfil successfully. however she needs to learn how to manage both roles well - and that the mil really needs to take priority if anything. at the moment her friendship for the ex wife is taking priority over her relationship with her son and his new wife and that's not good.

I'm really glad that you have the strength to see that SHE is in the wrong, you are right that there is probably a confrontation looming, but, bloody hell, it is YOUR baby, and your husband. Best to stand up for yourself, and get DH there too, now, rather than compromise yourself and your new baby. Any child care arrangements are up to you and DH, you don't owe anyone anything.

oh, I'm a second wife, never give it a second thought really. But 1st wife in another country, no kids etc.
however the MIL did tell me a couple of months ago that I remind her of her( because I am so lovely apparently) and I look like her.
I didn't know what to say!!

super don't worry too much, my PIL couldn't stand no1 and never mention her, ever. FIL struggles to remember my name sometimes, but think that's just an age thing.

Shirty - thats awful, I really feel for you. I was going to suggest that you asked your DH to have 'a firm word' with your MIL but sounds like he's already been down that road.

She really sounds like she is completely insensitive and tactless. I think if it was me I would steer clear for a good few months - after a while she might ask DH why and he can then highlight all of the points in your 2nd post.

I think you need to be a bit tough and then she'll hopefully get the message that you don't want to hear about DH's past constantly, otherwise she's at risk of becoming very lonely!!

yeah my PIL don't like his ex at all. mind you, not sure they like me much either :o

strangely though, (i was also married before) i am good friends with my ex MIL and see her regularly. wonder if that pisses off my exH's gf?

Whoops - didn't see your post that you're 36 weeks pregnant - maybe its time for your DH to have another firm word before baby arrives. But then again, you're going to be soo focused on your baby that you'll not have energy or time to waste on MIL.

Good luck with your new arrival

Yeah - I'm going to get him to speak to her again before baby arrives. I've said its his last chance to get her to understand before I start answering back myself.

Thanks for the luck - very excited now.

Wonder if the first wife got rough treatment from MIL when she first joined the family ? I used to have the MIL from Hell - Satan's off-spring, and could turn you to jelly with a glance. I was young back then.
If she is doing it purposely to offend then she looks as if she is winning and in all honesty I wouldn't take it personally and see it more of a battle of wills and a game to play.
Next time holidays are mentioned ask if she and the first wife should do Christmas abroad together this year and have some 'fabulous' destinations lined up for her to look at.
She calls you by wife1 name then no that was his first wife and you're the 2nd wife and ask if she accidently calls wife1 by your name.
Hopefully you get the drift. Once you start to master the game it can give you great satisfaction, when you see her reactions.
If you can't be bothered just refuse to visit, making excuses for a while and see how things work out.

Not sure about if its on purpose. I haven't responded so far as I didn't want to upset DH by being at odds with his mum.

But I take your point, am definitely feeling like reciprocating as clearly being polite will not change anything.