to expect my dp to help out a little in the house?

[kaylasmum]

I work 18 hrs a week, 2 evenings 5 til 11o'clock and 11til half 5 on a sunday. My dp works 38 hrs as an estate gardener. We have 2 dcs aged 7 and 4. I also have 3 grown up children who live away from home, 2 of which have bpd and my 19yo dd is 24 weeks pg. My dgs who is almost 5 has been living with us for the past year too. I cook every meal and do 90% of the housework. Our garden is a complete tip as my dp can't be arsed doing anything with it. I've put up with this for the past 7 years and now I'm totally pissed off with it. I have spoken to my dp many times about but it still carries on the same. He has a very quick temper and more often than not he flares up when I mention him helping me more and when I tell him I have all this work to do he says its my choice! What's the choice, do all the work or live in a pig sty!! I think last night was the last straw for me. I got in from my work late and the place was messy. I've had a sore back for weeks and find bending down to pick things up really painful so I asked my dp to help me clear up, he grunted ok and went to the kitchen to wash a pot that had been sitting there since tea time, I'd washed all the other dishes before going to work but did'nt have time to do the pot. Anyway once he did that he stood and watched me crawl around on the floor tidying all the kids toys. When I went into the kitchen there was still dishes in the sink that he'd used through the evening. When I finish work on a sunday I do a shopping, come home and put it away, make tea, do dishes, get school uniform sorted, he'll bath the kids and I put them to bed. I'm seriously thinking of leaving him, I have a lot of resentment towards him over this and I doubt he'll ever change. Sory this is so long and rambling but needed to get this off my chest. Aibu and should I just get on with it and stop complaining?

I think I will go and see a solicitor, I dont think he can change. I don't like dirty dishes lying in the kitchen all evening. I prefer to have kitchen clean and tidy within a reasonable timescale. I don't really know what compromise I can make.

I understand that you don't like dirty dishes in the kitchen all evening but that is a personal thing and alone shouldn't be a deal breaker. It doesn't actually matter when the dishes are done really as long as he does them.

As long as it's not how Nagoo says and he won't do things that need doing at the time they need doing (kids gets their dinner on time) then maybe, just maybe, you're being a bit controlling.

Is there more to it then that?

Given your circumstances, assuming this is the only issue I would suggest trying to work on it rather than leaving. Would it be possible for you to get a day when someone else has the kids and you can make a point of sitting down and having a proper conversation about it, rather than just reacting to each episode as it happens which really just turns into nagging? I do agree with Monkeyflippers that you may have to compromise up to a point over WHEN certain things get done, but yes he wold have to realise that some things need to be done THEN. Does he know how unhappy you are?

I don't think I'm controlling at all, I don't like dirty dishes lying about all evening, hence the reason I do them. On the few occasions he has done them he invariably leaves a dirty pot on the cooker and I don't notice it until the next day. As far as this being the only problem in our relationship ---- its not, he has a violent temper and has punched a hole in the bathroom door, kicked the dog, kicked furniture, told me to fuck off, go fuck myself among many other nasty things. All I want is a happy and respectful Relationship and stable enviroment to raise my kids. Oh and a little help around the house.

I think kicking the dog alone is enough reason to leave!

I'm surprised you didn't mention that first instead of the washing up.

I did'nt mention that first because it happened a month ago and was'nt on my mind at the time. This is'nt just about the washing up, its about me being taken advantage of.

No absolutely I would be pissed off about being taken advantage of as well.

Kicking the dog though . . . fucking hell! I'm surprised it's no longer at the front of your mind. Think it would be at mine for months and months.

He sounds like a scumbag.

probably not at the front of my mind because as always with his flare ups I try to forget what he's done cos I don't know what else to do.

You say it is his house do you financially contribute? You should see a solicitor as you may find you come out better off than not.