to expect DH to do more at home?

[cabbageroses]

I have worked from home for the past 12 years, part time, self employed. I put in about 20 hrs a week. Have 1 DS at home still post-uni but about to move out within months.

We have a very traditional set up with DH earning most of our money, and working 8-7pm most days. he does no housework or cooking at all. The only things he does are the DIY when essential, ( he loathes decorating so rarely does that), putting thw wheelie bin out, and picking up the odd item of food at the weekend when he is out in town.

However, recently my work has picked up and I am working longer hours- mainly into the evening, but my Dh and DS still assume I will cook from scratch each night. (Due to 2 of us having food allergies take aways etc are limited.)

I am really resenting his lack of contribution to the chores. he will do stuff if I make a list or tell him what to do, but he never sees dirt or washes his own clothes, or irons, or cooks anything. Ever.

I feel I have become a 1950s houswife .

Would you expect a Dh to do more?

Yep but you should have sorted this out much earlier.

With me & my DH, he does all the cooking, I do the washing up, then all other cleaning gets split down the middle. Because we're both adults who make the same amount of mess, it doesn't matter who earns what.

Someone else started one of these threads a while ago and an mnetter suggested saying stuff like 'right, I'll go clean the bathroom if you Hoover down here' and stuff like that.

Maybe he doesn't 'see' dirt (tho I don't believe that) but he can't possibly argue with a request like that.

YANBU. I am in a similair situation. It sucks. I have a massive screaming fit about every 12 weeks, he picks up for a fortnight and then it's back to the same old routine. We both worked full time (I've only just gone back to 3 days a week) and I was really struggling. Don't let it build up like I have. Next time, I've got to do something constructive to sort it out...

YANBU to expect him to do more, YApossiblyBU to expect him to pick up on needing to do more.

This is not a man-woman thing, I hasten to add.... But people are creatures of habit and if you've been in one situ for 12 years, it is hard to see a change is needed. Plus, the changes in your circumstances - your business picking up - are probably much clearer to you than to your DH. He may not realise how much more you now have on, or may think it's just a brief lucky run, or something.

It's not like you've just had a baby or got really ill, or something dramatic and obvious has happened that would lead him to see a change is necessary.

Have you sat down with him, shown him your accounts/ client list (whatever) and said, 'Look how business has picked up, I'm so much busier now, can we reallocate house chores a bit?'

I know you are right. I am furious at myself as I ma quite a feminist in many ways and I cannot stand this set up anymore.

He argues that because he works a 50 hr week and is away sometimes , then the home is my territory.

I was happier to do this when the DCs were younger but now we are almost on our own and my career is taking off again, I am resentful.
My work is creative, so there are no limits to how much work I do- the more I do, the more chance of success and money for us.

And anyone who freelancers and works from home will know it's constant multi tasking- juggling washing and chores around emails and phone calls.

I was expecting some responses here saying I was a lazy cow and if he works twice as many hours as I do ( outside the home) then I should do the majority of the housework, cooking and laundry.

I just feel I have turned into his servant. he would argue that without him I would not be able to live in a 4 bed, 2 bath house.

for example today, I have done 2 loads of washing ( mainly his stuff) and tumble dried some , sorted out the rest on a drying rail. Cleaned kitchen floor- on hands and knees. Cleaned 1 bathroom.

He has been to gym, had a coffee in town, and fiddled with the new TV which is being "set up". he has now gone to supermarket- as ordered by me.

it's so petty but I need to get some perspective on it.

Your DH and son should both being doing more. Hard to change if this behaviour is very ingrained.

Cleaner?

My work has deadlines. Some weeks I am working flat out and have to email etc into the evening, for days, then it goes quiet for a few weeks. However, I also have regular work that takes up 4 half days. Other stuff varies and is in addition to that.

I just feel under pressure that he never cooks. Does anyone these days have a DH who cannot cook?

I could never expect a meal on the table unless it was a ready meal- and eventhen I'd have to tell him what to buy.

Just dont cook. He will either starve or sort it out himself.

First thing you should do is have a frank conversation with your DH then with your DH and ds together. Your son being and adult should contribute at home. Make him cook a meal or two a week for the family. Make it include getting the ingredients for it and washing up after. Sit down as a family and set out a list of the things that are essential too you all. If meals are key and clean clothes a must every week then those are given priority but perhaps agree that other things will have to be done by either of the other two. Give it a deadline, if the system doesn't work readress it. Get a cleaner and bill your dh and son if it doesn't work. Sort your son out though as a matter of prioriy for the sake of your future daughter-inlaw!

I think that you should have a rota for cooking, so that it is no one persons sole responsibility. I don't buy the argument that if it wasn't for him you would not have a big house. Presumably he wanted the house too. Tell him what you did today and ask him if he thinks that is entirely fair, given that you are both working now.

I'm guessing that you supported him in the early days of his career by doing most of the childcare and keeping the home nice so he didn't have to worry about these things. Tell him that you would now appreciate some of that support, so you can establish your business.

I like the idea of a cleaner, if you are both working long hours and can afford it.

I would look at the number of hours that each of you is at work or travelling. The person doing least can contribute domestic duties until the hours are equal and then anything else that needs doing is split 50/50.

Change- I would deffo lose out there then!

