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AIBU?

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Original poster

That my daughter seems different to her peers

35 replies

Greenapples1 · 24/01/2011 00:36

My daughter is 13 and seems really quite different to the other girls in her class. They all seem obsessed by friends, boyfriends, texting, fashion, piercings etc. She's not a prude and likes nice clothes trendy haircut etc but just doesn't seem to fit in that well. I don't think she's that confident. Should I be worried or will she just get there in her own time? She's more of an outdoor type, quite sporty works hard. She heard someone call her a nerd. She'd be quite happy with playing 'it' or group playground games but she'd be laughed out of town for suggesting it. The other girls seem to be a lot more grown up than her.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 24/01/2011 00:40

She sounds very normal and well adjusted. If she is happy then I wouldnt worry about it.

I would say be thankful she is still innocent!

researchinmotion · 24/01/2011 00:44

I used to think this about my DD (14). Then she very quickly caught up.

Now I'm wishing she had stayed a innocent a bit longer.

Everything's such a drama these days. Hair, make up,boys,texting.Hmm

I swear I have to surgically remove her from the straighteners/mirror/laptop when it all gets a bit too much!

Pan · 24/01/2011 00:45

has she always been like this?

manicbmc · 24/01/2011 00:46

Be glad that she is her own person. Hopefully she's less likely to fall into peer pressure etc. Smile

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 00:48

I have a 'young' and slightly naive DD (age 11).

It's sad that they can't be childlike anymore at school seemingly. I feel very sad for DD's like ours who would be laughed at for suggesting 'play' as opposed to texting and endlessly photographing themselves in high make up and posting on fb at the first opportunity.

I don't want DD in pinafore dresses and bunches but why would I want her tarted up and boy focused at such a young age. There's plenty of time for angst over boys and appearance so now isn't the time to start.

Is your DD at a school where individuality is encouraged and respected, and if not would you consider doing anything about this?

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 00:49

DDS not DD's

madhattershouse · 24/01/2011 00:55

You should be grateful! The longer a child can stay a child the better! There is so much pressure on kids to grow up fast, it's nice to hear of those that buck the trend. Grown up life is not all that..help her enjoy being young before life and all it's realities takes over. Being different is not always bad ( I have always been seen as anti-normal) she should be true to herself..it gets greater respect in the long run!

mutznutz · 24/01/2011 00:58

She sounds lovely Smile

She might want to take a tip from my 11yr old though.

When he gets called a Nerd he smiles and says "Be nice to Nerds, the chances are you'll end up working for us one day" Wink

That always gives 'em a good chuckle Grin

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 01:03

mutz, did your DS come up with that blinding retort himself? I am seriously impressed. He sounds like the kind of 'nerd' women like to fancy (when they are older of course!!) :)

Original poster
Greenapples1 · 24/01/2011 01:03

Thanks for your quick replies, Pan not quite sure what you mean. Hobbgoblin thanks for all of that. That's exactly how I feel. I honestly feel at times like I'm doing something wrong and that shes the odd one out. But I know in my heart that she's much more appropriate for her age than a lot of the other girls. It's hard to trust my own gut feelings about whats right for her. The school do seem to promote individuality but it's always different between the children than what the teachers say or the school promotes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenapples1 · 24/01/2011 01:06

Thanks Mutz. Your DS sounds brilliant. I'll have to tell her that one.

OP posts:
Pan · 24/01/2011 01:13

I'm speculating on something called Highly Sensitive Children. It's come up on MN previously and my dd is such. Do please google it and you will find a sort of 'check list' - it isn't a 'condition' at all - it is just behvioural observations that mean the yare things like very careful, seem to lack confidence but they are actually happy within themselves. Feel injustices quite acutely, and often struggle with change (hence a bit hestitant about 'growing up'.) They just need approaching a bit differently. Equal across genders and no indication of 'intelligence' levels. Just in their nature. And they are often v. sweet natured. And follow on from one or both parents!

Pan · 24/01/2011 01:14

of course I may be wide with your dd, if so ignore all above.Smile

Pan · 24/01/2011 01:18

if you do see anything in the above, then pm me if you wish.

