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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be slightly irked at my pg mate...

72 replies

purplepidjin · 25/01/2011 11:42

My mate is unexpectedly pregnant. She is keeping the baby, but has always said she is happy to be an auntie but didn't want to be a Mum. She's 3 months gone.

I have been crocheting booties etc - as much because I enjoy it as anything else - and, because I fancied sewing something the other day, made her a maternity top.

She is a bit offish about it, and suggested I ebay the top as she will make do with stretchy tshirts and leggings.

I'm planning on riding through it, because I think she is struggling to come to terms with the pregnancy. She knows and appreciates that I am here to support her through whatever happens.

AIBU to be privately a bit annoyed that she's not a bit more grateful??

OP posts:

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 25/01/2011 12:46

I fell unexpectedly PG at 39 - was very happy about it though it was intially a shock.
My sister gave me some baby stuff when I was 3 months & frankly I was totally freaked out by it. As happy as I was to be PG it still took a good few months for my head to get straight about it.

Don't assume just because she's going to keep the baby she's ready to get all mumsey & be interested in people knitting for her. She is quite likely to be in a very different head space from someone who has been TTC you know.

Knit away - but save the stuff until the baby's born, or at least until she's gone shopping for some stuff herself. I didn't buy anything for DD until I was at least 6 months PG. Give her abit of space.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 25/01/2011 12:49

re the maternity top - I'd make the same points. She might not be "there" in her head yet & certainly not in her body.

Original poster

purplepidjin · 25/01/2011 12:51

Lunatic, I am also doing that

Mommy and BOF, PM me if you're serious

Am still reading with interest, thank you

OP posts:

MommyMayhem · 25/01/2011 12:53

Will do purplepidjin

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 12:54

Do you think she may be struggling with this? Forgive her for being rude to you it sounds like she may be having trouble processing the fact that she is going to have a baby! Not wanting baby stuff/maternity stuff is sort of head-in-sand like, isn't it?

crystalglasses · 25/01/2011 12:55

How rude of the woman. Will she be as rude to people who give her presents of baby clothes when the time comes? Will she get any, with this attitude? As you sow so shall you reap, as they say.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 25/01/2011 12:58

Purple - I think she probably does need a bit more time to come to grips with being pregnant. She's making the blanket so maybe she's fine with the idea of the baby (or at least working on it!) but not so much with actually being pregnant and the changes it will make to her body. She probably sees herself in leggings and t-shirts with a lovely neat little bump and if she's lucky that's what she'll get - if it's not she might be asking you if you still have the top in a few months...

I think what you did was really lovely and I think she was rude to not just thank you and see if she needed it or not later on, but she's probably not really at her best right now... and maybe, if you think about it, she's like this all the time, you just haven't noticed!

MustAvBeenAGypsieInPastLives · 25/01/2011 13:02

"How rude of the woman. Will she be as rude to people who give her presents of baby clothes when the time comes? Will she get any, with this attitude? As you sow so shall you reap, as they say"

when the time comes, probably not!, but isn't that the point here?

Original poster

purplepidjin · 25/01/2011 13:04

Hec, I'm sure she is finding this difficult and we have discussed this, the same as we have discussed how baby would like only white hand-made stuff for the first six months of his/her life

Just to re-clarify, this thread is about my private feelings, not my attitude towards her. We have known each other a long time and both take a practical view of problems - as she is not terribly well off, making and/or donating maternity items is something I thought she would like. We are trying to meet to swim together at least once a week, to help her keep fit and healthy (making more of an effort to actually do it, we were trying to do it before)

Chippping yes, she can be a bit like it sometimes, I accept that she is very independent, as am I, and we like and respect that about each other I was very flattered to be trusted that she told me before the end of the first trimester!

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 13:16

white stuff? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, I know this is about your feelings. You come across as very supportive of her. Like I say, she's probably struggling to process impending motherhood.

I would advise her to think again about the whites though. Voice Of Experience.

Original poster

purplepidjin · 25/01/2011 13:28

Yes, my thoughts exactly, Hec!

Totally her decision, though - and one of the main reasons I'm going a bit "overboard" with the crochet; I'm not sure she realises quite how much stuff she'll need to keep bubba in white clean

Back later, have run out of the pretty fluffy wool and only have about 10 rows to do [grrrrrr]

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 13:32

Oh, I remember my first. You would not believe how I was! I must have changed my baby's outfit 10 times a day. More! Every time he threw up - and he was a projectile vomiter! - I changed his outfit.

