Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to have convinced dh to try for dc3

38 replies

rmm · 23/01/2011 13:19

Its taken almost a year of me trying to give up wanting another dc, and dh finally agreeing that if it means so much to try.

SO now that we are activly ttc, the simplified version of what i'm feeling, is why am i petrified about what if it doesnt happen? And if it does what if dh doesnt love him/her like the 1st 2?

OP posts:

WimpleOfTheBallet · 23/01/2011 14:07

What were his reasons against?

belgo · 23/01/2011 14:09

Stop worrying and go for it!

diddl · 23/01/2011 14:37

"why am i petrified about what if it doesnt happen?"

Because you´ve been nagging trying to talk your husband into it for a year?

It´s unlikely that your husband won´t love another as much as the others, but if he doesn´t you´ll blame yourself for talking him into something he wasn´t fussed about.

Violethill · 23/01/2011 14:40

Agree with diddl.

The likelihood is, your DH will love the child just as much - I don't think that will be the issue. He may well resent you though, if he felt pushed into a decision he didn't want. You already have two children; if he really did not want to father a third, you should respect that. TBH if it took a year to talk him into it, I'm guessing you know deep down that he doesn't really want this

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/01/2011 14:41

Personally I could not ttc knowing the other person didnt actually want to and was only doing it for me.

What if he resents or doesnt bond with the baby, will you be able to provide for 3 children if it doesnt work out. Having a child can put a strain on any relationship but I would think even more so when its not actually what both sides want.

BrandyAlexander · 23/01/2011 14:57

What were his reasons for not wanting DC3? I am currently pregnant with DC2 and know that i want a third. DH not keen because this pregnancy has been hard on both of us. My intention is to have one big conversation and I will really think abou it before and have my answers as to how a third pregnancy would take less of a toll on us. If he isn't convinced after that, I would let it go. I genuinely couldnt fathom spending a year talking DH into it.

AllGoodNamesGone · 23/01/2011 15:18

Go for it. I think you are more likely to regret NOT having this baby than he will regret having him/her. It sounds like something you need rather than want and your DH understands that and is willing to do this for you. Good for him!

I think everyone has doubts and worries to some extent however well planned their babies are and I am sure your DH will love this one just as much once he/she is here.

However, when this little one is two and you find yourself broody for number four, I think you should keep quiet and consider yourself very lucky to have found a lovely man who was willing to compromise on this

diddl · 23/01/2011 15:46

I don´t really understand this tbh.

It seems that OPs husband has agreed reluctantly-I may be wrong.

Why is a woman´s desire to have/want a baby seen as more important than her husband´s desire to not?

compo · 23/01/2011 15:48

If you've taken a whole year to convince him to have another I really wouldn't
it'll be detrimental to your relationship , and your family dynamic
poor bloke, he probably feels ground down

compo · 23/01/2011 15:50

'Go for it. I think you are more likely to regret NOT having this baby than he will regret having him/her. It sounds like something you need rather than want and your DH understands that and is willing to do this for you. Good for him!'

really? Sounds like a load of baloney to me , sorry Ali!

diddl · 23/01/2011 15:53

I don´t regret the children I haven´t had.

I´ve never understood that tbh-sounds to me as if the ones you have aren´t good enough.

How can you regret what you´ve never had?

Violethill · 23/01/2011 15:59

I agree compo and diddl.

I also find the concept of a woman 'needing' a third child rather suspect.... the only reason for having a third child should be that both partners agree that they would like another child to complete their family (and obviously they should be able to support another child - that goes without saying)

The idea of one parent 'needing' another child smacks of investing all sorts of issues in the child which are an unfair burden. You shouldn't have a child to fill any other gaps in your life.

I also still think that in this situation, the DH is very unlikely to not love the child as much, because obviously once the child is born, it would be a very rare situation for either parent to actually have feelings of rejection. But I don't think loving the child is the issue. It will be loved. But the DH might very well resent his wife, even if the feeling doesn't surface for a few years, if he's been pushed into something he doesn't truly want.

AllGoodNamesGone · 23/01/2011 16:23

I didn't read the OP as saying she's been grinding him down for a year though.

