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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have convinced dh to try for dc3

38 replies

rmm · 23/01/2011 13:19

Its taken almost a year of me trying to give up wanting another dc, and dh finally agreeing that if it means so much to try.

SO now that we are activly ttc, the simplified version of what i'm feeling, is why am i petrified about what if it doesnt happen? And if it does what if dh doesnt love him/her like the 1st 2?

OP posts:
diddl · 23/01/2011 17:42

"My dear friend always wanted three children, but her DH insisted they stick at two - and that is what they have. She feels a real void, and resents him very deeply now."

I think that´s very sad for her 2 children tbh.

Bogeyface · 23/01/2011 17:51

diddl, I am curious that you feel no empathy for a woman who has a desperate need for another child. Have you never ever felt this?

It doesnt mean that she loves the children she already has any less, but that she has a yearning for another. Infact it may indicate a bigger love for her existing children that they make her so happy that she wants another!

Most women have had this at some point, and I find it odd that you dont seem to get it!

Violethill · 23/01/2011 17:59

I know your post is to diddl, but just to give my view... Its the word NEED that I'm uncomfortable with. It suggests that the child is there to fulfil the need of one parent, rather than being brought into the world out of a genuine desire by both parents to raise another child as part of the family.

Its also worth noting that a very strong yearning can be a purely emotional thing, and may well be triggered by the mother feeling less needed by existing children. Ive known a few mums try to persuade their dh to have another child when their youngest is approaching school age. It can be about filling a void in the mothers life, rather than being a genuinely mutual decision.

diddl · 23/01/2011 18:06

Well, just because I feel sorry for the children, doesn´t mean I feel nothing for the mother.

But I think when someone already has 2 children I guess my sympathy is limited.

Of course it could mean that she loves them so much she wants more-but it has to stop at some point-and the it´s also about what she wants.

The children are perhaps perfectly happy being just the two of them.

Bonsoir · 23/01/2011 18:14

"I think you have an internal sense of the family you want, and can feel very unfulfilled if you don't achieve it. It's just not something you can rationalise."

I expect psychotherapy would help. There are French women all around me with four children because they internalised the French bourgeois Catholic thing that it isn't a proper family if there aren't four children.

Of course, the reality of the effort and expense of bringing up four children means most of them eventually realise what a load of bollocks all that cultural nonsense is.

Bonsoir · 23/01/2011 18:16

I think all children ought to be brought into the world to fill a void in their parents' life.

mamatomany · 23/01/2011 18:21

Why is so bad that it's what SHE wants ?

My DH wants a 911 and the day we can afford it he'll have it. I don't want a 911 but wanted a 4th child, we are now both happy with what we spend our time and money on.

diddl · 23/01/2011 18:37

Why is so bad that it's what SHE wants ?

Because when you are part of a family it´s not all about you.

I do wonder if people marry without discussing these things though, or sometimes if a man says that they would like a couple of children the woman doesn´t hear this or thinks he doesn´t mean it or that he will change his mind or that she will be able to.

BTW, the she was referring to a post about someone´s friend.

Violethill · 23/01/2011 18:38

Do you see a child as a possession then?
On a par with something you might save up for?

There are plenty of things I want, and save up for and spend my money on which wouldn't be to my dh's taste. A human life is rather different - and deserves to be wanted equally by both its parents

mamatomany · 23/01/2011 18:43

I know of plenty of families where the man would have been perfectly happy to have not had children at all and has had any children to make the wife happy.

I doubt if every child in the world is wanted by both parents.
And no I don't see my children as possession but I do think they need to be saved up for, budgeted for and they most certainly are a luxury.

Violethill · 23/01/2011 18:47

I am aware that not all children are wanted by both parents. But thats hardly a situation to aspire to, or to justify. A child deserves to be wanted by both its parents- anything less than that is far from ideal.

moomiemoo · 23/01/2011 18:50

Ignoring all the discussion about who has the right to choose....

OP - my 3rd is 7 months and, honestly, I can say that neither DH nor I were ever 100% sure about the decision. Instinctively though we both felt like our family wasn't complete at 2 even if I was more sure about having another than him!

DD3 is amazing and has completed our family but it is hard, hard work and you're going to need your DH on board on a practical as well as emotional level.

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/01/2011 18:54

Sorry if someone's said this,

But it may well be that it took a year for the DH to agree because the DC1 and DC2 are now a year older, and life tends to get a bit easier as children get older. Circumstances have changed, so he's changed his mind

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