Being someone's second wife...

[ShirtyGerty]

...can be tough sometimes. Especially where their family are concerned.

Fed up of MIL treating me like I don't matter as much as wife #1. The other day she told me that I should have taken DH's first wife's experiences into account when hiring a cleaner.

FFS. Its as if I have taken over someone's job rather than fallen in love with someone and married them.

Maybe something along the lines of "That was rude/insensitive, anyone would think you don't like me." may work.

It may make her think twice the next time. At least you have your DH on your side. You do need to put your foot down about the baby too.

It all depends on the reason for the split, whether they loved 1st wife , whether they still keep in contact with 1st wife and what your relationship is like.
On the face of YANBU, but relationships are rarely simple.

ShirtyGerty, good luck with the new baby (hadn't noticed you were pregant until after I had posted).
Wonder if you get lots of advice from the MIL on how you are doing everything wrong with the baby ? :)

I'm a second wife. My ILs all think I am wonderful in comparison.

She is never mentioned, not ever. She was initially, as I would expect because she had been in their lives until relatively recently.

None of them have any contact with her at all.

OP - I cannot imagine how that must make you feel. Your DH really needs to step up. Did they have children together? If not then I really cannot understand MIL continuing the relationship, it seems odd - from both perspectives.

I am fuming at the moment.. was going to start a thread, but here seems a good place to rant.. lol..

Background. I am wife no.2.. wife no.1 was divorced from my husband and remarried, before me and him started seeing each other.. and she professes to hate my husbands guts.. she has slagged him off to their 3 kids for the last fifteen years (me and him have been together ten and married for 9 of those now)..

I did get on with her for a few years, mainly for the sake of the kids, as they moved in with us when they were teens, because she was moving to a different area with her new husband, and her youngest kid (from a relationship after she left my husband).. but as soon as my stepson became a dad, she became insanely jealous of me, because I saw the baby (who is now 5) more than she did.. we live a mile away, she lives 100 miles away.. go figure! lol!!

Anyway, I dont have any of my stepkids on facebook, simply because of shit stirring that has gone on from the ex, who was reading my profile using the kids facebook pages to see it. My husband still has his kids on his facebook though, which is fair enough, and of course me and husband are friends with each other on there.. and MIL also has the kids on there, as its her way of keeping up with what everyones up to and she enjoys seeing photos etc.. the ex isnt friends with any of us on facebook, but again is friends with her kids, and at one point she had me, husband and MIL blocked so that nobody could see anything at all that she wrote on the kids walls. Which suited us all just fine.

Eldest daughter got married recently and suddenly the block has lifted, so husband can now see all her comments, which are mainly about how much she loves them, and how she was so pleased to be able to organise her daughters wedding.. (my husband was completely ignored to the point of the ex wife even walked her daughter down the aisle!).. and its so obvious she is only letting him see the comments now so that he can see everyone praising her for how wonderful she was to do it all...

My MIL asked me sort her facebook out today to check her privacy settings and the first thing I saw was a wedding photo.. of my husbands first wedding!!! the ex has scanned it in, titled it with "lovely memories"
she has tagged it with one of the kids names, so that it will come up on MIL's newsfeed, and my husbands.

I know she is only doing it to wind me up.. but it really has fucking annoyed me. Husband isnt home from work yet, but I know he is going to be fuming about it too.

I am so lucky, I never have that problem OP. First wife was basically a cunt.

Actually even typing that word feels wrong, I thought it would be guilt free.

My DP has an XW - so I'm not a second wife but in the same position of having this ghostly/ghastly presence. DP and I have a joint mortgage, one DD and another DC on the way - none of which he did with his XW - but his family still manage to make me feel somehow less valued that his ex. At his Mum's 80th birthday there was a seating plan where his family had just their first names up but everyone else had both first and surname. I had both names showing - DP's sister told me that this was because I wasn't really part of the family as we weren't married. His Aunt is always talking about his honeymoon in front of me for some reason. His Mum keeps up all the postcards from holidays he and his ex went on. He and I have been together 7 years - longer than he was married.

I am lucky that my MIL is great, and totally understands what a bitch the first wife is. She keeps the peace and is friendly with her for the sake of the grandchildren, but she always tells me that I am most definately the best wife . MIL thinks that the ex is just bitter and jealous, because she has still got feeling for my husband (well she should have thought of that before she went shagging around with god knows how many blokes behind his back then.. )..

I clicked on this thinking it was a thread about polygamous marriage

OP YANBU - your MIL sounds like a PITA.

I live in West London - not Salt Lake City! He he he.

Today is the first time I've posted and had a look around the threads and what amuses me is we have those who believe all the woes of women are down to a partiarchal society and then you get to threads like this and it's the 'other' woman, be it mother's, MILs, ex wives, etc. who can't deal with their own stupid issues and inflict their twattiness and malice on other females.

Stangirl that's horrible, how hurtful.
I'm eternally grateful that my soon to be husband's family are so reasonable - when his sister got married, I (not even quite fiancee then) got treated just the same as his other sister's husband.
It meant a lot.

My exil's didn't like my exh's previous live in g/f, they didn't like the il's of any of their immediate family, they didn't like any of the exh's of exh's sisters, and made nasty sarcatic throw away comments, I never felt liked, even though they showed they liked me, I had seen 3 hubands come and go with the sil's and saw they were nice to them too when they were married, I knew well what the reactions to me would be as an ex, as they will be with every other il when they become an ex, if we were ever really like at all in the first place!

Aww YANBU :(

I'm quite lucky really - I may be the second wife, but thankfully DH's dad (he's cut contact with his mother) understands what a horrible abusive woman exW was - partly because his own exW ie DH's mum was similar! :(

My FIL is just happy that his son is happy.

You're not his "second wife", you're his wife.

His ex is his former wife, or first wife.

If you guys were ever to split, then you might become his second wife.

But he only has one wife, and that is you. Calling you, or thinking of you, as a "second wife" is weird and unpleasant.

It's like calling someone a "current girlfriend". They're just a girlfriend. Sticking in unnecessary adjectives is a way of casting aspersions on the relationship.

I will forever find it amazing that some family members can't seem to accept that an ex is an ex. Rubbing the nose of a new partner in the remains of an old relationship achieves nothing.

YANBU to find this annoying, but try to rise above it and just let it be a mild annoyance. If other people want to play these silly games let them and enjoy your own happiness.