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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT decorate dd's room until she learns to keep it tidy??

81 replies

FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/01/2011 13:07

DD is 9.

She has a room of her own & it's lovely, she has enough storage units, a large wardrobe and two sets of drawers.. ie: she has no need to pile evrything on top of her desk and to throw dirty washing in a toy box when there is a wash bask oin her room too!

So, the bedroom was last painted when we moved into this house, about 6 years ago - it's pink with pink curtains and fairy theme, she says it's babyish.

Together we chose some lovely covers and curtains, cushions and lamp shades from Next (I think it's English Rose or something with roses on) and I told her if she could prove to me she could keep her room tidy for 3 weeks we would get it painted and the new covers on.

Long story short is I now have the covers since AUGUST and she has not managed to keep her room tidy AT ALL, never mind of the crappy three weeks.

I did a hugh clear out of stuff, leaving only the stuff she plays with and her massive collection of books, but she leaves books everywhere, there are 3 in the bathroom as we speak and another 2 lying on the mat here in the livingroom....

I don't forget what it's like to be 9 - I shared a room with 4 sisters and had to have all my stuff in its place - but DH is a through other so and so, so doesn't show her an example.

Anyway, my sister visited the other day and said she couldnt wait to see dd's room as she had heard she got lovely new covers etc.... dd then told her mummy said she wasn't allowed it done :( and the stuff had to stay in the cupboard :(

I could have throttled her Angry and explained to sister that dd doesn't care enough about her room to have it tidied and I wasn't going to pay to have it decorated and all new stuff in it, to watch it being trashed again.

Sis said I was being a cow and that if I decorated the room, then dd would want to keep it tidy cos it would be pretty...

WWYD? She doesn't have the pressure of putting clothes away or anything, me or dh does that, well, obsiously if she is wearing clothes that are clean I expect them to be hung up, but we put away her clean laundry.

AIBU to not want to decorate it until she can prove she cares enough to keep it tidy?

Am prepared to be told AIBU.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 13:39

I had to LOL at this post

we are in the exact same situation with my 15yo

she still has pink fairies etc

I refuse to redo her room on the basis that..

  1. she has mascara marks all around her wall mirror on the wallpaper where she just wipes her fingers

  2. the carpet has blusher, false tan and mascara on it constantly

  3. she does not keep it tidy or clean it unless I bully her into it (am tired of that by now...)

  4. there are cups and plates shoved in corners from about 1997

  5. she shows the rest of the house just as little respect but is not allowed to get away with that

she is desperate to get a new decor...but no I say

she says she is embarassed when her friends come round but I don't care

she has had several chances to prove she can look after it but can't be arsed after a few days

OP..this ain't gonna get better any time soon Smile

alarkaspree · 22/01/2011 13:41

If her friends mind knickers on the floor they will let her know, and she will probably start putting them in the washing basket. But they probably don't care.

I understand your frustration but I think I'm of the school of thought that doesn't care about children's messy bedrooms.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/01/2011 14:05

Oh Jesus AF, you haven't made me feel any better... I can't look at that room for the next 6 years!!!!

I wish I was from that school of thought alkaspree, it would make my life so much easier, but I guess it's just about wanting her to respect her stuff, respect herself a bit too?

You know, if her room is tidy, she may be too.. atm I have to encourage her to wash her face and brush her hair every day..

I have visions of her getting ready on her wedding day in that room.... standing on lost bits of hungry hippo and connect 4 counters...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 14:08

sorry about that Smile

borderslass · 22/01/2011 14:11

I did DD2's room last year she's 15 and she is obsessed with keeping it tidy now before it was a pigsty she had make-up stains all over the carpet [wasn't just her marks DD1 moved out a year ago but she was tidy] rubbish and clothes everywhere now she spends 10 minutes a day doing it and about an hour at weekends sorting through stuff she doesn't need and hoovering/dusting. Smile

AnyFucker · 22/01/2011 14:14

shut up, BL ! Grin

now if this was my son we were talking about, it would be a different matter

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 22/01/2011 14:18

Another Mother of Pink Doom here.

She is just like I was incredibly messy and I swing between the.. 'it's her space and her right to keep it how she wants' and tearing my hair out.

Usually when school books, swimming stuff, or other vitals are impossible to trace.

However she does appreciate it when I blitz it for her so once in a while I have a go, but also envisage the getting her ready for a wedding with beads and lego everywhere and a spilt nail varnish stuck to her veil!

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 22/01/2011 14:27

MBTW, she's the same when I tody it, all "Aw mammy, you're the best, I love you, thank-you" etc etc, but about 2 days later it's the very same!

She has 'tidied' this morning... but has loads of dressing up clothes and has them trailed all over the house again.. [sigh]

OP posts:
SMummyS · 22/01/2011 14:39

I was the same when I was her age. What helped is mum helped me a few times a week to do it. The reward, a decorated room how I wanted it. I then kept it tidy :)

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/01/2011 14:56

I agree with your sis but would not have done the name calling.

Children should be allowed to be children, it doesnt sound that messy and leaving her with a babies room is something she will remember for a long time.

