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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT decorate dd's room until she learns to keep it tidy??

81 replies

FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/01/2011 13:07

DD is 9.

She has a room of her own & it's lovely, she has enough storage units, a large wardrobe and two sets of drawers.. ie: she has no need to pile evrything on top of her desk and to throw dirty washing in a toy box when there is a wash bask oin her room too!

So, the bedroom was last painted when we moved into this house, about 6 years ago - it's pink with pink curtains and fairy theme, she says it's babyish.

Together we chose some lovely covers and curtains, cushions and lamp shades from Next (I think it's English Rose or something with roses on) and I told her if she could prove to me she could keep her room tidy for 3 weeks we would get it painted and the new covers on.

Long story short is I now have the covers since AUGUST and she has not managed to keep her room tidy AT ALL, never mind of the crappy three weeks.

I did a hugh clear out of stuff, leaving only the stuff she plays with and her massive collection of books, but she leaves books everywhere, there are 3 in the bathroom as we speak and another 2 lying on the mat here in the livingroom....

I don't forget what it's like to be 9 - I shared a room with 4 sisters and had to have all my stuff in its place - but DH is a through other so and so, so doesn't show her an example.

Anyway, my sister visited the other day and said she couldnt wait to see dd's room as she had heard she got lovely new covers etc.... dd then told her mummy said she wasn't allowed it done :( and the stuff had to stay in the cupboard :(

I could have throttled her Angry and explained to sister that dd doesn't care enough about her room to have it tidied and I wasn't going to pay to have it decorated and all new stuff in it, to watch it being trashed again.

Sis said I was being a cow and that if I decorated the room, then dd would want to keep it tidy cos it would be pretty...

WWYD? She doesn't have the pressure of putting clothes away or anything, me or dh does that, well, obsiously if she is wearing clothes that are clean I expect them to be hung up, but we put away her clean laundry.

AIBU to not want to decorate it until she can prove she cares enough to keep it tidy?

Am prepared to be told AIBU.

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 22/01/2011 19:00

I used to have a very messy room as a teenager, even the shame of having friends over wasn't enough to make me keep it tidy all the time. I don't know why, I just used to drop clothes on the floor and let mugs grow mould. I still do, I'm not a tidy person. IN the end, my mum just let me get on with it as it was turning into her life's purpose to get me to be tidy.

I would decorate it anyway, as I think having a very babyish room is a bit humiliating and she will remember it, and now you've bought the stuff, you may as well use it. She won't keep it perfectly, but perhaps make some rules about things like pens or (in a few years) make-up and no mess on walls, so at least it's just the floor that is bad!

matchbox20 · 22/01/2011 20:05

Obviously the punishment is not harsh enough.............

Have you taekn the bin liner to charity or did you give it back to her?

Take everything out of her room except the bed and clothes.

Give her nothing.

DISCIPLINE.

My child has been making his bed since he was 3.......start discipline when they are young and they just do it......i never even have to ask him.

bed made
clothes in basket
room tidy

etc etc
but too be honest he does not spend much time in his room, he is with pals or with me having fun not on his own in his room.

supersewer · 22/01/2011 20:22

every 2 years - wow - someone has too much time (and money) on their hands - lucky kids!!!

Bobbiesmum · 22/01/2011 20:38

I think you would have a fit In my house! Doesnt sound all that messy and yes, she will probably be more likely to keep her newly decorated room tidy as it will be nicer.

Bobbiesmum · 22/01/2011 20:40

Omg matchbox! Is this seriously how the majority parent? I think I need classes ........!

mumeeee · 22/01/2011 20:47

I think YAB a bit U to expect a 9 year old to kep her room tidy without any help. I would decorate her room and make it nice, Then help her organise her stuff,

matchbox20 · 22/01/2011 20:53

Omg matchbox! Is this seriously how the majority parent? I think I need classes ........!

What do you mean? disipline is wrong?

Bobbiesmum · 22/01/2011 21:01

Sounds very strict but I get the feeling from mumsnet threads that I am probably very lax.

magnolia74 · 22/01/2011 21:03

Fab comments Matchbox.....really helpful Hmm

For what reason do you need to say
'but too be honest he does not spend much time in his room, he is with pals or with me having fun not on his own in his room.

Who has mentioned their child being on their own in their room and not having fun????

matchbox20 · 22/01/2011 21:09

Strict...me .....your having a laugh.........just organised.

The reason I mentioned the ''not being in the room'' was as if dont spend much time in there it don't get messy.

Maybe tidy the room in the morning and dont let her back in.....lol

tinkertitonk · 22/01/2011 22:07

What's DD like otherwise? Is she a good, happy, loving child? If so, let it go is my advice (my DD used to lose stuff all the time, it infuriated both parents until a wise friend said, some children are just made that way but grow out of it).

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/01/2011 22:59

Matchbox Grin

She is a lovely, pleasant, happy, funny, cheerful, clever girl... who would be the first to get up and get me anything I needed from another room, she goes and gets ds a drink when i'm working from home, she will empty the dishwasher for me without being told....

