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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if you can encourage the growth of bollocks and maybe even a backbone

45 replies

ledkr · 25/01/2011 15:52

Dont flame me or ill go into labour Grin
Boring ongoing saga which some are aware of about pil inviting themselves to stay for weeks when baby comes Thursday (cs)no spare room,not helpfull,dont contribute whatsoever etc-all been said before by many.DH is incapable of standing up to them and it has caused a few rows.Finally he told them what we thought was acceptable ie,come for the weekend after baby born but only them,i was with him and reinforced this Yesterday he announced that his sis may come too ffs i have no room but thought i cant be bothered to argue and maybe she will mean they leave earlier on the sunday.He then casually announced that sil boyf might come too.Well i hit the roof (at last) and said no way.He is young lad i have met him once,the last thing i want is him sat around when im feeling like that.Dh shouted "stop going on about it" so i said right i wont,they can all go to a hotel and thats that.
Im so annoyed that they have all cast a bloody shadow on what should be a nice time.
What is it these days that people think its acceptable to descend on people post birth.They have made no effort to help me and only ring to speak to dh and im now expecting to be sleeping all over my lounge when im at my most vulnerable.

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BooBooGlass · 25/01/2011 15:53

I can't see how a pair of bollocks would help you tbh. You need to have a calm conversation wiht all involved and say they are more than welcome to stay in a few weeks time, but not right now. If they don't understand, they are being very unreasonable.

bubblewrapped · 25/01/2011 15:54

I would ring up MIL yourself and say its not on.

Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 15:54

sorry they will be sleeping all over my lounge.

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Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 15:55

my freinds all say ring her but i dont know if that will cause a rift and i havent got long to do it.I wanted to relax till Thursday not row.

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mackereltaitai · 25/01/2011 15:55

A few weeks? you have no spare room! where are they going to stay!? You are expected to be in the frigging lounge after major abdominal surgery? Are they for real?

So what has happened post-shout? Do you think dh/they will respect what you want?

mackereltaitai · 25/01/2011 15:57

OK I get the picture now.

I think ring MIL yourself. And cry.

has anyone in the family had a CS themselves? Or a child? I'm thinking none of them can have had a baby themselves?

Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 15:59

No sorry i will be in my bed but the only place for 3 blow ups is the lounge,nice when you want to get up and feed in the morning.
Post shout he says he understands but is so weird close to his family that i just know he wont do it.My mates say let them come and make them as uncomfortable as i can but who can be bothered with that.
It was planned for weeks but i have since aggreed to just the weekend.

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BendyBob · 25/01/2011 16:01

WTFShock Blimey why would anyone flame you? They all sound like they fancy a nice little holiday at your houseHmm. I'd be furious.

Time to put those pregnancy hormones to good use and say it out loud and clear; then let the lot of 'em (dh incl) pick the bones out of that...as my mum would say.

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2011 16:01

Completely unacceptable.

Your h really needs to man up IMO

thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 16:02

Phone her yourself - if it causes a rift, then DH can sort it out later.
HAve you seen SquareBobSpongePants' thread? Where she threw her "D"H's family out because of their extreme fuckwittedness? I'm not for one second suggesting that your DH would do what hers has, but the stress just after the baby was born was ridiculous - I'd say do it NOW, get the stress out the way NOW, and then you'll be able to do the nice bonding thing with your baby without any kind of nastiness/bad feeling because they are ignoring your Very Reasonable wishes.

I really can't bear these "men" who have no ability to stand up to their pushy families when it comes to respecting their wife's situation!!

BettyCash · 25/01/2011 16:02

I second the suggestion you cry down the phone at MIL. Beautiful! YANBU

DublinMammy · 25/01/2011 16:02

My in-laws came over from UK (we live in Dublin) BEFORE our son was born like some kind of fucking waiting committee despite being told not to - didn't want their expectant faces to be there before it all happened, felt really pissed off and pressured. Wanted to kill them. They are also from the school of sit-on-bum-waiting-to-be-looked-after. At least they weren't staying with us, and neither will yours now.

You have done the right thing, staying in a hotel is perfectly reasonable considering your lack of room etc. Don't let it cast a shadow, if you want it sorted give MIL a quick ring to say, would you like us to book you all rooms at Hotel Tiresome, it's just not possible for anyone to stay as we will be all over the place and want to get to know our new baby on our own.

Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 16:03

mil has 3 but labour was "fun and enjoyable,a nice pain"hmmmmm?They are a bit strange,cant seem to leave their kids alone which isd fine but the partners dont get considered at all.

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thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 16:04

Oh and tell them that since they can't stick to their side of the bargain (just parents for just the weekend) then you feel no compunction in going back on your agreement, as the terms have changed and you Did Not Agree to the new terms.

Frankly - I hope it puts them all off enough that they don't come at all - because I reckon once they have a foot in the door, they'll just overstay on the principle that you wouldn't dare to throw them out. Ha!

mackereltaitai · 25/01/2011 16:06

Well, so what if labour was an orgasmic laugh riot for her, you're having a different situation.

Lol at Hotel Tiresome.

Do you have an aparthotel near you? They are very nice for visiting families. At worst you can move in there while they infest your sitting room.

Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 16:09

dublinmammyyou made me laugh with the welcomng commitee.I want to kill mine to i feel like a fucking incubator,i have had a really hard pg and i know they live away but could have hoovered when down or something,they have not even bought a thing for the baby.I tried to get to know sil properly by sending texts and pictures of scans etc,she responded by texting or ringing dh "thats a nice picture"

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Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 16:12

Trust me when im not pg im a firey woman and will be carrying on with everyday life around them,but i just want to be with my baby and get better not point score.

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onehotmomma · 25/01/2011 16:12

I would tell them to piss right off. The last I would want to do after having a baby is looking after a load of people as well Hmm

Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 16:17

tbh if they still turn up and i think they will,my friend is picking me up and i am going to stay at hers.They can sit here feeling foolish then with no baby to see.That makes me laugh even to say.
I haved 2 grown ds's and they arent even expecting to stay.

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thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 16:17

If they do insist on coming, stay in your room. I know it could get a bit cabin-fevery, but if they actually have to look after themselves, they might fuck off again a bit quicker.

thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 16:17

sorry, x-posted there! Good plan.

Bunbaker · 25/01/2011 16:18

See if you can stay in hospital as long as you can. I'm not sure how long the stay is after a section, but I think 3 or 4 days is the norm. They will have to fend for themselves while you are being properly looked after.

Also, if they do descend on you don't put yourself out to make cups of tea/cook for them etc. You can get the midwife on your side as well, as she will be visiting you every day for about 10 days. If she feels that the family are making things uncomfortable perhaps she can intervene and tell them that you need to rest more.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 25/01/2011 16:18

Stick to your guns.
Tell DH he needs to ring them tonight and tell them they can't stay or you will do it tomorrow.
They can stay at a hotel near by if they feel they can't possibly wait to meet the new little one.
Tell him if they ignore you or are rude while they are there and he doesn't pull them up on it, you will.
Tell him if they do come and stay in a hotel they will still only be welcome for short periods of time as you and the baby will want/need to rest and you can't do that with them lolling around the house.

END OF - you are the one giving birth, not him. Tell him when he's had major surgery he can choose who stays and who doesn't :)

DublinMammy · 25/01/2011 16:33

Ledkr, going to your friend might be a great plan. When we came home from the hospital the welcoming committee came round at 10am the next day, trooped into our room where I was in bed with our new baby and sat around with their coffees, handing me presents and expecting me to open them and coo over them. I was so tired/confused/hormonal that I didn't know whether my instincts were right. Those instincts were to leap up (wincing) and scream "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BEDROOM - NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW". It was lucky I didn't trust my instincts but I did vow that when we have number 2, I am ringing the border police to have them held at the airport if they attempt to come over before they are invited. And I don't think that's unreasonable.

Original poster
ledkr · 25/01/2011 16:54

thats the thing with the hotel,it wont make much difference tbh.These are in laws who

1,drove 3 hr round trip to "visit us" on our holiday,2 days in a row.3rd day were coming so i opened wine at 11am telling dh i was no longer on my best behaviour.He rang and told them not to come.

2,came to our "us only"wedding on xmas eve.

3,stay untill 7 or later on a sunday after a weekend visit "waiting for dinner" when i cooked a roast at 2 and dd has school the next day and me work.

Thanks for all your responses it helps just to know im not mad or spitefull.

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