DS changes the decor regularly in his room although I try and only change the wall covers every other year. I love the changes in one way as it respresents him and his current loves but in another way it reminds me he's growing up fast Smile

I find childrens duvet covers fade considerably so need replacing often anyway.

nannynobnobs · 22/01/2011 15:06

I agree Fairhaired, it's about trying to get her to respect the things she has been bought/given and not just treat them like they don't matter. I did have a messy room when I was a kid but I looked after my toys and put all games away complete, didn't cut my dolls hair etc. DD just treats everything like crap. It's not as if I replace things she has broken either. I think it's time to drastically cut down on the stuff she has (and she doesn't actually have piles of toys).

narkypuffin · 22/01/2011 15:34

Not suitable for pre-teens, but my mother managed to finally get me to keep my room clean ie take plates and glasses downstairs and keep clothes off the floor
through evil sneakyness and chocolate cake decorations.

She hid little brown lumps in my room near the dirty plates and a week later started nagging me to tidy my room. Cue teenage Puffin finding 'mouse droppings', being too embarrased to say anything and cleaning the room until gone midnight. It never stayed perfect but it was never manky again. She's never fully admitted it but I did get a wink when I mentioned it a few years ago.

Bogeyface · 22/01/2011 16:05

You said that she could have it done if she kept it tidy, she didnt, so no decorating. End of!

Its perfectly reasonable to expect her to keep to her side of thebargain, and the "kids will be kids" brigade may well be rethinking this when their kids have mounds of rotting food and weeks and weeks worth of filthy laundry in their teens bedroom!

And I dont subscribe to the "decorate it and she will have a reason to keep it tidy" idea either. She will, for a couple of weeks until the novelty has worn off and then the OP will be back where she started. I am scruffy bugger myself and know whereof I speak :o

frenchfancy · 22/01/2011 16:14

I have had the same problem with my 2, and I had the same 3 week rule.

What I found is that they didn't really know what I meant by tidy - ie their idea of tidy and mine are two different things.

So I blitzed the rooms, cleared everything up, found a place for everything and cleaned it from top to toe. Then I showed them what a tidy room looked like, and said if they kept it like that for 3 weeks I would re-decorate. They kept their end of the bargain, I kept mine. The rooms were decorated,...

And now they look like a pit again!

pinkhebe · 22/01/2011 16:16

Maybe you should both go in and bliz the place so it's tidy, Then tell her she has to keep it that way for 3 weeks.
Then regular reminders before bed/school and you should be fine.
My boys have messy bedrooms (although my 10 year old ds tidied his a couple of days ago, and it's still tidy Shock possibly because we floated the idea of redecorating it in the summer - 5 years after the last time Grin)

JaneS · 22/01/2011 16:20

fabby, how many kids do you have? You must be high as a kite on paint fumes if you re-do all the rooms every 2 years! Grin

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 22/01/2011 16:28

Yanbu

We redecorated dds bedroom a while back, new carpet, freshly painted all new matching furniture, pretty bedding, twinkling fairy lights the full works

Bit by bit it's been trashed, honestly I could cry.

I'd have loved to have a room like that when I was a little girl Sad

matchbox20 · 22/01/2011 16:33

Disipline is what is needed.

I tell my son [9] to tidy his room and he does it.

Why is it so hard?

seeker · 22/01/2011 16:35

""kids will be kids" brigade may well be rethinking this when their kids have mounds of rotting food and weeks and weeks worth of filthy laundry in their teens bedroom!"

I have one. And she doesn't do any of that.

FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 22/01/2011 16:41

YANBU.

And to those of you who can afford to redecorate every two years, well, lucky you! Envy

Anyway MAYBE she would keep it tidier if you decorated it, but you can't go back on it now. You need to keep reminding her though. Frame it positively rather than nagging - don't tell her off, but say things like: "why don't you go and have a quick tidy up in your room - remember if you keep it tidy you'll get it decorated!"

If you're negative about it it'll compound the problem. My mum always used to be bitchy about it, and if I tidied it she would say things like "see why can't you do that without me nagging; not so hard is it?" - when it would be much more effective to just say "well done" IYSWIM.

FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 22/01/2011 16:44

Could you make a reward chart? I know she is a bit old for it but maybe a grid of 21 squares and you check each day for 3 weeks - then the end is in sight and it'll be much more motivating.

9 is easily old enough to be responsible, as long as they get reminders (as I said above, it needs to be encouragement rather than nagging) - even my 3yo is getting her own laundry basket soon!

BertieBotts · 22/01/2011 16:45

I really think some people have a "tidy" gene and some don't - sounds like she has inherited your DH's non-tidy one Grin

I'm exactly the same and most likely will be running around getting ready for my wedding one day tripping over clothes and getting assorted crap stuck to my dress...

If I was you I'd want to use the new stuff as it seems a waste not to. But maybe just accept she needs a bit of help with the tidying up, maybe ten minutes before bed as someone else suggested, and hopefully it will become a habit. I know with me I just forget that it needs doing and don't bother until it is really bad and then go aaaaargh, it's going to take forever. So every now and again I write myself a note or something to remind myself to do a ten minute job here or there once a day, and I'm surprised by how much nicer it looks. But then I forget again. Instil those habits now!

matchbox20 · 22/01/2011 16:46

Why don't you just tell her to do it?

Does she disobey you on other stuff?

FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 22/01/2011 16:47

Blitzing it together is a really good idea, put aside one day to do it, put some music on and have fun - then do the 3 week chart with regular reminders and praise.

Sorry will stop waffling now...

nannynobnobs · 22/01/2011 18:38

I do tell my DD to tidy her room Matchbox. She sits up there doing nothing, or playing. I punish. I remove things. I explain calmly. I shout. I offer rewards. I put everything in bin liners and tell her that it's all going to charity if she doesn't tidy it (this has happened before).
It does not work. "Why don't you just tell her to do it" is not very bloody helpful.