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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

over ds's 1st birthday?

43 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 25/01/2011 09:38

DS is 1 today Smile.

I did go slightly over the top for dds first birthday (now 5) but I was young and stupid and she was my PFB. I've learned alot of lessons.

Myself and DH decided not to have a party for ds mainly because:

Hes 1 and isnt going to enjoy it/ have a clue whats going on so really a party would be for us more than him if that makes sense.

Both DC arent feeling the best with a nasty cold.

Up until last night, I was supposed to be working today until 5.30 so didnt think Id have the time (am off for a few days annual leave now). Also, probably selfishly, I thought Id be too wrecked as I was in Uni until after 11pm last night (am studying for degree 2 nights a week). Im also almost 6 months pregnant with dc3.

Its probably the only year Ill get away with not having a party for him!.

We dont have much money and are trying to save for new baby.

We do have quite big parties, bouncing castle in garden, loads of food, friends and family over for the day - but shes 5 in all fairness.

DH and I decided that we would have something small at home this evening at about 6. We ordered a beautiful cake to be made for him and just bought a packet of baloons (because he loves them). We didnt invite anyone, get into inviting little cousins etc from either side (as thought it would be too close to bed time for the little ones anyway) but we are a very close family, with people popping in and out for a cuppa constantly and my granny and 2 aunts are coming up, my 3 (teenage) cousins (who adore him) and DH's parents.

Cake. Cup of tea. Sing happy birthday. Open his presents (well dd will). Bed.

I thought this was fine.

My cousin, whos ds's Godmother and whos 2 boys are small and very close to my 2 texts me (obviously accidently- presumably meant for her mother, I would imagine).

"How fucking miserable and selfish is she? the poor little mite, you'd think they would be marking his 1st one a bit better". Sad

Im really upset. Granted Im pregnant and possibly over sensitive but Im having a hard few days (although in fairness shes not aware) and this has really, really hurt me. She was kind enough to drop up some presents for him the other day, which I rang and thanked her for and I thought all was fine.

She had an absolute massive "do" for her ds's 1st birthday but its in the middle of the summer and was garden party type thing.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 25/01/2011 09:42

YANBU to be upset - your plans for ds' birthday sound lovely. One year olds don't get birthday parties do they.

LisaD1 · 25/01/2011 09:42

YANBU for all your reasons above. 1yr olds imo do not need parties and they are purely for the parents.

I would call your cousin and let her know she sent the text to you by mistake!

You do not have to justify your decision to her.

mnistooaddictive · 25/01/2011 09:43

YANBU There is no point to a 1st birthday party. They don't undertsand or remember and are quite often overawed by the whole thing.
Anyone who pends loads of money on a first birthday has more money than sense IMHO.

tabulahrasa · 25/01/2011 09:44

My DS's 1st birthday consisted of me, him and a victoria sponge - can't say he's been scarred for life by it, lol (he's 14, he doesn't remember it)

mutznutz · 25/01/2011 09:45

I'd answer the text and tell her exactly what I thought of the interfering mare Angry

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 25/01/2011 09:45

YANBU! More fool her quite frankly! I always thought 1st birthdays were for the parents to breathe a huge sigh of relief at having survived the exhaustion joys of the first year.

Plumm · 25/01/2011 09:47

YANBU for all the reasons you mention. Send her a text and tell her exactly what you think - what business is it of hers anyway?

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 25/01/2011 09:50

Oh thank you all so much. I wasnt sure if I was being slightly mean, not having her dc up for a party maybe.

I would love to text back but am such an idiot these days feel sick at the thoughts. I wonder has she noticed yet..

OP posts:
McHobbes · 25/01/2011 09:51

You are not being mean.

Big 1st parties are a waste of time. I have three kids and all of mine had the same on their 1st. Balloons, a modest gift, birthday tea and a cake. Nice and simple.

PlanetLizard · 25/01/2011 09:55

YANBU. Your celebrations sound lovely.

Agree with LisaD1, say that you seem to have received the text by mistake and that your DS had a great birthday, thanks!

She should be embarrassed and apologise. But if she tries to justify herself, say you are the one in the position to decide what is best for your family, and you'd rather she didn't make negative comments about you.

GMajor7 · 25/01/2011 09:56

We are taking DD to the zoo for her 1st birtday later this week! Parties are for showing off imo.

CrapBag · 25/01/2011 09:58

YADNBU!!!!

What a horrible text. I would make her well aware that you have received it.