She doesn't 'need' discipline (aside from the fact that I am her mother, I am not the school bully) She is really well behaved, but, you know, she maybe just doesn't care that much for tidiness... I am, seeing that now.

Whoever mentioned the star chart may well be on to something!!!! I think she would like that! I am going to tell her that next Saturday she & I will stick on the music, give the room a great clean and then get the star chart up... I do think that would work with her, because she could see the days being marked off!!!

And whoever asked what I did with binbags of stuff... of course I didn't give it back to her, it was rubbish.. I threw it in the bin!!

She doesn't spend much time in her room on a daily basis, but she is a book worm and thanks to ds (6) she prefers to read in there in silence so she doesn't have to be answering his million questions!!! :)

Bobbiesmum, I don't really mind about anyone elses house, I probably wouldn't even notice if your house was tidy or not... but I go into her room to open her curtains, I go in to turn off her lamp at night - and almost break my neck at the half dressed barbie dolls and books lying on the ground Grin

Thanks for the ideas ladies, and it does help to know there are other messy (and not so messy) little pups out there too!

OP posts:
matchbox20 · 23/01/2011 08:45

I asked about the bin bags.

I thought you just scooped everything up of the floor.....good stuff...rubbish and clothes. So to throw her good stuff away might make her tidy more.

If she is reading in her room who is making it messy then?

If people don't mind a messy house that is fine but you are the one moaning about it, so you must mind.

Does she not even open her curtains or turn her lamp out?????????????????? she is 9 not 2.

Lovecat · 23/01/2011 09:57

I am a third-generation slattern and I fear that DD is going to continue the tradition into the fourth...

She's six and her room sounds identical to the op's DD in tidiness. We have agreed to decorate, new furniture, the works, but she can't even put her dirty clothes into the washing basket in her room so what hope is there?

Every week the cleaner piles all her shite onto a chair just so that the poor woman can get in and clean, I've now grown deeply bored with telling DD if she just put away the chair-shite her room would be done...

Poor DH, he's a minimalist soul and I think living with us is giving him an ulcer...

Lovecat · 23/01/2011 09:58

Aargh! Whole point of that post was to say that the sticker/reward chart sounds like a great idea and I'll give it a go :)

purepurple · 23/01/2011 10:12

[sigh]
Anyfucker, you have described DD's room exactly. She is 14 and we decorated it a few weeks ago.I couldn't afford to change the carpet, ot that you can see the carpet for dirty washing, cups, bits of toast etc.

ledkr · 23/01/2011 10:31

i had 3 teenage boys first so dd messy room always looks palatial to me.She is very well behaved no other probs but is dead scatty and cant remember what she has been asked to do. Having tried the wont decorate your room untiil tidy with ds1 he now tells me he remembers feeling crap and uncared for when i refused to do it and it never made him tidy.Hes in the army now so god knows how he coped.
What works with dd is we did do her room,she is asked to tidy it but given specifics ie.can you put all the soft toys away and your dvds.I then check it later.If room gets too bad i sit in there with her and give directions but help hang clothes as she cant reach yet.
I also forked out for a lot of storage which really helps.

ledkr · 23/01/2011 10:36

anyfucker cant believe that about your dd,you obviously are more forthright on mn than in rl Grin
Chants "ANY FUCKERS A PUSHOVER" hehehehehe

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 12:38

led, I am of the opinion that leaving teenagers to their own dross is the way to go

it is certainly much better for my blood pressure Grin

like I said though, she still has he bedroom of a 5 yo

who wins here ? Wink

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 23/01/2011 12:59

Matchbox - anything else you want to know about my life so you can judge? Must be nice being you. And you're twisting my words, I said I didn't mind mess in anyone elses house.

I turn her lamp out, generally because she falls asleep with it on! (Is this where you tell me she needs disciplined until she switches off her own light? If so, don't bother, save your energy for discipling you own poor child.)

I open her curtains because I am a fussy fucker who needs the pull up/down blinds to be even on each window... not because she won't do it.

Anyway, she & I have had a chat, we're going to give the room a really good going over, she has already made her own star chart witrh boxes for ticks, she has written a goal on top (which I thought showed great initiative and should help to motivate her!)and she's all ready to begin, just as soon as we both get the room a really good tidy out :)

OP posts:
matchbox20 · 23/01/2011 13:03

Glad you have had ''the chat''

better late than never I suppose.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 13:06

I turn my 15 yo's lamp off too

In fact my whole house is often like Blackpool feckin' illuminations !
It's called "having a normal family home"

You have kids, your house will never be perfectly how you want it to be ever again

< yells at DS yet again "close the door behind you, where you born in a barn !! ??" >

Bogeyface · 23/01/2011 13:07

FGS matchbox, let it go!

You are just being bitchy now and there is no need for it. Do you always have to have the last word? No wonder your kids are perfect, they probably tow the line just to shut you up!

AnyFucker · 23/01/2011 13:08

MB, you sound curiously humourless Hmm

matchbox20 · 23/01/2011 13:11

My child is not perfect but when a prob arises I deal with it, not maon about it.

I am not being bitchy if you think that is bitchy you lead a sheltered life.

But as the prob has been sorted now

''the chat has occured''

this thread is complete.