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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to scream get a life at my MIL?

40 replies

feeimcgee · 24/01/2011 17:53

MIL is lovely, really helpful with the kids and a really nice person. But I get so irritated with her overbearing way with DH and the kids.
For example - she doesn't work, and spends most of her time shopping for the GCs. She arrived at ours at the weekend with a bag of new toys and clothes for my two. This annoyed me - but I didn't say anything to her - because it's only a month since they got loads at Christmas. My DH says just to ignore it, and I wish I could. She is constantly buying new toys for her house for the kids - there are more there than at mine.
DH is going on a ski trip with work (I know!) for a long weekend soon, it's his first time skiing. MIL arrived with bags of clothes she has borrowed for it - including thermal underwear - and talked non-stop about what he'll need for the trip for about two hours. She was saying things like "my friend's just been skiing, I'll ask her what the weather's like". He is 35 and clearly capable of finding these things out for herself.
I just wish that she would ease back a bit with the gifts. At Xmas, she even bought DD the same Jasmine doll she had got her at panto 2 weeks before, and couldn't understand what was odd about this.
I know that I sound unreasonable, so am just looking for advice to help me to get over myself!

OP posts:
Tortington · 24/01/2011 17:54

i think distance is the key here.

MrSpoc · 24/01/2011 17:56

Sorry but she sounds great. you could do much worse, and if your husband has never skiied before, i bet she may advice him of something that he would nver of thought about like sun cream.

MadamDeathstare · 24/01/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblewrapped · 24/01/2011 17:56

She obviously loves her son and grandchildren very much. Having read some of the threads on here about how dreadful some grandparents are, maybe you should just be thankful you have a MIL who loves you all.

curlymama · 24/01/2011 17:57

Normally with overbearing Mil's, my advice is to tell them to bugger off, but your's doesn't sound like she is doing much harm. She obviously doesn't have much of a life, and if you told her to back off she would be devestated.

Let her get on with it. AS your dc get older you can make a joke out of it with them, while teaching them to be polite of course, but tell them that they don't need two of the same thing so any duplicates can be saved for birthday presents or charity.

earthworm · 24/01/2011 17:58

Haven't you got anything else to worry about?

You do know that you are essentially moaning about someone loving and caring about your family don't you?

diddl · 24/01/2011 17:58

Well, she´ll keep doing this until someone tells her to back off.

Perhaps your husband needs to tell her that he is an adult & can sort himself out?

(Only child by any chance?)

Perhaps there´s an activity she could do every week with the children-swimming, park or have them to tea?

She obviously wants to be involved with them.

Does she feel uncomfortable if she turns up empty handed or are the presents an excuse to come round?

pommedeterre · 24/01/2011 17:58

It is hard though when MIL has nothing but your family in her life though (I know how this feels!). Your MIL does however seem to accept her 'grandmother' role within the family though (or so it seems from your short post). She doesn't seem like she's overbearing in a taking over way?Maybe you could just hide some of the toys once she's gone and doll them out more sparingly?

diddl · 24/01/2011 18:01

Oh yes, she does sound lovely btw.

Even though my mum worked & "had a life", her GC were always uppermost in her mind.

If we´d lived close by, chances are PIL & my parents would have seen the GC everyday if possible!

Original poster
feeimcgee · 24/01/2011 18:05

Thanks everyone, it's good to get other points of view! Yes, she is a lovely woman, not sad or lonely at all. Yes, earthworm, you are right, she is loving and caring. Of course I have got other things to worry about!
Thanks to you all for putting it into perspective for me Smile

OP posts:
supersewer · 24/01/2011 18:14

I think we have the same MIL, thankfully I live 2 hours away.
If we go to family wedding or gathering she gets Dad to "do a map" for DH or tries to travel in convoy (did I mention we live 2 hours apart!!!)
Kides are spoilt rotton by her and I am the big bad to try any discipline.

Move away now!!!

PlanetLizard · 24/01/2011 18:18

How about asking for her help in decluttering the toy cupboard?

GrannyMo · 24/01/2011 18:18

My MIL bought almost same thing for DD's 2nd Xmas that she knew Santa was bringing in the morning. Produced it on Xmas Eve too. Shock Fortunately DD was quite little and too wrapped up in Santa coming to notice. We put MIL's away for another day. And so it continued until we impressed on the kids that their Wish list for Xmas was a secret between them and Santa.