What you have planned sounds like a lovely first birthday. We just had a couple of friends and a few family around with some food, cake and balloons for DS's first. It was mainly so I could get to know the other mums at toddler group a bit more and it worked. The children just played with toys and the balloons and had a great time.

hotbot · 25/01/2011 09:59

Sounds a lovely party, we had a 1 party for dd cos we felt it was teh done thing BUT it was just as yours is now - few balloons disastrous looking homemade cake etc and now we have done the same for ds. It was nice having gps round for a cuppa and a chat - dont sweat it, enjoy your birthday tea.
xx

NestaFiesta · 25/01/2011 10:01

YANBU. We did exactly the same for DS2. He had a birthday cake at home, but no party, and anyone who dropped by got offered some. We sang Happy Birthday and he went to bed at the usual time. It was very special to us and we have some lovely photos, but it was just us at home.

You should let your cousin know that you got the text and you are upset by it. She was wrong and she needs to say sorry. Just because you do things differently to her doesn't mean you're wrong. In fact, it all sounds just perfect.

mendipgirl · 25/01/2011 10:03

YANBU. I had a very small party for DDs 1st, just family (grandparents etc.)and a cake balloons and presents and for her 2nd we went to the zoo. I think there will be enough pressure to have parties when she is at school so am not planning to do any big parties until I have to and she is asking for them. Friends of mine has big parties every year but this is because they like doing them, which is fine for them. I'm not sure the babies/toddlers are that bothered.

It's a bit worrying if competetive partying starts at 1 isn't it, what is going to be like when they are at school???

stealthsquiggle · 25/01/2011 10:05

YANBU.

1st birthday parties are for the benefit of adults (and possibly siblings) - your DS had, I am sure, far more fun with what you did (which sounds laid back and lovely and not at all as if you were not marking his birthday) than he would have done if you were all stressed out trying to arrange a big "do"

KnowNothing · 25/01/2011 10:06

Of course YANBU. Your celebration sounds lovely. As others have said, iiwy I would contact cousin and tell her it upset you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BARBIELOVESKEN'S DS!!!

Its my son's birthday today too. Great day for a birthday Grin and when they are older they can have Burns Night Birthdays [bgrin]

Bucharest · 25/01/2011 10:08

YANBU.

1st birthday parties are a waste of time for everybody. They are just photo opportunities and by God, we get enough of those.

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 25/01/2011 10:14

Thanks again all. Am feeling so much better. Knownothing happy birthday to your ds too Grin - how old is he?

OP posts:
tulpe · 25/01/2011 10:14

YANBU

Your plans sound lovely. He won't remember but you will and IMO it is better to do something like this where you are not running around after everyone else but able to focus on DS - which is the point of the exercise, surely? :)

As for not inviting her DCs. This whole party scenario bugs the crap out of me. My DCs get invited to a fair few parties but when it comes to their own birthdays they just want us and a couple of friends. Am sure some parents bristle at lack of invite but it is what DCs and we want that counts.

She has been incredibly offensive in that text. I would be tempted to take the higher ground and call her - simply stating calmly that she has really upset you. Be interesting to hear her defence Hmm

deepheat · 25/01/2011 10:20

YANBU. Stupid text from one of the 'our children are our God' brigade. I love DD to bits but 1st birthday was a very quiet affair. Don't think she even had cake tbh.

I'd let your cousin know you received the text and ask her to explain clearly and concisely why your DS is a "poor little mite."

Was accused of being stingy by a relative recently because DD's Christmas present was no more than a new doll and a secondhand ty pram to push it around in. She loves it. Actully told said relative that I was a great deal more concerned by what DD thought than what she thought. Then mentioned that at the age of 18 months DD also generally makes more sense as well.

jeanvaljean · 25/01/2011 10:24

YANBU. You did a great birthday tailored perfectly for his age and he could probably appreciate it more than a huge do with tonnes of people and noise.

Parents go over the top for first birthdays and it's really not for the child at all but for themselves. Your cousin is an idiot Grin

RMCW · 25/01/2011 10:25

YANBU to be upset.

We had a big party for ds1's 1st b day (complete with b day made by me!!) but he is a summer baby and my PFB and frankly, I didnt know any better! Grin

ds2s 1st birthday was a bit more low key (with a shop bought cake!) although I did do food and invite family round but tbh it was a bit much for him.

I would also text back and say:
"I am not sure that text was meant for me"
and see what she does/says....

GrimmaTheNome · 25/01/2011 10:27

YANBU

I don't know of any 1 year old who had a party.

IMO 2nd birthday parties aren't necessary either, just do something nice with the DC that they want to do.

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 25/01/2011 10:30

deepheat, its a good point - I am really offended that anyone would think of our ds as a "poor little mite" Hmm.

I know you are all right, I would love to ring her and ask her and wish, at times like this I could just act like a grown up and be more assertive but am feeling so delicate and not able for confrontation right now. DH will be fuming though, am sure he will say something.

Think maybe will text like RMCW says, because Im going to have to acknowledge it. Shes not stupid and is going to notice what she did.

OP posts:
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