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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate my daughters step mother

32 replies

kazmus · 23/01/2011 17:44

My beautiful 24 year old daughter died after a long and difficult stay in hospital following heart surgery. During the time she divulged that her step mother has complained that she was being too precious about her coming surgery and that her father had not stood up for her. This ghastly woman never visited my daughter once during her 5 months, but turned up 5 hours before she died and proceeded to sit bt her bedside until she died, although my daughter did not want her there. I lost those last hours and the right to speak to my daughter freely due to her presence. My daughter had written to this woman telling her exactly what she thought of her but my ex tore up the letter before she could read it. I feel such anger towards her

OP posts:
ChickensFlyingUnderTheRadar · 23/01/2011 17:47

YANBU to feel however you feel. I am so sorry for your loss :(

ttalloo · 23/01/2011 17:51

YANBU, and so, so sorry for your loss.

Would you feel comfortable writing a letter to this woman, telling her exactly how you feel? Even if you never send it it may do you good to get all your feelings out on paper.

But I wonder also whether in your grief you are looking for someone on to whom to project your understandable anger at your daughter's death. I would feel exactly as you do in this terrible situation, but perhaps you are feeling so much hatred towards this dreadful, insensitive woman because you've lost the most precious thing in your life, and need to punish or blame someone for it.

ttalloo · 23/01/2011 17:51

So mostly YANBU and a teen-tiny bit U.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/01/2011 17:52

So sorry Kazmus, for your loss and the behaviour of this woman (i wouldn't even credit her with the term step mother tbh)

You have every right to feel angry, but I hope in time you find peace for yourself.

Do you have other children who have a relationship with this woman? Or can you just sever any contact with her and move on?

Beamur · 23/01/2011 17:52

I'm not surprised, what a thoughtless selfish woman.
I'm very sorry that you've lost your daughter. Try not to dwell on how you could have handled it differently. You were there for her.

GwynAndBearIt · 23/01/2011 17:56

I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand your feeling of loss for those last moments with your daughter. Why did you feel you could not ask this woman to leave to spend time alone with your daughter?

Was it the fact that you were not able to say it that you are most angry about?

ZZZenAgain · 23/01/2011 18:01

I understand your anger, I think it is entirely justified. Let it out.

I am so very sorry about your dd.

Sn0wflake · 23/01/2011 18:04

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Original poster
kazmus · 23/01/2011 18:06

You are all so right, but it is eating away at me and the fact that my daughter was never able to let this woman know how she felt. She was unbearable at the funeral weeping and wailing and trying to draw sympathy, I would not let her antics distract from the day as I didnt want my emotions being distracted from my daughter but now i am consumed with rage and want revenge

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BradTittAndFlange · 23/01/2011 18:08

YANBU, I am so sorry for your loss.

I hope you have told everyone about her bad behaviour and that she gets sent to coventry for doing that by your dd's loved one's, the selfish drama queen.

BradTittAndFlange · 23/01/2011 18:09

Anger is all part of the grieving process, I am sorry she was a selfish drama queen again at the funeral. I wonder if you could have some sort of memorial for your dd, and ban the ich from it, so you can have the goodbye you want without her!

HerBeX · 23/01/2011 18:13

So sorry for your loss. I think maybe a bit of bereavement counselling might help as you could talk honestly about this fucking awful woman to someone who is not going to judge you for hating her and who will let you express your anger.

Beamur · 23/01/2011 18:20

Wait until you feel calmer. This may not happen soon.
I wouldn't encourage 'revenge' but as they say, its a dish better eaten cold.
From this, I'd say wait until your grief is less raw and think about whether it is worth giving this woman any more of your time and energy.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/01/2011 18:22

I'm guessing the anger is normal and understandable.

I also think that when you have lost someone so precious that tbh nothing else is as important.

You said that she spent the last 5hrs of your DDs life there when she was not wanted. I know that you are focussing on your own DD having told her she was not wanted there, and her not respecting those wishes, but you too felt somehow you couldn't speak up and say Ok love, time to go, this is the end, it's me and my daughter only now and ask this woman to leave.