Found out MIL's mum would buy wee things for her grandchildren too - though not to the same extent. I'd say my MIL was trying to do the same but forgetting to ask if we'd already bought whatever item.

With this history, I really try not to overdo it with my own grandkids. Confess to having a room set aside for play and sleepovers with toys and books from their mum's childhood. But I ask what the parents would like me to buy for Xmas and birthdays rather than second guess.

PS Life Lesson - What I have learned is that there is no right way to deal with a MIL that's driving you up the wall but there are more wrong ways than you can count on both hands. Grin

Mssoul · 24/01/2011 18:30

She sounds sweet, but I can see how it could be suffocating. My mil can be the same - sometimes I think she is trying to 'out-Mum' me, but she isn't really, she just loves us esp dp and the kids and wants to spend time with us/get things for us.

Why don't you save the money you would spend on toys/clothes, let her buy them and get her a nice gift? A laptop, maybe, and introduce her to the internet (but not mumsnet or you might recognise yourself in a my DIL is so ungrateful thread Wink) and you'll never see her again cos she'll be to busy online?! Grin

Mssoul · 24/01/2011 18:31

too

LadyOfTheManor · 24/01/2011 18:32

Where do I sign up to get her?

ohanotherone · 24/01/2011 18:32

I know it's a bit too much, but I don't have any help from my mum or MIL. I would love a tiny bit of help just sometimes. Please send her around.

cheekyseamonkey · 24/01/2011 18:33

YANBU - I understand. It might sound sweet, but it's totally overbearing. Sympathy, and if you work out how to stop it call me on 077.....lol!

MsKLo · 24/01/2011 18:38

OP
It's all very well for people here to say she is lovely but if you feel suffocated - and I get why - you need to do something about it. Try a bit of distance? She needs to find other things in her life and maybe explain to her that too many toys is worrying you as you don't want the kids to be overspoilt?

DurhamDurham · 24/01/2011 18:39

It might be annoying but stop and think how much worse it would be if she just didn't care. Or if she had dementia like my mil.She doesn't even recognise my children anymore Sad

Original poster
feeimcgee · 25/01/2011 13:54

Oh no DurhamDurham, that's awful, I'm so sorry about your MIL. And I can completely sympathise with the others who don't have a helpful MIL. I have tried explaining to her before about too many things, not enough room, etc, but she always has an excuse. SOmetimes I do feel pushed out, but I do know that she's not trying to replace me.
Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
swanandduck · 25/01/2011 13:59

She's just being part of the family. It's sad the way parents nowadays are made to feel they have to stay in the background when their children get married and not annoy anyone or interfere. Like the family is just one tight knit little group and anyone else should butt out. Life usen't to be like that, grannies and grandads were allowed get involved and be part of things.

diddl · 25/01/2011 16:13

"and not annoy anyone or interfere."

I don´t see why they should annoy or interfere just because they gave birth to your partner.

My Mums mum had an argument with my dad about where he was hanging a mirror in their house-not hersConfused

NanaNina · 25/01/2011 16:31

I am a MIL and a g/mother (and mother of course) and I love to buy things for my g/chdrn - it makes me feel closer to them, but I don't go overboard, and one of the three families (I have 3 sons) have way too many toys so we give money for their bank accounts, and little things to give them as a surprise. SO I understand your MIL and I have been lucky enough to have 2 dils who have been fine about the clothes (especially one - I have bought more or less all my g/dtrs clothes since she was born) and they have no problem. The problem now is g/d is getting choosy so it will have to stop!

I still find myself looking longingly at the clothes in the shops all the g/chrn have grown out of. Thing was I didn't have much money when my own kids were small so couldn't buy them so much, and anyway over 40 years ago there wasn't all the clothes and toys about. Now I do have more money (but far from rich) I love buying clothes and little books and toys. It's my reason for shopping trips too! Mind I love clothes myself.

pranma · 25/01/2011 16:40

I'm with you Nana.I do try to restrain myself besause my ds-i-l hates me giving dgc lots of stuff except at christmas and bdays so I stockpile-anything I really want to buy for them I get it and put it away for a suitable occasion or give it at our house.I can usually get away with socks or sticker books/colouring books and that helps a little.My wardrobe drawers are bulging with 'stuff' Blush