Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my dp to help out a little in the house?

34 replies

kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 13:23

I work 18 hrs a week, 2 evenings 5 til 11o'clock and 11til half 5 on a sunday. My dp works 38 hrs as an estate gardener. We have 2 dcs aged 7 and 4. I also have 3 grown up children who live away from home, 2 of which have bpd and my 19yo dd is 24 weeks pg. My dgs who is almost 5 has been living with us for the past year too. I cook every meal and do 90% of the housework. Our garden is a complete tip as my dp can't be arsed doing anything with it. I've put up with this for the past 7 years and now I'm totally pissed off with it. I have spoken to my dp many times about but it still carries on the same. He has a very quick temper and more often than not he flares up when I mention him helping me more and when I tell him I have all this work to do he says its my choice! What's the choice, do all the work or live in a pig sty!! I think last night was the last straw for me. I got in from my work late and the place was messy. I've had a sore back for weeks and find bending down to pick things up really painful so I asked my dp to help me clear up, he grunted ok and went to the kitchen to wash a pot that had been sitting there since tea time, I'd washed all the other dishes before going to work but did'nt have time to do the pot. Anyway once he did that he stood and watched me crawl around on the floor tidying all the kids toys. When I went into the kitchen there was still dishes in the sink that he'd used through the evening. When I finish work on a sunday I do a shopping, come home and put it away, make tea, do dishes, get school uniform sorted, he'll bath the kids and I put them to bed. I'm seriously thinking of leaving him, I have a lot of resentment towards him over this and I doubt he'll ever change. Sory this is so long and rambling but needed to get this off my chest. Aibu and should I just get on with it and stop complaining?

OP posts:
Original poster
kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 13:35

any advice anyone?

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 28/01/2011 13:37

Amazed that you've put up with it for so long. YANBU.

Callisto · 28/01/2011 13:39

Dump him, he sounds like a piss-taking twat to me.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/01/2011 13:40

He won't change. Once a lazy bastard, always a lazty bastard.

wukter · 28/01/2011 13:41

Of course he should. Both of you should have the same amount of leisure time and the same amount of pocket money. Working outside the home is not the only work that needs doing.

Not just your partner either. Even the 5 year old should be putting their toys back in the box at the end of the day.

Meglet · 28/01/2011 13:41

YANBU.

The resentment is a killer. My XP was just as bad.

compo · 28/01/2011 13:42

It's really hard to read without paragraphs tbh

Original poster
kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 13:44

yeah I think I'm gonna have to leave, so angry about this. I've told him that I'd leave eventually if he did'nt get his act together. He obviously does'nt give a shit about me or his kids.

OP posts:
BuddhaBelly · 28/01/2011 13:47

compo Really Hmm What a silly comment
OP - I had no problem reading this and I agree with wutker you do need to get everyone else to help too.
I don't think after 7 years he will change, does he realise how serious you are feeling?

Original poster
kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 13:47

sorry about the lack of paragraphs, posting from my phone and can't get the hang of it.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 28/01/2011 13:48

kill his lazy arse

Callisto · 28/01/2011 13:50

Can you not kick him out - or is your house tied to his job?

I also agree that everyone needs to muck in to a certain extent. Don't be a martyr, only you will suffer while everyone else takes the piss. I also hope that you are getting some sort of financial help for caring for your grandson full time.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 13:52

he does know exactly how I feel about it but makes no difference. He's also a complete hoarder and won't throw anything away. If I throw stuff out I have to hide it at the bottom of the bin. He has been known to take things out of the bin that I've chucked out.

OP posts:
Callisto · 28/01/2011 13:53

The hoarding thing alone would be a deal-breaker for me I'm afraid.

BuddhaBelly · 28/01/2011 13:53

Get a skip and chuck the lot! Him included. Rummaging through bins

Original poster
kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 13:55

callisto ---- I can't kick him out, its his house. Don't know where I can go, I can't really afford rent on my own. I do get financial help for my dgs.

OP posts:
Callisto · 28/01/2011 14:00

Talk to citizens advice, get yourself on a council housing list, start saving money as your escape fund.

Original poster
kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 14:07

I will speak to cab, just feel so sad for my kids, it'll break their hearts if we split up..

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 28/01/2011 14:18

start an escape fund if poss . . . sorry, trying to feed DS but will keep reading and respond properly. first post a bit dismissive - sorry op

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 14:20

Eeek I feel bad for you. I usually say to these posts that the OP should stop doing DH washing and cooking for them until they take the hint but he doesn't sound like he'd even care! Well maybe try it anyway. You are not a slave and you have enough to do.

Honeybee79 · 28/01/2011 14:24

It's tough that you're effectively homeless if you leave him. Start to build up a running away fund (my mother used to tell me that everyone needs one at some point in their lives . . . ) if you can spare the cash. Speak to your local council about getting accommodation. It would also be worth trying to speak to charities such as Shelter who will be able to advise you more on the housing front. Any friends/family who live locally who could put you up temporarily?

BringOnTheGoat · 28/01/2011 14:25

I would leave but in mean time STOP DOING THINGS FOR HIM.
Clean up your stuff, the kids stuff, cook for you and them but stop doing things for him. Leave his washing, don't plate him dinner, don't buy the things he wants at shopping.
Not to be petty but to stop more resentment building. Be matter of fact - 'I have asked for help, you give me none, now I need to focus on me & kids as I am too tired to do it all'

Original poster
kaylasmum · 28/01/2011 15:48

I really don't think my dp would care if I stopped doing things, he would live in a tip quite happily. He always says that he would make tea and wash up but we would all starve if we waited for him to cook and yes he would do the dishes, but probably about midnight. He nearly always falls asleep right after tea. Unfortunately I don't have anywhere else to go.

OP posts:
wukter · 28/01/2011 16:08

Well, would he notice if he didn't get his tea handed to him? I don't know, it might be satisfying to take that tack but you might be better off keeping your cards close to your chest.

You'll have to start saving if possible. See can you find a couple of his payslips lying about, hold onto them, might be handy later when you are sorting out maintenance. In case he doesn't play fair. Could you check with a solicitor about the family home even if it is in his name, the children are still v young. I think solicitors give you a free half hour.

Would he go to counselling if you wanted to give it one last shot?

Nagoo · 28/01/2011 16:19

I would try counselling.

I did manage to sort this problem out with my DH, as he now understands that the 'I will do it, in my own time' response does not work to justify laziness.

Children need their dinner on the table NOW not later.

The bin needs emptying NOW or I won't be able to fit another shitty nappy in it.

The cat litter needs doing NOW or the cat will piss on the floor.

If he does the pots at midnight, what does that matter?

compromise?

Swipe left for the next trending thread