This woman is clearly not worth it. The weeping and wailing in itself is irritating to the point of murderous.

This will pass, you do have to let the anger go, it's only doing you harm and you have suffered enough.

So, to go forward, let the SM and her histrionics go.

In memory of your DD, resolve to spend time with those that bring joy to your heart and find the courage and strength to stand up to people not respecting your boundaries.

Perhaps bereavement counselling could help. I hope that you find your voice, and that somehow you can find some way to be happy again.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/01/2011 18:24

Not blaming you there OP, just saying that perhaps standing up and confronting is something you were too polite for.

Your daughter too may have had difficulties confronting such forceful characters as this SM.

I am truly sorry for your loss, and can't begin to imagine what you have been through.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/01/2011 18:26

Sorry, distracted...

I'd also be venting 90% of my anger at the EX if I were you. He had no right to tear up that letter, and clearly failed to stand up for his DD to this newcomer. He could have prevented all this happening.

Original poster
kazmus · 23/01/2011 18:32

too true Gwynandbearit. The nurses took me to one side and asked if i wanted her removed as they didnt know who she was and could sense that i was not ok. Trouble was that if i had done this it would have made me look the bad guy and given my ex an excuse to make me look vindictive. He only visited his daughter once a week for a few hours, and the doctors had to ring him to tell him that his daughter was dying and that he should get to the hospital.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 23/01/2011 19:10

I too think your ex is also to blame here for allowing her behaviour to continue.

I am so sorry for your loss. I havent been in your position so I hope I dont sound in any way trite but what really comes across from your posts is how much you love your daughter and even though those last hours were stolen, from what you have said you encouraged her to have a voice, were there for her and by her side the whole time. She died loved by the most important person in her world - you. Ultimately the rest is just shitty bollocks from selfish, weak individuals that doesnt matter.

I second the suggestions of someone to talk to to help you through this - not because I think you are struggling, but because I think you sound like far too much of a good person to waste your mental space on two utter twats. I hope you can find peace one day and once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
kazmus · 23/01/2011 19:20

you are all so kind and give such good advice. I have received more empathy from you complete strangers and thank you so much. I am in a terrible dark place and just to know there are people ouy there willing to give support is very comforting.

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ToxicKitten · 23/01/2011 19:21

I too am so very sorry to read your post and for your loss.

There is so much good advice here that I have nothing to add, but I would like to say that you sound like a lovely person who has tried very hard to do the best thing for everyone, most especially your daughter, and that as often happens, your thoughtfulness has been appallingly abused by people who literally know no better.

And prettyfly1 just posted all that and more very eloquently so I just extend to you my thoughts and hope for a little peace. x

bubblewrapped · 23/01/2011 19:23

YANBU at all

As a stepmother myself I cant even understand this womans behaviour.. :(

So sorry for your loss.

Original poster
kazmus · 23/01/2011 19:37

If I could only have my darling girl back for one more day. I know she would be saying Mum. let it go, but she always was an inspiration and I miss her so much.

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BoattoBolivia · 23/01/2011 19:53

So, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I just cannot imagine how you must be feeling, but can totally understand your justified anger. I would just echo the suggestion to write down how you are feeling, but to do nothing with it for a long time. It would be awful if your time for grieving was sullied by this woman taking up more of your thoughts and energy. Your comments about your wonderful daughter's personality are so important- for the sake of her memory, keep your dignity and focus on what she would have wanted. It is any consolation that your daughter never knew that her

letter had been ripped up? I think bereavement counselling would be a very good idea. Keep talking to us on here x

prettyfly1 · 23/01/2011 20:03

Oh Kazmus I wish there were more we could do. I am so woefully inexperienced with bereavement that I feel utterly rubbish at saying anything at all that will be of worth but please keep talking here. We will listen and advice as much as we can. I cannot imagine what you must be going through and again it will be trite but sending you my full support and compassion right now.

Original poster
kazmus · 23/01/2011 20:08

I am having counselling from cruse. They are wonderful listeners and completely non judgemental, but that means not commenting like everyone here about the behaviour of the SM. If you get nothing back it feels as though you are being covertly criticised for your feelings

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