To discover to my horror and utter dispair that you are not all wonder women, that you are all probably just...

[brokeoven]

Normal.

I just looked back at a thread about how people were at 3 months post birth. The majority of people have said that they were SO well that they went on holidays with their baby.

As i read each posting, my stomach dropped with the steady realisation that what i experienced was so far from normal that i should have sought or been offered help.

But i thought it was normal and that it was what EVERY single person who ever had a baby experienced.

I recall having vitrioloic spitting rage at every woman that i knew who had ever had a baby because in my mind, they knew what was coming for me, and not one of the fuckers told me, or warned me. I felt utter hate towards some people.

What the fuck are health visitors there for? What do they do?

I decided that we would not have any more children because i cant even begin to tell you how horrific it all was and i simply could not put myself through it again.

He is 7 and a half now.And alone.

I've got an only DD. My reasons for not having another are mainly selfish - hated pregnancy, was horrified at what it did to my body, will never put myself through it again. I went into inexplicable rages during pregnancy, after I was too in love with DD to get really cross.

You sound normal to me btw.

What happened?

Did you not fill in one of those edinburgh test things? Which are meant to catch PND?

Sorry you feel so bad....could it be the first stages of recovery?

I was a mess after dd1 for a couple of months, she was not an easy baby. I was also having one because I didnt think I could do it again.

After dd2 I was much better and did go on holiday when she was 4 months, but I think that was more to do with me already having made the transition to being a mother.

I do remember thinking everybody else seemed to find it easier than me.

You are normal breakoven. (although I do not think there is a normal IYSWIM)

If you go on a thread that starts with someone having had a wonderfull birth you will find that there is a chance that other poster will have had an even easier time than OP and a few seldom poster wil dare saying they had a nightmare pregnancy/birth.

Now if you go on a thread that starts with an horific experience, you will find more people with horrific experiences and few good ones as it would be a bit mean to go on such thread saying "I do not know what you lot are on about, pregnancy/giving birth is a walk in the park"

There is no norm as such as each and every woman's experience is veriy different. You can even find that the same woman can have very different pregnancies if she has several.

The birth is nothing compared to life afterwards.

He was early, low birth weight and fed hourly then 2 hourly until he was about 4 months old, day and night.

he did not sleep through a complete night until he was 4 and at school.

I survived on 2-3 hours sleep for years, and i worked.
HV said there was nothing she could do to help. Suggested i keep a sleep diary. I did so for about 4 nights, but as i was up between 16-20 times a night with him, it made me dispair to see it down on paper i stopped.
Had family all around me but none of them offered any help or support because they could not cope with him.

He had behavioural problems that none of my friends kids had, from being tiny. They stopped coming to the house, i stopped going out for months at a time. It was just too stressful to go anywhere with him.

I finally went to the GP when he was 3 and a half and asked for AD's.

This is just a very short description of my life with ds from birth until age 5ish.

My sisters all said that there was something wrong with him, GP & HV & teachers all disagreed.

brokeoven. You have fallen prey to the competitive mother on the internet phenomenom.
It is otherwise known as utter bollocks or plain lying.

Very few women actually feel well enough to go on holiday with a 12 week old.
Some do.
Some women have husbands who share the night feeds, share the housework, empathise with their exhausted partners about how hard it is to give birth, breast feed etc.
Most dont.

It does sound like you had a rough time and yes your HV should have picked up on that. Did you ask for help? Did you share with your HV how hard you were finding it all?

Please dont hate because it is such a detructive emotion.

I felt that dd1 would be an only child because I had a horrible birth, she was a difficult baby and I didn't enjoy the early years at all. I am sitting here now 11 years later with three of the little monkeys, so it can get better. Honest.

nice post ronshar.

Well now I can see why you found it all so overwhelming.

I guess that from such a hard start in life your son was playing catch up.
Having no sleep is the most soul destroying thing know to man. Thats why the military use it as a form of torture.

Nothing is easy or makes sense when you are sleep deprived.

