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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to scream get a life at my MIL?

40 replies

feeimcgee · 24/01/2011 17:53

MIL is lovely, really helpful with the kids and a really nice person. But I get so irritated with her overbearing way with DH and the kids.
For example - she doesn't work, and spends most of her time shopping for the GCs. She arrived at ours at the weekend with a bag of new toys and clothes for my two. This annoyed me - but I didn't say anything to her - because it's only a month since they got loads at Christmas. My DH says just to ignore it, and I wish I could. She is constantly buying new toys for her house for the kids - there are more there than at mine.
DH is going on a ski trip with work (I know!) for a long weekend soon, it's his first time skiing. MIL arrived with bags of clothes she has borrowed for it - including thermal underwear - and talked non-stop about what he'll need for the trip for about two hours. She was saying things like "my friend's just been skiing, I'll ask her what the weather's like". He is 35 and clearly capable of finding these things out for herself.
I just wish that she would ease back a bit with the gifts. At Xmas, she even bought DD the same Jasmine doll she had got her at panto 2 weeks before, and couldn't understand what was odd about this.
I know that I sound unreasonable, so am just looking for advice to help me to get over myself!

OP posts:

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 16:45

Understand it must be annoying but at least her intentions seem good.

Can you tell her (nicely!) that you are really struggling to keep up with storing so much stuff - or maybe lie tell her the kids are starting to act spoilt - make it clear that it's bad for them to have too much.

Maybe if she wants to make them happy and spend money on them, she would like to pay for some activities? Ballet class or something? That would surely make more difference to DD than more toys, you can manipulate persuade her by saying how good it is for their health, self esteem etc...

Popbiscuit · 25/01/2011 16:57

Freudian; that's a great idea asking them to contribute to activities. We did this with my PIL (just like the OP's) and they are now happy to do this instead of dropping off more junk toys. You could subtly drop into a conversation how expensive children's activities are or just come right out and ask them.

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 17:05

I'm lucky in that I can say that sort of thing outright to my parents! Not that they outrageously spoil my DCs - just the odd book and clothes mostly. They usually just ask what we'd like them to get for presents and they'd be just as happy to pay for classes. Starting our first tomorrow, baby signing with DS :)

JamieLeeCurtis · 25/01/2011 17:10

She does sound lovely, but also maybe a bit suffocating. But I don't think you should be affronted, just indulge her.

But I am struck by the fact that she bought the same doll twice - did she realise? Had she forgotten or did she do it on purpose?

DeidreBarlow · 25/01/2011 17:17

She sounds a bit like my MIL used to be. She did my bloody nut in at times. One time I told her in no uncertain terms to 'calm it down'. On another occasion DH 'had a word'. Yes she improved slightly but she was still full most of the time with all her GC.

She died last year and tbh I would give anything to have her back in the DC's lives and annoying me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is yes it is bloody frustrating but it sounds like her heart is in the right place. All you can do is keep having a word with her. A wise MNer once asked me if I would have been as irritated by that behaviour if it was my own mum. The answer 'no probably not'. Sometimes MIL's do things different to what you are used to but I'm certain she means well.

Sexonlegs · 25/01/2011 17:21

Sorry, but I am with the OP here.

My mil is exactly the same. She has turned one of the bedrooms in their house in to dd1's room, has tonnes of toys at her house and always brings yet more tat when they visit.

I know she means well, but it does my head in. She works, but has no other interests outside work.

I know I should be grateful, and I am to an extent, but I think she is obsessive.

swanandduck · 26/01/2011 11:01

One of the reasons grandparents love buying stuff for their DGCs is because when their own children were young money was really tight. I can understand people feeling a bit frustrated at having to find somewhere to store the stuff but some of the resentment on here seems very unfair to me (as does calling lovingly bought presents 'junk' and 'tat'.

Diddl my remark about 'not interfering or annoying' meant being made to feel that way over small little things.

JamieLeeCurtis · 26/01/2011 11:30

swanandduck - you are quite right. I know that's the case with my parents.

Forgive my overly-analytical mind, though, but there are (and I don't know if the OP's MIL is one) some people for whom buying things seems to be quite compulsive - which is why I asked about her buying the same thing twice. Maybe the OP has picked up on this aspect of it. Her obsession with the GC and buying them things might be a sign of loneliness or anxiety. Which of course needs understanding.

JamieLeeCurtis · 26/01/2011 11:33

sorry - I see earlier on the OP says MIL is not lonely

Ephiny · 26/01/2011 12:55

I would say never live within casual visiting/day trip distance of parents. We live a good distance from mine fortunately but are a bit too close to DPs for my liking. Have a feeling I'm going to be fending them off with a stick if/when we finally manage to produce a grandchild! Does she just turn up uninvited at your house? If so that needs to stop! Agree with your DH how often you're happy to visit/be visited by her, e.g. every couple of months, and stick to it.

I think she needs some friends/hobbies/interests of her own and to let go of her adult son and his new family.

swanandduck · 26/01/2011 12:59

I cannot believe that a grandmother who obviously adores her grandchildren would be told to only call around by invitation every couple of months or so. Good lord. I can't wait until some of you become grandparents.

redrollers · 26/01/2011 13:09

this is really difficult, I have the same issue with my own mother.
you just have to talk to her, but very gently I think.
It's difficult to point out that someone is doing something you don't like even though that things is usually considered a good thing
let me know what you do, I am going to try and tackle my mum at the weekend.

Ephiny · 26/01/2011 13:38

Well when I was growing up we saw grandparents once a year (e.g. at Christmas), maybe twice, otherwise we just got birthday cards in the post and occasionally were made to talk to them on the phone - so that's what seems normal to me! I have a similar level of contact with my own parents now, which suits me fine. They have lives of their own, and so do I.

And it's just good manners not to turn up uninvited, family or not (though just assuming the OPs MIL does this, she might not to be fair to her!)

swanandduck · 26/01/2011 13:51

But surely it depends on how close they live? One of my grandmothers lived very near me and was always in and out or we would walk up to her to see her. I could not imagine my mother announcing that she was only to call in once a month at a prearranged time. The others lived across the city and we would have seen them at least once a fortnight.
I don't think, when your kids get married, they cease to be an important part of your family. I would find that very sad, for me and them.

swanandduck · 26/01/2011 13:52

By 'others' I mean other set of grandparents.

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