to push ahead with sterilisation against DH wishes

[Ihavebeencreditcrunched]

We have been together 12 years and have two DC 4 & 2. We both agree that our family is complete but we have been debating contraceptive options sonce dd was born with no great resolution.

I have used contraception from 17 onwards, trying a number of options including:
Jag twice - both times lost weight (went to 5 1/2 st first time).
Numerous pills pre and post birth - forgot to take them & suffered migraines every couple of months. Implant twice - first time was great (pre kids) second time had constant cramps, bloating, irregular periods with odd bleeding in between, migraines and horrendous want to kill everyone mood swings.
Condoms - Hate them and don't trust them. Had to get the morning after pill three times.

I am sick and tired of fucking contraceptives.

DH will not get the snip....we have argued, talked and arrived at the conclusion that he believes "if it is working fine, dont' risk it with surgery."

I was fucking lividirritated with his attitude until I spoke with my mum who had been sterilisd.

I realised that I don't want to ever get pregnant again regardless of dh. I am happy and willing to be sterilised as it is what I want/need to feel sure of never having kids (99% effective) and can't face more contraceptive chemicals/jags/implants etc.

DH would prefer I don't go ahead on the basis of "if it is working fine, dont' risk it with surgery." (he doesn't have secret yearnings for more kids) as he is scared of complications etc. He suggests trying again with other contraception but I really just want it done so I can enjoy sex without being "on hold" while the condom goes on and being paranoid about it splitting and being forced to take the morning after pill.

I know I don't need permission but I worry I am bulldozing through this without him.

He isn't trying to bully me or being nasty...he is concerned. He will take time off work for the op to care for the kids.

Another vote for dittany but you can't force it on him. YANBU.

I've been sterilised and it's one of the best decisions I ever made. Perhaps you could both go to the GP/family planning and have a chat with someone about it - it might set DH's mind at rest. If you ask for an appointment to discuss contraception generally, DH might even change his mind about vasectomy.

Short-term, have you considered a diaphragm? I got on very well with one for about 3 years before I was sterilised.

I do feel for you. when I had dd by ELCS, I asked my doctor to tie my tubes up at the same time. She refused . She told me to go back six months later with DH to talk about it. We did go back six months to the day after DD was born and made an appt for it to be done when he was off school to look after DD.
Two days before I was due to be admitted, the doctor went to france to lecture and we left the country. I asked DH to go and get a vasectomy. He refused.
FF nearly 10 years, we are still both intact in the respective reproductive depts but I wish he would go and get done.
I am menopausal so it doesn't really matter that much, but I do resent him for it. A bit.

So OP´s husband is frightened of surgery-for himself & her?

TBH he should have it done as it´s a lot less complicated.

Why does he think it "won´t work" after surgery?

Probably get flamed for this but I can´t respect a man who won´t do this when families are complete.

Tbf it is only morning or afternoon surgery, I had it done myself 15 years ago.

Two stitches in at 8am out at 1am. Only needed a few days off work.

Life went on as normal.

I have been to the g.p, then FP consultant and now have an appointment ...just arrived....for surgery on monday...next week that was quick!

I went through everything with the consultant...they are very thorough... and she was happy for surgery.

I am mid 30s with two kids and no medical problems or history, so hoping the operation would be problem free.

I can't explain it very well but it is like a switch went on when I was ready to start a family and it is now off. I don't want another child... regardless of the death of my children, husband or breakdown of our relationship...I am done!

Far fewer sterilisation procedures are now done, simply because there are better alternatives like the IUS out there, which are safer, reversible, and have positive benefits to most women (no periods for example). Sterilisation is generally a minor procedure, but does involve general anaesthetic with all its risks, must be considered irreversible, and does have a failure rate (which many people overlook).

If you are absolutely sure you want a steri, then see your GP (ideally go as a couple as it is a joint decision, and surgeons are not keen to do it if partners are not in agreement about it) for a referral. But please make sure you are 100% certain first; I see A LOT of women a few years after steri wanting a reversal because for a multitude of reasons, they have changed their mind, and even more who come needing treatment for eg heavy periods, which then involves taking hormonal contraception anyway!

YANBU - there is an alternative (the snip) and he's not wanting to do it. He is being unreasonable forcing you to suffer all the consequences of contraception, in your life to date and now your family is complete, to keep making this your issue.

His operation (I'm assuming) is much less invasive than yours. If he really cared about this that much he can opt for the snip & spare you an operation. If he doesn't want to make that decision fair enough, but he should stand aside and let you get on with your decision.

(I think I'll be standing in your shoes in a year of 2!)

dittany - He is being selfish and ...well a bit of a fud to be honest and I have told him so. It is his decision though... selfish or not... and I can't/woundn't force him.

He doesn't like the idea of getting any op without a medical reason...to save your life of something similar. Goes back to horrible childhood experiences with getting his stomach pumped as a child and a horrific appendicectomy which left huge scars on his abdomen. His concern is genuine fear that I might have complications with life long effect or death.

He doesn't understand much about the effects of hormonal contraceptives...I have gone through the options available & pros/cons. He just doesn't get it. He has never had crazy hormones sending him nutty and physically uncomfortable so he can't really understand.

He would prefer we continue with condoms, (which we both hate) and wait for menopause to work it's magic. 'Cos obviously no one ever gets pregnant during the menopause

aurynne - never heard of them, consultant didn't mention them. I will google

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo - exactly right. We both want a sex life..full and free from "fake" mental hormones, stopping to insert, put on whatever contraceptive device.

I like to just have sex with no thought, holding back to wait or fear of getting pregnant.

Morloth - he will take time off work to take me, look after the kids, collect me etc so he will support me. He is just unconvinced that this is the best/only solution.

ButterPieify - that is exactly how feel. I would hate to be pregnant...I would hate to have an abortion but I would resent giving birth to another child and I couldn't put a child through that. I AM DONE!

Added to that... the fear of getting pregnant is lowering my sex drive so we are both losing out!

PlentyOfParsnips - My MIL is not helping DH asshe insits I will become depressed, fat and resent him afterwards....as she did!

Have you thought about mirena coil? it goes in once i think for 3 years, i had exactly the same experiance with implant that you had - 1st one great - 2nd after baby crap- have had coil in for 8 weeks and so far so brilliant - no periods no mood swings (think it is lower dose of hormone than the implant)

The consultanmt suggested it but I can't face another temporary contraceptive device. I am fed up being poked about with by other people..even smears annoy me now, (though I always go).

Surely you'd be better with a copper coil? Getting one inserted is far less invasive than getting steralised, and once its in you can forget about it. I've had mine ten years now, its bloody marvellous, and no hormones.

OP i can understand your DH's reluctance, mine also voiced the same opinion when we discussed which one of us was getting permanently fixed in that department.

it sounds as if your DH means well and cares for you, which is better than some of the posters on here whose husbands just won't take responsibility for it because they just don't want an operation.

Have you considered looking at Essure?

My husband was planning on going through a vasectomy (due to the fact that compared to traditional sterilisation, its failure rate is MUCH better, less invasive, and so on). However a couple of recent health scares (for him) have swayed my decision on this and I plant o get sterilised myself (DH is willing to still have it but i really don't want to have him having more operations or setbacks, frankly).

i was nervous but then i read about Essure. i don't know an awful lot about it yet, but i've been told that you do NOT need a GA for it, they just put little clamps on your tubes and do it with keyhole surgery through a small cut in your belly/cervix. it sounded like a much better option HOWEVER i haven't had time to really get to grips with researching it properly yet (such as its failure rate, any complications, and so on) beyond the nice things such as a shorter recovery time and less cutting. Maybe you could look into if your local hospital offers this option for female sterilisation ? this option doesn't help the fact that it makes more sense for him to get fixed though.

i genuinely think men don't understand the moodiness, lack of control over your own body, weight gain, worry etc that contraception has on women. i suppose the fact is that at the moment your DH has all the benefits of your current contraceptive method with none of the real disadvantage s(since you're the one that's getting stressed). since he doesn't understand the negatives of the current method, there's very little incentiev for him to consider changing the status quo.

I got sterilised after an unplanned pregnancy. DH (now ex) refused to contemplate a vasectomy. As I was in my late 30s by then there was no issue in terms of wanting another child at any point or in any circumstances. The op was very straightforward - I was out for about 20 minutes and home early afternoon. Although I was signed off work for a week after a couple of days I felt completley fine. Go talk to your doctor or practice nurse and get booked in - it took about 8 months for me to get the op, so there is plenty of time to change your mind!

I am so glad someone else has had want to kill everyone mood swings when they have the implant!

MsSparkle - I actually scared myself someimes and had to physically remove myself from the room to prevent actual bodily harm. It was totally not me...I didn't recognise myself.

I have changed my op appointment to feb as DH couldn't get the day off with such short notice. I havr looked at essure and they also seem good (after a quick google) but I am booked and ready for sterilisation so don't want to change it.