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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to push ahead with sterilisation against DH wishes

43 replies

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 27/01/2011 00:10

We have been together 12 years and have two DC 4 & 2. We both agree that our family is complete but we have been debating contraceptive options sonce dd was born with no great resolution.

I have used contraception from 17 onwards, trying a number of options including:
Jag twice - both times lost weight (went to 5 1/2 st first time).
Numerous pills pre and post birth - forgot to take them & suffered migraines every couple of months. Implant twice - first time was great (pre kids) second time had constant cramps, bloating, irregular periods with odd bleeding in between, migraines and horrendous want to kill everyone mood swings.
Condoms - Hate them and don't trust them. Had to get the morning after pill three times.

I am sick and tired of fucking contraceptives.

DH will not get the snip....we have argued, talked and arrived at the conclusion that he believes "if it is working fine, dont' risk it with surgery."

I was fucking lividirritated with his attitude until I spoke with my mum who had been sterilisd.

I realised that I don't want to ever get pregnant again regardless of dh. I am happy and willing to be sterilised as it is what I want/need to feel sure of never having kids (99% effective) and can't face more contraceptive chemicals/jags/implants etc.

DH would prefer I don't go ahead on the basis of "if it is working fine, dont' risk it with surgery." (he doesn't have secret yearnings for more kids) as he is scared of complications etc. He suggests trying again with other contraception but I really just want it done so I can enjoy sex without being "on hold" while the condom goes on and being paranoid about it splitting and being forced to take the morning after pill.

I know I don't need permission but I worry I am bulldozing through this without him.

He isn't trying to bully me or being nasty...he is concerned. He will take time off work for the op to care for the kids.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 27/01/2011 00:14

See I'd just go for the jab and a big bag of donuts if I were you...

YANBU I think with some couples it takes one to take the bull by the horns and just go for it.

I keep saying to DH I will get done, he doesn't like the permenancy of it but I said if we really did change our minds (I wont!) that we could have IVF. If I leave it much longer I'd probably have to anyway, sterilised or not Grin

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 27/01/2011 00:17

Copper coil?

Vallhala · 27/01/2011 00:20

I can't see any good reason whatsoever for you not to opt for sterilisation. Your husband is to be complimented for caring about your welfare but needs perhaps to understand the effect upn your happiness and peace of mind that current and past contraceptive choices cause/have caused.

Like Tatty I think it just needs one party to just take a deep breath and forge ahead.

Original poster
Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 27/01/2011 00:20

Grin jam only please

Thats kind of how I feel. One of us needs to just get on with it. If he is unwilling, I will do it.

Since I would rather claw my own uterus out than be pregnant again!! Shock Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 27/01/2011 00:23

coils make my insides quiver..but not in a good way Smile

If I have to insert ... then re-insert ... repeat etc another contraceptive device in my body I will go insane! insane I tell you Confused

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 27/01/2011 00:28

i think YANBU

like you i dont get on with lots of hormonal contraceptions and i resent having to put my body through so much. i am not yet at a stage where i feel my family is complete so sterilisation is not on the cards yet but in your situation i would do it.

liquiditytrap · 27/01/2011 00:29

I think YANBU. If he didn't want you to do it because he wanted another baby then I would say maybe don't. But he doesn't want them, it is just fear of the unknown re surgery.

SparkleSoiree · 27/01/2011 00:29

You see, I may get flamed here but I would not get sterilised just yet...I asked for sterilisation during my 2nd pregnancy. Consultant would not do it as he felt I was too young (28 at the time) and he said my life my change direction even if I did not plan it to.

He was right, 7 years later I was married to a different man and we wanted a baby together.

I am not saying you will meet somebody else, but life has this habit of throwing spanners in the works and lots of things constantly make you change your plans..

I opted for the coil. And the best thing is no periods!

thumbdabwitch · 27/01/2011 00:29

You have to have some kind of counselling session prior to sterilisation anyway, I think, don't you? Perhaps your DH should go with you so he can hear the pros and cons and then take his head out of his arse and let you do what is right for you!

readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:30

Have you asked your doctor if they will do it? I know a few women who have asked and been told no. Are you willing to go private?

readywithwellies · 27/01/2011 00:33

Also, there is a new contraceptive, only available in FPC - it is a device you keep in your vagina for three weeks then discard to have a period. Can't remember what its called but it does have hormones in it.

dittany · 27/01/2011 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 27/01/2011 00:36

dittany i assume OP also wants to continue with penetrative sex and her DH has said he does NOT want her to have this operation. he is not insisting she does this.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 27/01/2011 00:44

I agree with Dittany 100%.

If a couple both agree that neither of them want any more children then him having a vasectomy is far less invasive and he should be willing to do this.

dittany · 27/01/2011 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TattyDevine · 27/01/2011 00:52

Is it just me that finds Dittany saying "penetrative sex" kind of ummmm...arousing? Blush

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 27/01/2011 00:57

i think it is time that all men were able to shoulder as much of the contraceptive responsibility that women currently shoulder. i hate that hormonal contraceptives exist only for women.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 27/01/2011 00:57

and i think tatty needs a cold shower. Grin

spidookly · 27/01/2011 01:07

yanbu

neither is he.

My DH is like that about surgery too. I had an operation recently to remove a possibly cancerous tumour and he thought it was "a bit drastic" :o

not that that helps you decide what to do...

I think maybe I'd say something like "look, one of us is going to be having an operation because I do not want to risk another pregnancy. The operation you could have is the more straightforward, but if you won't have it then I'll have the more invasive one."

aurynne · 27/01/2011 01:08

IHaveBeenCreditCrunched, have you considered Adiana or Essure? They are as permanent as tubal ligation, no hormones involved and do not require surgery, as the procedure is done intra-vaginally.

Your DH is being too precious about his bits, to be honest. But I agree you can't force someone to go through sterilisation.

echt · 27/01/2011 01:11

What dittany said.

Morloth · 27/01/2011 01:45

If you don't want to be pregnant ever again then you should really go for the permanent solution. He doesn't have to like it, but he does need to support you while you recover.

I am thinking Essure looks pretty good when I make a decision about more children, though DH is also going to get a vasectomy.

It is your body, you decide what to do with it, he doesn't get a say.

anonymosity · 27/01/2011 02:11

I hate to say it, as its a horrible thought, but what if something awful happened and you lost one or both children? Would you not want to have another in those circumstances? I am just throwing this out there - sorry to be so melodramatic. Its entirely your choice and decision, its just the one thing that has stopped me / my DP from going ahead.

Morloth · 27/01/2011 02:16

You can't replace children. If I lost one of my boys having another baby wouldn't ease the hurt or the loss, because I wouldn't want another child, I would want that one back.

ButterPieify · 27/01/2011 02:35

Watching with interest. Sick of being worried every month, sick of sex being ruined by being paranoid about condoms breaking, utterly petrified of another pregnancy.

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