I am giving MN a bit of a break for a while, but will check in to pick up any message if you wish to.

night.

whiteflame · 24/01/2011 01:21

Well I think your DD sounds more grown up than her peers in many ways - I was considered 'young' when I was her age. I never 'caught up' to my peers in terms of wasting time on boy angst etc. I was already way ahead of them, thank god!!

tallwivglasses · 24/01/2011 01:22

That makes sense, Pan. My friend's dd sounds a bit like yours, Greenapples. She's unique - and lovely.

donkeyderby · 24/01/2011 05:35

I used to worry about DD because she was a bit nerdy and not like the 'crowd' and not able to pretend to be like the crowd. She's done well and she's got a good group of friends but secondary school was tricky at times because a lot of teenage kids are obsessed with looking and behaving the same and come down heavy on those who don't. How fantastic that at 13 your DD doesn't feel obliged to be into piercings and boys. It worries me that kids like your daughter are somehow seen as wrong and different rather than the interesting, strong minded individuals they obviously are

Andre1960 · 24/01/2011 07:15

OP: Your daughter sounds absolutely fantastic to me. She's only 13, which is (or should be) an age when girls can still be girls (see Mumsnet campaign on this issue!).

She's got exactly the right interests and priorities and it's wonderful that she has the courage to resist being distracted from those. That's a very good sign.

As for her being prudish and not all that concerned with her appearance: I consider this to be the reticence and modesty appropriate to her age.

My own daughter is 12 and sounds very similar. I'm very proud of her.

onceamai · 24/01/2011 07:24

She sounds brilliant to me, ie, happy to be herself so confident within herself - providing she has some friends and is happy in herself I'm sure she'll be fine and if she wouldn't suggest it, she seems to know where the boundaries of acceptability lie with her friends. Our 12 year old is similar and has a few like minded friends too. BTW - I was a bit like this - all the super cool ones stayed in the provincial area, or moved back to it, where we lived and carried on doing provincial things. The ones who did their own thing went off and did far more exciting things.

SaorAlba · 24/01/2011 07:34

My sisters are like your dd. Lucky for them that they are twins so have eachother. They are 14 and have a small group of friends who are not into expensive clothes and makeup. Some of the girls they know have been obsessed by fashion since they were 9 or 10.

Although your dd maybe doesn't fit in with her peers all that comfortably now, IME by late secondary school there will be much more of a mix and less conformity as the other girls will grow in confidence and realise they don't have to be sheep.

Bathsheba · 24/01/2011 07:37

I remember sneaking home when I was 14 to play with my Sindy Dolls and cuddle my teddy bears because that was what I REALLY wanted to do...

I also remember saying to my best friends, on a bus trip somewhere, that I didn;t think the same as them - I didn't go past every single guy and comment as to how fanciable or not he was, I just didn;t think like that, whereas they commented continually on every single guy there was.

I actually think she is probably fairly normal - I would say that helf of the girls being the way they are actually are putting on a huge front and find it difficult to put up all the time...

matchbox20 · 24/01/2011 07:42

I agree that a lot of the girls prob think like your daughter but it is easier to follow the crowd than not.

If she likes sport maybe she could team up with other kids that do in an outside sports club or something, she will then meet like minded kids.

Chandon · 24/01/2011 07:52

Hello, I was that girl at 13 (and 14 and 15).

I was a bit of a geek and not cool and did not have a boyfriend until I was 19.

I turned out o.k., really. At school I got good results, I did NOT get pregnant (obviously), and had fun playing tennis tournaments.

Once at Uni, I came into my own, had REAL friends.

Of the "popular" bunch at school, 2 got pregnant, and a lot took "glamorous" jobs (like stewardess, or waitress in fancy restaurant).

In the long run, I think things do not often pan out as well for the popular girls if I am honest, they sort of "peek too soon" IYKWIM

mum295 · 24/01/2011 08:02

I agree with Chandon, whose story is very similar to my own.

Your DD sounds lovely. I wish the girls in my family (cousins' kids and so on) were more like her. What I see them saying on Facebook horrifies me.

Plenty of time for boys and so on later in her teens/twenties!

Punkatheart · 24/01/2011 08:03

Like Chandon, I was a geeky kid and proud of it. Your daughter is a stronger person than the others...you should be very proud that she is able to develop her own traits. Mine in exactly the same age and all I hear is '..because I want to fit in.....all my friends do this/say this/wear this.' I find the tendency to be a sheep, not to mention the obsession with hair/boys/makeup - to be shallow and tedious.

Geeks/nerds unite! As long as your daughter is happy - that is the priority....

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