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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'me time' product of the noughties and daft?

56 replies

LadyTremaine · 23/01/2011 09:58

Ok so a comment from DSDs mother prompted me to think about this. Did our parents ever get this 'me time'? When did this concept come about?

And why do people feel they are so darn entitled to soooo much of it?

Ok, I appreciate that as much as I hate the phrase, it is a good description of what we all need in some shape or form every now and again to keep ourselves sane...

But it seems to have got out of hand and all I every here from parents (mainly mums although I don't know how relevent that is? It seems to be a more female phrase) is about how they are exhausted and need more 'me time' despite the fact that it seems to me they have a lot more than generations past.

Am I being unreasonable to think the whole concept has sent people dolally and resentful of the fact that they have to complete standard parental tasks?

OP posts:

PrincessScrumpy · 23/01/2011 19:12

When I was younger we would stay at Granny and Grandads some holidays. We always thought it was for us as we loved it (brother and I) but it also gave mum and dad time together.

I think it's healthy and nothing new. Certainly nothing to get angry about.

thefentiger · 23/01/2011 19:20

Agree with Chil and Buzz
I would be sent out to play as a child as were all the children I knew- not allowed back until lunchtime/teatime etc

My F would sit ALL weekend watching sport and woebetide you if you disturbed him !
We went to all my parents friends etc and were turned out into the garden to play.

This is just another excuse to bash parents imo - I once bought a newspaper and bumped into an ex colleague who gasped and asked me when I would ever find the time to read that what with being a mother

cat64 · 23/01/2011 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

frgr · 23/01/2011 19:35

well in my mother's generation (IME) there was no sense that she was a person in her own right, deserving of time for her own hobbies, interests, social life outside of the kitchen/kids sphere.

don't get me wrong, my mum doesn't regret it, she would have chosen it now i think even though then there wasn't much of a choice (or rather she didn't know about having a choice to stay at home or continue in her career, iyswim).

but she was a 24hr mum.

i'm not sure that's something to look back on with rosy tinted glasses, really. she never got any peace, and i think that we (kids, dad) didn't really respect her needs... it makes me sad that growing up we sort of perpetuated this, hence the massive difficulties my mum had when we all went off, either to uni, or in my brothers case, moved to the other end of the country to start a training contract when he was just 17.

so yeah. maybe this "me time" is really just "the equivalent to what my dad used to get", now mums are finally realising they're actually entitled to it too. just because they are parents doesn't mean their hobbies, relaxation time is any less important.

i think this development is a good thing.

PrincessScrumpy · 23/01/2011 19:41

My dad dropped my brother at primary school one day a week and took me to walk along the beach before dropping me at playgroup to give mum a lie-in, and on Saturday's she got a lie-in too. Dad slept in on a Sunday while we went to church.

We went on holiday to Greece when I was 7 and all the other people there were adults (it was a tiny island). All the other adults had left dcs at home which my mum and dad found odd - if they got holiday time, they wanted to spend it with us. The other parents thought their dcs would get bored, but there was a beach so my brother and I played outdoors everyday.

We are having a weekend away this weekend and dd1 is going to parents' house but that is unusual and only because it's free through dh's work.

KalokiMallow · 23/01/2011 19:48

My mum and dad always made sure they had time when we weren't to bother them. Usually they'd designate a TV program that we weren't meant to interrupt them during.

Makes sense.

But then the dining room was also always the adults room and kids usually stuck to the living room. I intend to do the same when I have kids, I'd go nuts with no space.

PrincessScrumpy · 23/01/2011 19:50

Good luck KaloiMallow. dd doesn't even let me go to the toilet on my own!

scottishmummy · 23/01/2011 19:53

my me time is going to work. i do need time not subsumed by parental tasks/role

mackereltaitai · 23/01/2011 19:57

YANBU - it's a shift from a mindset where the way people were taught to be happy was to do something nice for somebody else, to a mindset where we are taught to be happy via being selfish. Only 'selfish' still sounds unpleasant even when that's what we want to be, so when commercial interests want to sell us equipment to do stuff to or for ourselves, they had to find a new name for it.

I don't remember my mother demanding time for herself at all (born in the 30s). What she did do was a lot of gardening, which she did and does still love, but which is also productive work, and which you can do a lot of while looking after children.

toeragsnotriches · 23/01/2011 20:06

I've said this before, but in the 70s when my bro and I were DCs stuff just took much much longer. We had to fit around my mum or the laundry and nappies just wouldn't get done, or the shopping (done everyday - small fridge, no massive supermarket shop etc), or the cooking (from scratch.)

I do agree mackerel. And with the others who identify a change in terminology.

giveitago · 23/01/2011 20:12

With chill.

I've not had a lie in (till 8am) since kids and I don't expect one till kid can get himself up and dressed and fed etc.

I think it's modern life. My dps had more free time and it was a different era.

thefentiger · 23/01/2011 20:36

mackerel I think when you say people you actually mean women
?

ie that women where expected to spend time making everyone happy but themselves - they were expected to be good wives and mothers not demand anything or time for themselves

My DG was one of these women and she secretly became addicted to pills to cope with the stress .
I have no guilt in doing things for myself because I would be a shell of a person if I didnt.
Also the example of reading,cooking(I love it!)and my other hobbies also have enriched my childrens lives as well.

