To think my XH is putting his mother before his daughter (again)

[imustbemadasaboxoffrogs]

Some of you will know the backstory - I'll try to keep this brief!

All through the almost 20 years we were married MIL came first. What she wanted in terms of visits or behaviours, she got. "No one ever says no to my Mother" etc etc

So, DD2 was at his the other night, had party invite for this Sat. He gets her to phone party child and accept invitation.

She comes to mine and is all excited about the party, except they have to dress up and she doesn't have a suitable outfit to fit the theme of the party.

So I phone XH since he will have her at the weekend and say "What have you done about the party? DD2 says you told her to talk to me"

Cue much emmmming and errrring and he then admits that he's just come off the phone to his mother who wants him to be there all day on Saturday (think 8am - 7pm) and he forgot about DD2 going to the party.

She is, apparently, going to have to come to terms with the fact that life does not revolve around her, he's made arrangements to go to his mother and she will have to get over it.

(I offered to take her, and drop her to his pm but that is ridiculous, she will have to just accept that she isn't going to the party)

So, AIBU to think mummykins is coming first before his own daughter?

Does dd have to go to him for the weekend? could she stay with you and still go to the party or is contact legally enforced?

Oh and yanbu

Why does his mum want him there?

I offered to have her here - he said no. Contact is flexible but he said I was being unreasonable and "pandering" to her by changing things so that she could go to the party.

I said I'd pick her up from him Friday evening and drop her off Saturday after 7 (by which time he should be back) or he could collect her on his way home.

He said he is not prepared to do that.

I am fuming - he's putting his mother first, isn't he? She wants him there so he's going and to hell with everyone else.

I lived 20 years with this and I cannot believe he's doing it still, and on the girls.

I think he should've said "Sorry Mum I forgot DD2 has a birthday party in the afternoon, we'll call down Sunday"

Ivie - don't want to give to many details but he goes there every single Saturday to help out.

Think family business, sort of

kill him

really

BTW I mean Every Single Saturday All Day - be there before 9, not back til after 7pm, probably more like 8 or 9.

Unless it was the summer and he was playing his sport.

When he played it Every Single Saturday (it's cricket so it really did take All Day)

Even when we both worked full time and family time was very limited.

The "family" expected him there and he went.

He made a commitment to his child first so he should honour it. Had he agreed to see his mother first, well it wouldnt kill him to take a couple of hours out, but he would be ok to say that he had commited to his mum first.

I would insist on taking her myself, bollocks to what he is "prepared" to do.

Maryz - she was at mine last night.

XH phoned mother (or she phoned him, not sure) and arranged to go there at the weekend having "forgotten" that DD2 had accepted the party invitation - she asked him could she go, he said yes and she phoned the child to accept.

Poo that still wasn't clear.

he phoned his mother last night, DD2 had accepted the party invite on monday night

Family business? Ex MIL is a mafia princess, isn't she? Exh has to do what she says or he'll be sleeping with the fishes.
That's the only explanation I can accept

2blessed - ha ha ha it certainly felt like that! And I was the unacceptable outsider

It's a farm. His brother now runs it. MIL is a widow. She sends food parcels home with him every week because he cannot look after himself.

Maryz - you are right and I tried to tell him that.

Apparently, she's going to have a great time with her granny and cousins yeah especially since girl cousin ignores her in favour of DD1 and boy cousin beats the crap out of her

And then he tried to say it was because XMIL wanted to have a birthday party for DD2 (it's her birthday next week) and he'd thought he would have her on her actual birthday but he doesn't I do, and his mum had it all organised.

But if that was the case, and it was only a party at Granny's then surely it could have happened on the Sunday?

Apparently, Granny talked to DD2 and told her that she was coming to her on the date of her birthday and Granny was making a special cake and candles (as told to me last night by DD2)

I even told him that if his mum wanted to do that, he could have her on her birthday and do that (I'm doing the kiddy party the weekend after)

I feel a bit like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't?

That should have been he doesn't have her then I do

Oh and I have said this on here before but DD2 doesn't like going to XMIL at all because

"Granny says nasty things about you mummy"

Do not let her go he cannot say no.As another poser said it is soon going to get boring for her going to the farm every weekend and it wont be long before she is making her own plans with friends for sleepovers and things.

Take control of the situation yourself then! Tell X-twat that she is going to the party and he can get stuffed, keep her at home and take her yourself. Offer him the sunday instead, in fact if he has to be somewhere every saturday he should choose another day for contact...the clue is in the word CONTACT ie he spends time with her, not palms her off on his mother.

Are you scared of him? I would have told my ex to fuck right off.

I also would be telling him that he has to spend time with her on his own away from mils, if dd does not want to go there because mil is a bitch, don't let her go there!

Maryz unfortunately he has to collect her from school on Friday because I am at uni. Unless I get mum and dad to do it.

Oh and I'm generally pissed off with him this week because he is being obnoxious.

Had to go to his to collect some stuff, knocked on the door, he opened the door - he was on the phone - pointed with his toe to the stuff and waved at me.

I did the face and mouthed I need to talk to you

He shrugged.

And pointed with his toe again.

Eventually he came off the phone and I said "That was the height of bad manners the way you carried on that phone call. All you had to do was say can you hold on a minute and then say to me can you wait a sec."

he said - and no I am not joking - that was the height of bad manners the way you interrupted my important phone call.

He answered the bloody door!

Then he said "what do you want" and I said "what I actually want is xyz but you won't let me have that because your mother wanted it. I hope she's enjoying it."

And he slammed the door in my face

We are trying to share custody roughly 50/50 although it's slightly more in my favour iyswim?

But I am at uni doing a degree and if we move to a more standard access arrangement then I'm fucked for getting to uni. I can't do it and have the kids more full time iyswim?

And yes that makes me selfish. And boy do I know it.

"And yes that makes me selfish."

Erm.

It does?

How?