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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To discover to my horror and utter dispair that you are not all wonder women, that you are all probably just...

51 replies

brokeoven · 22/01/2011 09:42

Normal.

I just looked back at a thread about how people were at 3 months post birth. The majority of people have said that they were SO well that they went on holidays with their baby.

As i read each posting, my stomach dropped with the steady realisation that what i experienced was so far from normal that i should have sought or been offered help.

But i thought it was normal and that it was what EVERY single person who ever had a baby experienced.

I recall having vitrioloic spitting rage at every woman that i knew who had ever had a baby because in my mind, they knew what was coming for me, and not one of the fuckers told me, or warned me. I felt utter hate towards some people.

What the fuck are health visitors there for? What do they do?

I decided that we would not have any more children because i cant even begin to tell you how horrific it all was and i simply could not put myself through it again.

He is 7 and a half now.And alone.

OP posts:

altinkum · 22/01/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

brokeoven · 22/01/2011 10:36

Thanks for coming to chat with me altkinmum, it just nice to chat about stuff.
I really appreciate your views x

OP posts:

sayjay · 22/01/2011 10:43

To give you a little hope for the future, my DS1 was a VERY difficult baby to look after, similar but not as severe as you describe. It struck a chord when you described your son. It is no wonder you felt as you did - I felt the same.

I now have a 4 month old DS2 and it is completely different this time. It is not because I am 'coping better', or more 'relaxed' - or even because I am practised at being a mother (although that helps)............it is because he is an easier baby. Yes it's hard and tiring but it is not the sheer living hell that the first year of looking after DS1 was. Funnily enough I've always had a very strong bond with DS1 too. Logic would say that I ought to have thrown him out of the bedroom window.

Wonder if we have the same useless HV ??

NinkyNonker · 22/01/2011 10:44

If there is one thing I have learned it is there is no normal. On the surface we are perfect, happy, bouncy baby (nearly 6 mo), great relationship etc. Which is all true, we're very lucky, but I am suffering from horrible anxiety and am soon to start cbt. People do us all a great disservice by drawing a line in the sand and saying this is normal.

They should have listened to you.

sayjay · 22/01/2011 10:47

and I read the holiday thread too, scoffed a bit at the memory of me with 3 mo DS1, felt a bit sad that I wasn't 'taking it in my stride' then and hid the thread :(

However with DS2 I probably could have gone on holiday, but the struggle would be DS1 - even now (he has ASD).

GMajor7 · 22/01/2011 10:51

Totally normal. DD is an only and will remain so - I'm 37, skint and still haunted by her birth.

Holidaying with a 3mo doesn't float my boat tbh. Why would you want/need to when you have just had a beautiful baby? Wierd.

BalloonSlayer · 22/01/2011 10:51

We went on holiday (just in England) when our DS1 was 3 months old. DH wanted to go and I'd thought, oh OK then at the time it was booked.

It was the time with the petrol strike/blockades, when people were running out of fuel.

I didn't tell DH but I was silently PRAYING that we wouldn't have enough petrol and wouldn't be able to go. But we did. I hated it.

I suscribe to the view that holidaying with small children is just washing up with a different view. I have tried to explain it to DH as saying how would you like to be told that this year your HOLIDAY is to still do your normal job, but without a computer, phone, desk, secretary, pens, paper, or anything else that makes you able to bloody do it. His reply - "ooh it would be bliss not to have a phone ha ha"

So I agree that taking babies away for wonderful holidays at 3 months old is not normal.

babypickles · 22/01/2011 14:03

HV and GPs (IME) are crap.

They refused to beleive there was anything wrong with my DD. He cried for 16 hours one time and wouldnt feed.

I was ignored. He was in agony.

They suck.

togarama · 22/01/2011 15:06

There's no one size fits all but it does sound to me like your experience was harder than the average and merited more support than you got from HVs, GP and others around you. I don't think it's acceptable that you were left so traumatised by your DS' birth and early years that you didn't want any more children.

Yes, there are people who have easy births, easy babies and sail through the baby years. The women on the "taking your baby on holiday at 3 months" thread aren't lying. They just had a a very different experience of motherhood. Who knows how easy or difficult the other areas of their lives are? I don't think there's many superwomen around, TBH.

Good luck for the future.

Xenia · 22/01/2011 16:04

Did this child not have two parents? That's the bizarre thing about all this. I had 5 babies none of whom slept well but they had two parents.

You might find with another baby you can make it easier.It might be worth having a go.

surfandturf · 22/01/2011 16:39

Hi brokeoven, I went through similar with the sleep deprivation - it was awful. Thankfully a distant memory now. I had wanted to have a baby for a while and when he finally came I wanted to give him back! Pregnancy and birth were a walk in the park in comparison to actually having a baby!

DS didn't sleep at all and no help during the night from DH. I remember frequently driving round the streets at 4 am in my PJ's trying to get the little bugger to sleep! My health visitor had never had kids (so I resented her even trying to give me advice!)Everywhere I looked there were friends who hated the pregancy bit but then had the Gina Ford routine down to a tee (in bed at 7pm and sleeping right through from 6 weeks old I felt such a failure! I did one of those PND tests and was told I was borderline (?) If I hadn't have got pregnant again so quickly I don't think I would've bothered trying for any more.

You don't usually have 2 the same and you certainly learn from the mistakes first.

Good luck - hope you get a + soon and if not enjoy trying!

sayjay · 22/01/2011 18:17

xenia my son had 2 frazzled, exhausted, desperate parents.
"you might find with another you can make it easier" implies some sort of incompetence contributed to a difficult time last time
Again, IME and that of others I know, there are easy babies, normal babies, and bloody difficult babies.