Can you maybe look back at those years and instead of resentment treat them as a stepping stone to get the son you now have? I take it he is better now and sleeps etc? How is he getting on at school?

horrific colic,

then croup regularly

he is 7 now and is a lovely lovely little boy, a joy.

because every one said its normal to feel "tired" when you have had a baby, i thought it was normal.

I wasnt anywhere near to "tired" i was drenched to my bones exhausted. I rememebr clinging on to the work surface in the kitchen at 4 am swaying feeling nauseous sobbing, holding this child who had slept maybe 3 hours and was now up for the day with no daytime naps at all, knowing that i had to go to work that afternoon, and keep it together. Knowing that the next night would be the same, and the next night, and the night after.

Thank you

Oh dear. I remember that horrific feeling. At 3am you know thats you up and nothing you can do will make that child go back to sleep.

I am pleased that you seem to love your little boy. It is easy not to with a start like that.

I bet if you had questioned other mothers closely they would all own up to that tired to the bone feeling but for some reason we never want to be seen as not coping.

Thats the thingronshar, i had completely and consciously decided to not think about it because my little chap is so lovely.

Bt reading about one after the other woman saying that they went on a lovely holiday with their baby because they are just so portable at that age...blah blah blah brought it all back to me.

And it hit me like a big fuck off lightening bolt, that it was not normal, it was a living torture in fact.

I asked over and over the HV and went to baby clinic, asked there. Asked GP, they all said normal...i dont think that they nderstood what was going on, they cant have!

He is 7 and a half now.And alone.

Well - is that a done deal? You could have another? Obviously there's no guarantees about how that one would sleep either.

I know what you mean about thinking you're normal and realising you're not. I couldn't stand or sit (one sort of pain, then another sort of pain) until DD was 10 weeks or so. I saw an NCT friend out when her baby was two weeks old (when I couldn't have stood for more than 10 minutes, let alone walked anywhere) and was shocked.

Then I had a chat with my best friend who, like me, had an episiotomy and she walked for 45 minutes and was a "bit sore" 2/3 days post birth. Then it clicked that I wasn't typical. You just don't know, do you?

Depends on how you cope with it?
Not sure i entirely agree with that tbh.

I am no wuss, im a professional, used to sleep deprivation from years of working night shifts in a very stresful environment.

I continued to work through out all of that.

I was 33 as well so had seen life.

I am amazed i didnt throw myself under a bustbh.

Nowadays, we have been trying for another baby for 2 years. Feel ready becuase it will be different.
After a rocky start at school ds is doing grand.

Im an old bird now, am 40 but we have got ourselves off to Liverpool womens hospital becuase been trying for 2 years and have had 5 mcs .
Not giving up just yet though

There is no normal. Just your own experience.
Haveing had three babies I can say each pregnancy was different, each birth was completely different. Hospital/medical, home, and 3 hour almost didnt make it to the hospital birth!
Each recovery is different. With my first it took years to feel normal, for me, again. Number two ok straight away but number three, who is also a boy, I am still on my knees 2 1/2 years later. I just want him to sleep. It's not much to ask is it???

So please dont ever think you are on your own. You are not.
Look at the no sleep threads on here. Bursting with hollow eyed, desparate ladies

brokeoven.
Serioulsy, give yourself a break. No wonder you are feeling like shite. 5 mc's is enough to break even the most strong females.

nononono dont misunderstand me, i am just blathering on here becuase you are all so lovely.

I AM actually ok, very happy and ok with it all.
The other day is the first time ive thought about it all in aaaages. just musing i spose.

AAh i know 5 mcs are crapola, but i am getting great info and help from Liverpool, they are fantastic!
So really hoping that 2011 will be our year

Got allot of hope and of course previous knowledge and experience to learn from.

how many other women are there out there going through what i experienced with no support from those in place to support and advise?

Its them that i feel dispair for.

I agree. There are too many unsupported women out there. Another loss from not having extended family around us now.

I had pnd after my second child and bit was horrendous, I did go to my gp but he wasn't interested neither was the hv mainly because i suffered with anxiety problems before the birth so it wasn't new.
I have three other children and have felt really happy with things after they were born BUT my youngest is now 6 months old and if i am honest i still don't love the idea if going away anywhere.