When number 2 arrived he stayed in the same stuff until it was so crusty we couldn't bend him

WincyEtNightie · 25/01/2011 13:35

Hecate! Same here.

fatlazymummy · 25/01/2011 13:42

I never wore maternity clothes through my last 2 pregnancies, and I'm sure a lot of women don't nowadays. TBH I wouldn't really have wanted anyone to make me one either, although I would probably have said 'thanks' out of politeness. I'm not too keen on crochet and knitted baby clothes either.
I would guess she just has different ideas to you re clothes for herself and her baby.

zipzap · 25/01/2011 21:35

Would you have made her a top from your left over bit of fabric if she hadn't been pregnant?

Maybe she is OK about baby bootees because they are the sort of thing that people who like knitting seem to like knitting if you know what I mean, and a baby bootee is a baby bootee... whereas a thing called a 'maternity top' can sound very scary and the sort of thing that you would probably like to choose for yourself, especially if you are having first baby and not sure what to expect maternity clothes wise (or what your body is about to be like!)

Maybe if you had asked her if you would like you to make her a top for a bit later on when she gets a bit bigger bump or something she would have been quite pleased. Then she might have been able to say - would love a v-neck/no sleeves/long sleeves/whatever and had a bit of input into it. But to discover that someone has made you a maternity top and you have had no input and it is not like the ones that you are planning, I can see that would be a bit freaky and she might see it as a bit controlling (sorry - not suggesting that you were trying to be) or a bit like your mum buying you clothes when you were a teenager and wanted to go out and buy them yourself!

ChunkyBrewster · 25/01/2011 21:46

If it's the top showing on your profile, it's really nice! I like your clothes, I think they are great. Frankly, if someone told me they might just "ebay" something I made them, I'd be hurt. Fair enough, your friend is coming to grips with her pregnancy but there is no need to be rude! I had some things hand made for me when my DD came along and sure, weren't exactly to my taste but I really appreciated the time, effort and love people put into it!

Plus by the time I hit 9 months, I would have worn an old crips packet if it was lying by the road and I could have waddled into it.

Original poster

purplepidjin · 25/01/2011 22:40

zipzap, normal clothes are worn consistently for a long period of time. Maternity tshirts will most likely be worn once a week for 6-8 weeks so a bit more than a posh frock but nowhere near as much as regular tshirts. If she needed a posh frock and I was capable of making it, then yes I would do so. As a friend, I understand that she can't afford to replace her entire wardrobe with stuff she'll wear for 3 to 4 months at the absolute maximum. So, I made her something in a colour and style I knew she would if not like (I'm not as good a seamstress as Animal or TopShop...) then at least find acceptable for work for a short period of time. I am at least one size bigger than her and have also offered the loan of some things out of my wardrobe that I rarely wear and would accomodate her changing shape.

Chunky it actually has contrasting pink stitching, not sure you can see in the photo? But very very plain style, you can use brooches/flowers/scarves/whatever which are a more long-term investment to jazz these things up

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 25/01/2011 22:42

Hecate, sooooo true!

And believe me, when we got to ds4 it was worse again!

Oneof4 · 26/01/2011 06:04

It was a lovely thought and she should have been more diplomatic, but I do think maternity clothes are quite emotive - you are being forced (by your changing figure) to look different to normal and it's a very personal choice how you manage that. As earlier posters said, 12 weeks is really early.

Such a nice thing for you to do though.

LeroyJethroGibbs · 26/01/2011 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MaybeTomorrow · 26/01/2011 08:22

purplepidjin, I am quite shocked at some of the responses on here as my immediate thought on reading your OP was 'how rude' (about your friend).

Having read your subsequent post about the fact that her PG is currently the main topic of conversation and she, herself, is making a blanket, I'm thinking she's starting to come to terms with it so I think 'how rude' even more! I would also suspect that being a close friend, you know the sort of styles that she likes and wouldn't have made her a top that was hideous and that she wouldn't wear.

So YUDefinitelyNBU and I would have loved a friend as caring and thoughtful as you when I was PG.

I hope that everything goes well for her.

Indith · 26/01/2011 08:43

A friend of mine had an unplanned pregnancy. She was determined that it wouldn't change things, she would continue to wear her normal clothes and not get all frumpy.

A few months later I got a text along the lines of "oh my god maternity trousers are the most comfortable things in the world ever!"

TrillianAstra · 26/01/2011 08:46

at 'there's the blue line, bring on the frump

I understood and sympathise with the 'pregnant identity' thing. She used to be your friend, now she is yor pregnant friend, who you talk to about pregnant things and give pregnant gifts.

She wasn't very polite, but it's understandable. Give her some time.

TrillianAstra · 26/01/2011 08:49

You do sound like a lovely friend by the way :)

TheEvilDead2 · 26/01/2011 08:59

YANBU basic manners i'd have thought. I'm suprised so many people think its ok to be rude about gifts.

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