Xenia · 22/01/2011 18:39

But there are things you can do to ease it.
We had ap eriod where one of us looked after the children alone all day on Saturday and the other on Sudnay - that means you can sleep all day or rest or whatever.

Another thing is you feed the baby - all mine were breastfed and then hand it to it's father to cry from 1 - 3 am whilst you go in another room and put in ear plugs and sleep. I'm not saying it's easy just that if you share it out it's easier.

If you have earned enough to buy in help by picking a sensible career then of it's completely different and you can hire a maternity nurse etc

Original poster

brokeoven · 23/01/2011 15:21

ahhh xena, you are still here!

When "picking my sensible career" i had no thoughts of "what if i dont get sleep for 5 years when i have a child and i chose this career that pays enough to pay the bills, but not enough for me to hire in help"

In retrospect, that was very shortsighted of me to not look that far ahead, i obviously am a very stupid person.

My DH & i were exhausted, we took it in turns, but there wanst much he could do when ds was bfeeding every 2 hours day and night for the first 4 months.

I worked weekends when dh was home with ds, i had to go to work and had little opportunity to sleep and rest when it was my day off. I had my son to care for.

The point i was making was that i had not realised how abnormal ds's first 5 years were....in comparrison to allot of other people who did not appear to have the difficulties i was experiencing. I get this from their comments and experiences.

Oh and from the supportive comments those who did experience what i experienced have made.

OP posts:

sayjay · 23/01/2011 16:30

"If you have earned enough to buy in help by picking a sensible career then of it's completely different and you can hire a maternity nurse etc"

There OP, it wasn't incompetence on your part, it was a poor career choice and poor organisational skills.

Those who haven't been there will not have a clue.

Xenia · 23/01/2011 17:03

We all know that it's possible to hire maternity nurses for the first few months and then you do get sleep.

Also yes if the baby feeds wevery 2 hours at night as sometimes mine did you can feed for 15 mins hand it to its father and sleep for 2 hours and then if it screames from 1 .3 at least you've slept a little bit and then it gets better as they get older. But it's certainly the case that sharing it ou with a partner can help and/or buying in night help And higher wages mean on your day off you could have slept and found someone to look afetr him on that day. But I'm not saying it's easy and wehn we had our chidlren and worked full time we certainly didn't get much rest nor could afford night time help.

GMajor7 · 23/01/2011 17:23

"If you have earned enough to buy in help by picking a sensible career then of it's completely different and you can hire a maternity nurse etc"

Fuck a duck Xenia! Those people who work in the factories producing the bog roll you wipe your sanctimonious arse on haven't picked sensible careers then?

working9while5 · 23/01/2011 17:32

No, GMajor7, they most certainly have not.

The Romans got others to do their childcare for them, don't you know. And wetnursing and the like. Eminently sensible folk, the Romans.

(Sits back and assumes ruminating expression while dragging on cigar)

sharbie · 23/01/2011 17:41

i well remember hearing other people saying about going on holidays with tiny babies and i remember thinking they must be barking.what was the point of carting all the baby stuff around just to do the same routine/work etc in another location?
looking back my ds was a fairly easy baby but dd who came next was as you describe your baby op.its so hard but it wouldn't even have occurred to me to ask for help we are all different i suppose and i just thought this is how it was for everyone.
dd is a dream now and so easy as a teenager.
don't be too hard on yourself.

eden263 · 23/01/2011 17:45

Brokeoven, though not as bad as what you went through, I also found my HV and others totally useless and lacking in understanding. My DD cried almost non-stop, was dreadful at feeding, and therefore wanted to feed every hour or less, day and night, and just didn't sleep. I was lucky if I could get her to sleep for 4 hours in every 24. And even then, she would still wake for feeds during that time. On top of that, I was/am a single mum, and have ME so feel exhausted at the best of times. Many times I told my HV how wretched I felt, that I couldn't cope, that I was at the end of my tether emotionally etc. She would just say 'hmm' and carry on typing on her laptop. I spoke to other professionals who told me to just make her sleep (!!) Thankfully, she stopped crying at around 12 weeks, but she has remained a rubbish sleeper. Post-natal 'care' is a joke. I was given that PND questionnaire to fill in at clinic once and they said to just leave it on a pile with other mums' ones when I'd done it...but the forms were anonymous! So they had no way of knowing who was suffering from it anyway!!

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 23/01/2011 18:01

I just wanted to post and say I could have written your OP.

Except - DD1 was DC3 if that makes sense

And I remember telling the doctor when she was 3 months old

"If you don't refer me somewhere, I know where you live and I'm leaving her on your doorstep tonight and buggering off on holiday for a week"

Didn't make much long term difference, she was still hard work (She's 12 now and lovely - honest) but at least I knew it was abnormal iyswim?

Original poster

brokeoven · 23/01/2011 18:09

imustbemad, thanks for your post, i am glad im not cookoo as i was begining to think i had dreamt the whole thing up.

DS is nearly 8 and lovely now, i would never of believed it back then that it would be possible to have something that actually slept and didnt cry constantly!

OP posts:

Xenia · 23/01/2011 18:36

They do get easier abouth in her 20s my worst non sleeper still has insomnia and is always on the go. The others aer different. Do try for another. It won't be as hard as the first.

Original poster

brokeoven · 23/01/2011 18:40

5 mcs later......i am doing my best!

OP posts:

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 23/01/2011 22:01

Broke - thing is, if she'd not been no3 I'd have thought I was going insane.

It was truly mind blowingly awful.

I could have given her away 10 times a day. But they'd have brought her back pretty quickly

about the MCs

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