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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel really disappointed with friend and not know what to do about it?

38 replies

Spacey01 · 22/01/2011 23:16

Have a friend who have known since our children were little, met at a post natal group. Got on very well and spent a lot of time together. The other week we were driving back from a day out with the children and mine was a bit whingy and tired and said "No" quite moodily at her child and my friend looked at me and said "God your kid is horrible!"
I was a bit! annoyed and let her know that and since we have not contacted each other. I tried to contact her today about something and got a short response back. I am so disappointed in her and annoyed in myself for starting to feel guilty about it and that I may be in the wrong, I feel that I deserve an apology and then we can move on (knowing the rules!)
Am I in the wrong - is it okay to say that about other peoples children?

OP posts:

mitochondria · 22/01/2011 23:17

It's OK to think it.

Not OK to say it, if you want to remain friends.

Carrotsandcelery · 22/01/2011 23:21

That is true but at the same time, if she is a friend you value, is it worth falling out over.
I am sure we have all said and done stupid things when we have been thoughtless or tired.
Friendship allows for a little rule bending now and again.

CDMforever · 22/01/2011 23:22

No its not ok to say it and you definitely deserve an apology. She may have been trying to be funny or just felt extremely stressed and opened her mouth without thinking.
That said, I would feel exactly the same as you.
If it has just happened, give it a bit of time - some people just don't say the "S" word that easily.
If after some time you don't hear from her, I would text her or send a letter ( so you're not forced into a dialogue) and tell her your feelings and that unless you do get an apology, you don't feel you can continue your friendship.

Original poster

Spacey01 · 22/01/2011 23:22

But then should she not think that and apologise to me as I am not in the wrong! And if she doesn't think that or apologise is she worth valuing?

OP posts:

outnumbered2to1 · 22/01/2011 23:23

and i supposed her kids shits diamonds? Maybe you should ask her for parenting tips on how to turn your "horrible" kid into something that would please her more?

I wouldn't have been a bit annoyed. I would have stopped the car and said well if my kid is so horrible you probably won't want to be around them anymore than necessary so i think there is a bus stop over there... bye bye

MsKLo · 22/01/2011 23:23

She should not have said that. To say to him that is not a nice thing to say is ok but she should not be calling him horrible! she should apologise

claig · 22/01/2011 23:28

Your last post says it all. Personally, I would dump her. That sounds like underlying hostility and jealousy to me. Kids are kids and if she can't see that, then there is something nastier behind it.

CDMforever · 22/01/2011 23:29

Yes Spacey she should think that but not everyone has the same value systems as we think they should. There are some gits our there.
Actually, scrap what I just said! Life is too short for shite friends! Bin her. Also, I don't suppose your DS will want to spend too much time in the company of someone who calls him "horrible".

Original poster

Spacey01 · 22/01/2011 23:38

Thank you so much, this happened a week ago and I have been really upset about it and worrying about it. I think you are right Claig there has always been a lot of jealousy as my DD has always done things a lot earlier than hers and she feels that she needs to compete with me. Mine is now doing the "horrible" three year old toddler attitude thing earlier than hers so she feels that she has one up that hers is not having as much attitude yet!!! and thank you CDMforever I think I will bin her although I do not have any other friends with kids that age and the children have got on really well. BUT will I ever feel comfortable again with her. Probably not, so have just answered my own question really. Definitely bin her and stop feeling guilty, I have no reason to!!

OP posts:

GreenEyesandHam · 22/01/2011 23:44

In the interests of fairness, could you take a deep breath, suck it up, and think about whether your child might actually be a bit...horrible?

If this is the first altercation, perhaps she might be on another thread talking about her friend and her nightmare child'.

claig · 22/01/2011 23:49

Good decision. It is a shame for both children, as they are friends. But your friend may transmit her negative feelings to your lovely DD, and that is totally unacceptable.

cece · 22/01/2011 23:50

I agree that maybe you should consider whether or not your child is horrible? Perhaps she has point and she is waiting for an apology from you.

Original poster

Spacey01 · 22/01/2011 23:53

Perhaps it is just my child but don't all three year olds have horrible moments. Do we brand them has horrible children when they have horrible moments!!!!!!!

OP posts:

McHobbes · 22/01/2011 23:56

Oh thank God someone came in and put the other side of the story forward!

I have no idea about your kid....but it's one of three things:

Your friend is a cow.

She blurted something out without thinking/was tired and acting out of character/was kidding and is now too embarrassed or stubborn to apologise.

Your kid IS horrible.

claig · 22/01/2011 23:58

It's not your child that is horrible. It is that pathetic adult.

DreamTeamGirl · 23/01/2011 00:01

If IF your child was being horrible- particually to her own child and you werent stepping in she may have been feeling abit put out herself

If you dont care an djust want to be right then by all means dump her, but if she is a good friend and you still want her and her child in your families lives then maybe you should just let it go?

claig · 23/01/2011 00:02

When I was a child, my mum had a friend whose child really was horrible. But this child was 14 years old. The child was disturbed. But my mum would never have dreamed of saying that to her friend. She wouldn't have said it because it was true and the child's mum knew it was true. People who say that do so when it isn't true, and they do it with teh intention of hurting.

Original poster

Spacey01 · 23/01/2011 00:14

Thank you for your varied comments. Is it me or is Mumsnet not like having a good and bad devil on each shoulder arguing it out for you!!! Given me lots to think about - thanks again!

OP posts:

begonyabampot · 23/01/2011 00:54

if this is a one off do you really want to ruin a good friendship over it - unless you don't really care about the friendship. You could at least raise the subject and tell her why you are annoyed and then let her put her side in. Most friendships will be tested at sometime - depends on how you deal with it. I've been crap in the past and just wrote folk off - it's not always the best way.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2011 01:24

I hate to state the obvious, but she seems to be the one doing the binning, whether or not it's justified.
So you may have quite a long wait for an apology...

AimingForSerenity · 23/01/2011 01:26

You have to weigh up if your friendship is good enough for you to forgive this or if you'll be walking on eggshells watching for her attitude to your child in future. Even if your child was behaving horribly, her rudeness was worse and there's a good chance ,seeing as he's only 3, that at some point in the future he may do it again .Will she be rude again? How will you feel then?

There are some people that you do, eventually, have to realise are not good to keep as friends as you are always walking on eggshells.
A while ago I had to take the decision to walk away from quite a close friend because she had crossed a line and I felt I could not put this aside and ever be relaxed in her company again. If you will feel that way then move on and don't look back.

FaffTastic · 23/01/2011 01:28

She shouldn't have called your child horrible. Def out of order.

What did you say to her in response and how harsh did you say it? It sounds as if she has taken the hump with you too for some reason

Tolalola · 23/01/2011 01:45

I think even if a child is being a bit 'horrible', it's just one of those things you should never, never say out loud to the child or its family.

I have a friend with a DS a year older than mine. We live far apart and don't see each other often. When she came to visit once, DP and I thought her DS was being monstrous.

Would I have said as much to my friend? Of course not. Never in a million years. Because I love her and value her friendship and I want to love her children .

Besides, I would have felt like a complete dick if I had said anything, because in a few short months DP and I sharply came to realise that her DS was NOT being 'monstrous'. He was just being 3 .

OldBagWantsNewBag · 23/01/2011 02:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkstarlight · 23/01/2011 02:45

all kids can be grumpy especially after a day out and tired,your friend was out of order and infact was being quite horrible herself saying that in front of your child.

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