As for not being allowed to go to the loo on your own

Original poster

LadyTremaine · 23/01/2011 20:55

mackerel i think you've sumised where I was coming from.

OP posts:

walkinZombie · 23/01/2011 20:58

I agree (obv I don't know)
past generations , especially mums got little 'me time' I think to when my mother was a child, (60') she often goes on about how men went to work, men came in , ate tea and went to pub.
if there was children involved mums had no 'me time' and just dealt.
I think in this example its a good thing to have, some mothers can become resentful and grouchy when they don't have a min to ones self, not good for children of themselves

Mumcentreplus · 23/01/2011 21:02

Not sure about me time per se...but I believe in time couples should spend together..my mum (70s mum) is appalled..I'm sure of it...how dare you go away for a weekend cavorting while your children spend time with their grandparent/aunt/other family members who love to have them for a couple of days..disgusting

frgr · 23/01/2011 21:15

Maybe the root of the problem is that, with close to reliable contraception available, this generation of modern day women have known (before kids) what it is like to have careers, hobbies, the ability to dictate what they do with their daily lives. Rather than in my mum's generation where she'll happily admit it was socially accepted that you'd get married and have kids 9 months later in most cases.

Things have changed, and I'll say again: it's for the better in some ways, which it's all to easy to ignore. I agree with the others when they say she should replace people with women.

I always remember my father's god-given right to his fishing weekends every 2 or 3 months, the same for his model building stuff. He was a good dad, but he definitely had stuff that could be classed as "me time" - I remember no such thing for my mum. Unless you count repairing my/my brother's hand me down clothes? Because she did enjoy sewing - but, still, hardly "me time", was it?

frgr · 23/01/2011 21:16

That was meant to read as:

I agree with the others when they say Mackerel should replace people with women.

Mumcentreplus · 23/01/2011 21:27

actually the more I think about it..the more everyone needs me time..naff name but good concept..everyone needs time to chill

minxofmancunia · 23/01/2011 21:28

I agree with Chil too.

I entertained myself alone or played out as a kid. My parents just got on with what they had to do. they didn't really play with me, I was left with babysitters loads whilst they went to dinner parties. I don't feel neglected at all. It's only since the cult of obsessive, completely child centred helicopter parenting that people are desperate for "me time". My dd 4 is expected to entertain herself for a good portion of the day, I won't play with her all the time. I've got other stuff to do and it's not good for her to be so adult dependent.

LaWeaselMys · 23/01/2011 21:44

I'm sure on that recent BBC families documentary they worked out that parents spend much much more time with their children now than they used to.

Although on the other side, women used to spend much more tine on housework etc so I think the me time evened out (vague memories)

At any rate I don't think me time is bad. It's just a naff name. DH is away weekdays, so I bloody appreciate him taking DD out for a few hours at the weekend.

LaWeaselMys · 23/01/2011 21:51

toerag made my point. Take something like cooking. I cook from scratch, my mum cooked from scratch. She had no freezer, small fridge, where she was there was limited food buying options. There was no buying a chicken breast, you had to get the whole chicken, then butcher...

We both used reusable nappies, but in the 80s that involved hours of soaking and a twin tub washing machine - not shove stuff in and come back in 90mins.

I don't agree that older generations of mums had more me time.

Mumcentreplus · 23/01/2011 21:59

me time = time when I can watch dodgy T.V my DH doesn't like without interruption, time when I don't have to watch bluddy child based television programmes...when i can read a book in peace..when i can type on mumsnet without having to re-type words because I'm shouting my DDs to go to bed!..stop doing that!...stop fighting..stop trying to eat stuff that goes in their lunch box...stop eating cereal from the box!..I can also talk on the phone without doing the above..I can use the toilet without doing the above or being asked about the remote control...etc etc etc

nowthen · 23/01/2011 22:00

My parents 'me time' was Saturday night at the Sergeants Mess (Forces). My eldest db would babysit me and other db - we always ended up scrapping.

Mum would go to bingo every Tuesday, that was her time.

She was a sahm and spent her days shopping, cooking, meeting friends, playing badminton.

I remember walking to school through the woods at 7 years old. Later, I caught the bus, or walked 5 miles there and back. Got home, had tea, went out playing with neighbours.

Weekends were spent at the stables, mucking out for a free ride. Biked there and back on my own. Mum and dad did their own thing.

I'm a sahm. I ferry my dc everywhere. Most half terms are spent entertaining them because neighbour friends are at holiday clubs etc.

My parents would never dream of taking us on playdates and picking us up. It just didn!t happen.

My childhood was spent playing in the woods, watching birds, building dens etc.

Mum and dad had 'me time' every day when we went out to play for hours. Except they didn't label it in anyway, it was just what happened.

Mumcentreplus · 23/01/2011 22:08

Definate 'me time' for my parents was Sundays..my mum would do lunch then we would be 'stylishl'y chucked out to play for hours...funny..my dad always can to the back door with his boxers on...apparently they were having a 'lie down' after lunch

AllGoodNamesGone · 23/01/2011 22:09

My parents always used to book me and my sister in for a days pony trekking at least once during our summer holiday.

It's only since I had my own children that I've realised it wasn't entirely for our benefit, though we did enjoy it.

Mum and Dad would wave us off then sprint for the car and go off for the day somewhere they wanted to go.

At the time, I always thought they just waited for us at the stables!

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