I work around 30 hours a week when I am busy- but it's hard to say- that's 6 hrs a day, but can be more. I could work more, but then I am doing housey things on top of that.

He works 50 hrs a week. That means he works 20 hrs more, so to mak eit even, I should add 10 hr s to my hours and they would be 10 hrs of chores/cooking.

Is that right?

Cleaner- hmm. Too mean for that. I'd rather spend £80 a month on me. The chores that need doing daily are hall hoovering/washing, kitchen floor, and bathrooms.

I have a feeling your son is going to wind up on his own, because I don't know any women that age who are willing to skivvy for a man in that way.

He expects a meal?

I don't get how you put up with that for so long.

Sorry, but you've been doing this now for 20-odd years.

He won't change.

I am sorry but if you do 20 hours less than him then it is not unreasonable that you do the 1st 20 hours of other tasks.

Why should you have more leisure time than he does?

If you do 6 hours a day and have a grown up child then you have more free time than he does.

If you don't want to do it then work more hours-earn more money and get a cleaner in.

You just answered your own question Cabbage. Sort of. Im not sure about your maths but it seems you have the time available. So why shouldn't you put in the same amount of time to your household as he does ?

Our bathroom needs doing once a week. There are no children in the house.

Why do you need to do your hall and kitchen floor daily.. surely if 3 adults clear up after themselves it is not going to get that dirty.

50 hours a week, plus travelling is a bloody long week compared to 6 hours a day in the comfort of your own home tbh...

Cabbageroses: is it really the cooking that's getting you down?

It is tiring to be responsible for all the cooking - especially if you cook properly, from scratch.

In fact, deciding what to have, shopping and cooking decent food for a family every single day - even if you enjoy cooking - can turn into a real drudge.

These men need to learn how to cook and do it, once or twice a week each. Not least because everyone needs to be able to do this for themselves.

I don't think that's too much to ask. Your DH could maybe do this on one or two of his non-working days? Your DS on a defined night each week? They might even enjoy it.

Is it worth trying to negotiate this?

Just say you will all just get your own food in the week and don't argue about it and only make your own stuff at least fora month and see how it goes.

Fuck your DH, he's at least working long hours and earning money.

What's your son's excuse?

I think it's the type of work that is the problem.

My Dh does work long hours, but for that he earns a reasonably good salary, a company car, a final salary pension and status.

I resent doing all the domestic stuff because it is thankless, and I get no appreciation or recognition.

It is best if we leave my son out of the equation as he is flat hunting and could well have left home within a month.

Those of you who seem to be having a bit of a go at me about working from home inthe comfort of my own home- well, I assume you are not doing the same! workin from home is not the doddle it may appear. It is isolating, you are constantly surrounded by household chores that need doing, and you have to be very focused and motivated to work entirely alone on creative projects ( that involve a lot of rejection from potential clients.)don't get me wrong- I like the work, but it has its own pressures that are different from going into an office, shop, school whatever and knowing exactly what you have to do each day.

Even if we split the hours of work 50/50, so that I was doing 40 hours a week of work and housework.cleaning/shopping nad cooking, I still think he would end up having to do more, as i spend far more than 10 hours a week on all of those things.

As for cleaning up- our hall has a wood floor, we live in the country and lots of mud,etc ends up in the hall from us and from my clients who sometimes visit, even if they take off their shoes!

I'm not surprised that if your husband works/travels such long hours he doesn't do very much - and he does do the DIY. Perhaps he could do a proper shop rather than picking the odd thing up but in his position I don't think I'd expect to do too much cleaning or cooking.

I also find myself wondering why your son appears to have got away with doing so little.

So when your son moves to his flat is there going to be some doormat skivvying for him?

Is he going to expect his girlfriend to skivvy for him, because I'm bringing up my son and daughters not to treat people, regardless of gender, like servants just because they are going out with them, and not to put up with that sort of treatment for a minute.

As a result, they have age-appropriate chores and assist in the cooking and baking as they can, so that when they are 'post uni' age they won't dream of expecting a person to have a hot meal waiting on the table for them unless they've hired a cook or made a reservation at a restaurant.

So people brought up like your son are going to find picking slim on the ground when it comes to someone willing to maid it out like you have for the past 20 years.

Pity a feminists child.

This is not meant to be about my son, TBH _ I am not married to him! He does all his own washing and ironing and cleaning- and he is a great cook. he is not expecting any owman to behis skivvy so I don't know where all that came from, here. He would willingly cook- and does now and then- but I am more concerned about my DH and me!

It is the cooking not the housework that gets me down. I am catering for different food allergies- I don't eat dairy, ,wheat and spicy food for medical reasons, and my son is allergic to dairy and fish.

Deciding what to cook, and cooking from scratch every day takes time even though I am pretty inventive.

Bottom line is I think DH should do something domestic.

Your son should be doing more around the house and also be doing some of the cooking. In fact I would expect him to be doing more then your DH

cabbage

Get a cleaner. Seriously. My mum works in a similar way to you and her cleaner is her lifesaver. She cleans much more efficiently than my mum (or me, or any normal person!) and the house looks really good for clients.

It costs, but so does doing the cleaning yourself, as you are not working on your work then.

On cooking, tell ask DH to sort out a joint meal once a week, announce you are doing your own thing once/ twice a week (and make it something quick and basic), and that will surely reduce the load?