She says she has been trying for a year to stop wanting another another baby and yet she still does - if it's easy not to regret something you have never had, why does she still feel this way?

Diddl asked - "Why is a woman´s desire to have/want a baby seen as more important than her husband´s desire to not?"

Fair point but equally why should it always be the one (usually, but not always the man) who wants less children that gets their own way?

Loopymumsy · 23/01/2011 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Violethill · 23/01/2011 16:27

"Fair point but equally why should it always be the one (usually, but not always the man) who wants less children that gets their own way?"

Because in a situation like this, a life changing decision where there can be no compromise, the default position needs to be the status quo. The OP and her DH have two children already - thats the status quo, and neither partner should be coerced into parenting another child they don't really want.

Obviously a couple should talk through whether they want children at all before embarking on marriage/long term partnership. But once you've started a family, its only right that each child is truly wanted by both parents.

mamatomany · 23/01/2011 16:35

6 years it took for DH to agree to number 4, he worships the baby, no regrets at all, it was the right decision for our family.

diddl · 23/01/2011 17:04

"Fair point but equally why should it always be the one (usually, but not always the man) who wants less children that gets their own way?"

Because he is also expected to look after it & bring it up?

Bogeyface · 23/01/2011 17:19

i didnt read it that she took a year to persuade him either!

I feel that it was her trying to put her feelings aside and failing, them talking about it and him agreeing to have another. It could be that a year ago he wasnt ready, but having thought about it and taken her views into account, he is now ready to ttc.

I hate the assumption that just because it took them a year to get to this point, she must have been nagging him senseless til she got her own way!

I think that the OP has these fears because TTC is a reality now, not a fantasy. When that happens (like when I got pg) it brings your fears to the surface. It doesnt mean she is subconciously acknowledging anything to do with the decision, just thinking through the possible outcomes and being concered about them!

diddl · 23/01/2011 17:25

"i didnt read it that she took a year to persuade him either!"

Perhaps it´s that OP says "convinced" & "finally agreed" that makes me think he wasn´t too bothered.

Bogeyface · 23/01/2011 17:27

She didnt say she "convinced" him, and "finally agreed" mean that a year ago he said no and a year later he said yes. It doesnt mean that she spent the intervening days nagging him til he gave in!

Greeninkmama · 23/01/2011 17:30

My dear friend always wanted three children, but her DH insisted they stick at two - and that is what they have. She feels a real void, and resents him very deeply now.

I think you have an internal sense of the family you want, and can feel very unfulfilled if you don't achieve it. It's just not something you can rationalise.

Bogeyface · 23/01/2011 17:31

I just saw that she did use that word in the title so sorry for that!

But I stand by my point. It doesnt mean he isnt keen, just that it has taken him a year to reach this decision.

diddl · 23/01/2011 17:35

"It doesnt mean that she spent the intervening days nagging him til he gave in!"

Well no, of course.

Although it must have been mentioned again-unless he suddenly changed his mind completely of his own accord

diddl · 23/01/2011 17:37

But back to the op, I can´t help feeling that OP feels uneasy as she´s not convinced that her husband is 100% about it?

Just imo, of course.

TallulahDoesTheHula · 23/01/2011 17:38

I'm in the same boat.
I spent about a year trying to get over my longing for a third child. I didnt nag DH about it or try and persuade him at all, but he did know I was sttruggling with it.
Eventually we had a long talk, started by him as he could clearly see I was unhappy. He decided to go for a third (by himself) and so we did.
I'm now pg (11 weeks) and hideously sick with it. Dh has been wonderful tbh. He's the one who is looking after me and the house while I lie around being sick. He's the one who is suggesting names and looking at buggies and saying 'we should look at those, it looks cool' ane he's the one who has accidentally blurted out our news to a couple of friends before we've had the scan, because he was 'excited and couldnt help it'
He's completely surprised me by how well he's thrown himself into the idea and I'm confident he will be just as good a Dad the third time round.

OP - If your DH has changed his mind and seems happy with his decision, then go with it. If you've honestly not been nagging him for ages and this is something he has decided for himself then trust him to be grown up enough to follow through on his decision and be supportive.
Just relax and enjoy the TTC bit, hopefully you'll both become closer and when you do get pg everything will be fine

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread