To think my XH is putting his mother before his daughter (again)

[imustbemadasaboxoffrogs]

Some of you will know the backstory - I'll try to keep this brief!

All through the almost 20 years we were married MIL came first. What she wanted in terms of visits or behaviours, she got. "No one ever says no to my Mother" etc etc

So, DD2 was at his the other night, had party invite for this Sat. He gets her to phone party child and accept invitation.

She comes to mine and is all excited about the party, except they have to dress up and she doesn't have a suitable outfit to fit the theme of the party.

So I phone XH since he will have her at the weekend and say "What have you done about the party? DD2 says you told her to talk to me"

Cue much emmmming and errrring and he then admits that he's just come off the phone to his mother who wants him to be there all day on Saturday (think 8am - 7pm) and he forgot about DD2 going to the party.

She is, apparently, going to have to come to terms with the fact that life does not revolve around her, he's made arrangements to go to his mother and she will have to get over it.

(I offered to take her, and drop her to his pm but that is ridiculous, she will have to just accept that she isn't going to the party)

So, AIBU to think mummykins is coming first before his own daughter?

Well, the uni thing DOES put a different light on it, I can see how difficult this must be.
I thought there HAD to be something to it, but I thought maybe you were scared of him, because surely telling him to piss off would be fitting here, after telling mil to do the same.

If your parents could step in, at least for a short while, until he gets the message that dd comes first, would that work?

I really don't know what to do.

Apparently I'm selfish because I am putting what I want to do first.

Which of course he is not. It's not the same

AND just had to go and buy DD1 a new hockey skirt. She came down last night and said I have a match on friday and granny washed my skirt and it's all WRONG mummy - basically it's one of those polyester skirts with permanent pleats? Is that what it's called?

I looked at the skirt and all the pleats were gone and when I felt it it felt all soft and "wrong".

Took it down to the dry cleaner to see if she could press the pleats back in and she said that it had been washed too hot and the skirt was basically buggered.

So I have just had to pay for a new skirt.

And yes you did read that right. XMIL does the washing.

Oh and for the record I told him before that XMIL slagging me off to the kids could be construed as emotional abuse of my children and if it didn't stop then I would go to court and stop her having any contact with them.

Can you tell I'm doing a law degree

That, however, would involve him standing up to the old bitch XMIL and he's never ever done that. Backbone is one thing he just doesn't have.

OMG! Imust - I think you are living my parallel life. My DH and MIL sound exactly like yours - don't mind me asking but were the sport & MIL issues connected to your decision to separate? I have refused to give my MIL the satisfaction so far but not sure how much longer I can keep it up.

As far as your problem goes - YADNBU - your DD wants to go to the party and accepted the invitation before nan's request came along. It would be more 'rude' (although obviously not your or her fault) to drop out after accepting, and your DH should realise that, especially if it's a party that's booked somewhere as the other child's parents have probably had to give numbers and pay for them in advance.

MrsLN - yes it was a part of it. He could never see that being with his family every single weekend when we had a busy family life was unacceptable and unfair. My parents lived far away at the time and we couldn't rely on them.

And XMIL totally lifted and laid him and pandered to him and I was the bad wife who expected him to do things like put his washing in the basket

And I didn't bring him up his breakfast every morning on a tray again

Also the sport - because it was cricket, and still is, it was and is every Saturday in the summer and a couple of nights a week training. I didn't get "allowed" to have the same amount of free time which irritated me.

There were loads of other issues as well though - he talked to me like I was beneath him and second class all the time, he treated me like someone he could order about, I had to do what I was "told". He was very passive aggressive - he's extremely intelligent and was very clever in seeming reasonalbe to outsiders and painting me in a bad light.

I've read the Lundy Bancroft book and he was and is a water torturer, which LB says is the hardest sort to deal with and he says (and I would say its true) that they make you doubt your own sanity.

He isolated me, I had no friends left. And in every situation where I disagreed with him I was ALWAYS wrong and a nutter and a headcase and abnormal. I was ALWAYS unreasonable. Even this case, he cannot see that what he's done is unfair and unreasonable and that he should be telling his Mum that he made a mistake.

But then that's the other thing. He is always right. He is perfect.

Feeling your pain, mustbe - hope you get it sorted