To be feeling more and more like shit every day.

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

Im going though the motions. Im shit. Im a freaky deformed person that cant do normal things. I try to put on a happy face and laugh and joke about myself but im getting nearer to fucking operation day and I cant hold it together much longer.

I'll be going through 10 hours of pain and God knows how many weeks of recovery just to be no different.

I have scoliosis. It's progressive. They are going to fuse it to stop it getting worse. they cant repair it though because of how my spinal cord has twisted.

I should be 5' 6" and im 5' 2" But I have the legs, these stupid ridiculously long legs and tiny little body. Like one of those childrens match-it puzzles with the wrong pieces in it.

I'm just a freak, I dont know why I bother. there's no point to me.

ABF - sorry to hear that you are feeling . Everyone else has said it much better than me - but I just wanted to say you are lovely and have helped me with your posts and wise words and wicked sense of humour on the postnatal thread many more times than you probably realise. There is definitely a point to you!

your age? you daft cow, you're only in your 30's.

You would of been 11. Doable, I suppose. But not advisable.

Oi! Piss orf, this is my feeling sorry for myself thread not yours dont make me feel all guilty for you feeling all old and decrepit.

One day ABF, you too will be that old and decrepit

Of course you're scared, but op will make you better. Focus on that.

And you're very beautiful.

I had two reconstructive ops (one internal and one external) after DS's forceps delivery tore me to shreds. I felt like a freak because I couldn't even contemplate the thought of having sex with DH, and was in pain almost every day. I might have looked normal on the outside but felt like a useless human being a lot, a woman in name only because everything that made me female (except the boobies) was making me miserable.

I dreaded and hoped for Op Day to come, was hopeful and dreading the pain of recovery at the same time.

I have some idea how you feel.

You are not shit. You are not useless. I've read your posts on here and think you're great. You're probably a bit depressed - who wouldn't be, after so much pain and anxiety? It's well known that dealing with chronic pain and soldiering on to get through your daily life depletes the brain of serotonin and norepinephrine, leading to depression. Maybe a short course of ADs wouldn't go amiss - the right one can make a huge difference. And you will need all available energy to put into your recovery.

Are you having Harrington spinal rods put in to straighten your scoliosis? Will they be taking out fused ribs to take pressure off your cardiovascular/ respiratory system?
Spinal surgery is a huge big deal (understatement of the century), of course you're frightened. But you might regain an inch or perhaps even two in torso height, which will improve torso:legs ratio. Other people most likely won't notice (just as they most likely don't notice what you see as a huge discrepancy) but you'll feel better.

Have a massive ((((((((HUG)))))))))). Come back for more if you need them. xxJM

I hope my dd hasn't contributed to you feeling shit by going on about height. She's not going on at you personally, now she's reached adult height she's obsessed with being taller than people and compares height with everyone. She doesn't see you as any different from anyone else.
I'm sorry you're feeling shitty.

Ferret, I hope the op goes well and gives you some respite. I think from the other replies as well as my opinion that you are a valued person, so please spend 5 minutes reflecting on the fact that you have so many people praising you. Not many people can do this so you are a very special person.

DG, Dont worry, her comments didnt bother me, im used to her abuse

Jacksmama. I'll be having 8 ribs shortened and have been told that it will effect my lung capacity. Not too sure if they are actually removing any.

Im having rods in, they are not straightening it though, just fusing the curve in place using bone from the ribs they've shortened.

Jim Rose would probably give you a job!

You are a goddess as all women are, big love for the recovery xx

ABF! We love you.

I also very much adore mybeloved aunt(ish relative) with scolliosis. She's not a freak and neither are you. You are amazing.

Don't know anything about the scoliosis but speaking as someone just emerging from depression, you sound like you need to speak to someone - go and see your GP, they may be able to ease any concerns about the op or just help you manage the depression.
I understand your feeelings, I have felt them myself albeit for different reasons but their is help available.
If you cannot get counselling via GP some churches have access to counselling services (non religious - honest)that can just provide you with someone to talk through your concerns with.
Please find someone to talk to - noone deserves to feel like this.

ABF, I hope you are feeling a bit brighter today.

When is your op day btw?

I have two cousins with it- one was so badly affected he wasn't expected to be born alive. Now at the age of 25 and 4ft 3, he coaches a kids football team and gets pissed every weekend out with his mates. His eldest sister had rods put in twice in her teens, she's as normal as anyone in our family can be.

Surgery will make a huge difference to you, and you know where we all are. I certainly wish you an uncomplicated recovery.

Thanks SNF. Been to work today so im full of the jollyness of retail.

My op day is 1st March.

ABF. I am a bit of an MN lurker but your thread has prompted me to join finally, so I could post. I have scoliosis and totally understand the issues around body image, feeling abnormal etc. I did have surgery when I was 14, which rather alarmingly is 20 years ago now, but I remember the anxiety very clearly, and all the negative thoughts that go with it. Just wanted to say that I'd be happy to talk about it more if it would be useful to you. And btw, you're not shit, or freaky, clearly