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AIBU?

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Original poster

to give up on this?

31 replies

igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 00:26

I have been with DP for 18 months. We had known each other for a while as friends (but not that well), then he tragically lost his young niece to suicide and just after that asked me to come to see him (we lived 4 hours drive apart). I thought he just wanted me there as a friend but he clearly had other ideas, and after that we started a relationship.

It was all really good to begin with. Pretty soon after a few weekends to-ing and fro-ing he came to stay and never left again. Two months after meeting, he had a breakdown, a delayed reaction to what happened with his niece. He literally went completely mad - I won't go into too much detail as I feel that's his personal stuff. I took him to the GP and she sent him straight to the mental hospital where they tried to section him, but he ran away.

That very same week, I found out I was pregnant. Tbh it wasn't as much of a shock as it could have been - I had so much on my plate at that time, DP being completely mad and needing 24h supervision to stop him from hurting himself, and my ex stalking me in a really full on and terrifying way (that is a story in itself). So the pg seemed the least of my worries and I was just focussed on trying to get DP the help that he needed, and just surviving really.

Just to give you a bit of background on DP, he had a really abusive childhood and also lost his ds age 22 months a few years ago in a tragic accident. He also has Aspergers. So his mental health has never been great but before we got together he had never had any professional help. What happened with his niece was the straw that broke the camel's back I think.

With professional help he got a lot better over the next few months, and everything calmed down. Our dd was born in the summer, and he has been a great dad to her and really happy to be a parent again. He is such a lovely man in so many ways - he is great with my DD1 and our DD2, he does loads around the house and is just a really nice, kind hearted person.

BUT, the problem is, since he had his breakdown over a year ago, there has been no physical side to our relationship. Like, none. He refuses to sit next to me on the sofa, give me a cuddle, kiss or anything. As for a shag, well there's more chance of hell freezing over.

I have been as patient as I can possibly be about this. At first I put it down to me being pg (and obviously him being in a bad place in his head), but as time as passed the situation has got worse and worse. If I try to talk to him about it he just says 'I don't know' to everything I ask him. He can't give me any indication of whether things will ever change or not. He said he just thinks about death all the time, and he can't think about sex.

I know he is messed up, and the Aspergers doesn't help. But I am quite a physical person, I really need that side of the relationship to be there, and it breaks my heart every day when he rejects me.

Last night we had another major bust up about it and he said he was leaving. It seems he would rather do that than make any kind of change. I know I do his head in going on about it but I don't know how much more patience I have in me. I love him so much and I have invested so much into helping him. The last thing in the world I want is to split up, but I think if it was down to him it would be like this forever. I can't see how things will ever change now.

Do you think I should cut my losses or hang on in there?

Sorry this is long.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 22/01/2011 00:29

Cut your losses. You sound very kind, but being a 'helper' is not a recipe for a fulfilling relationship.

bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 00:30

The sort of breakdown he had can take years to recover from, even without the added complications of Aspergers.

Is he still getting treatment / on medication has he been signed off already?

FabbyChic · 22/01/2011 00:31

Have you considered couple counselling?

He sounds like he is suffering from depression that is ongoing.

Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 00:33

He had his maximum allocated amount of sessions, so has not been seeing anyone since Aug. But after a LOT of fighting, we have managed to get the trust to agree to more sessions for him. Will be meeting them on Tues to find out how many etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 00:34

He won't go for counselling. I have tried that. And tbh I think any counsellor would be out of their depth with him - after all our problems stem from his deep long term mental health problems and they would not be trained to help him with them.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 22/01/2011 00:35

To be honest I think he is trying to distance himself from you emotionally because he is worried he might lose you, or that you might die.

He could have PTSD from the loss of his niece the things he has seen and suffered.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 22/01/2011 00:38

Did he used to be able to be physical with you and not just the one time you got pregnant?

He could be angry with you (not rationally obviously) but because you are a constant reminder of the hell he has been through.

Thinking about death all the time is a good explanation for why he can't bear any intimacy - it would require him to be connected to being alive and that may be terrifying.

His problems are a seperate issue as to whether you can put up with you not getting your needs met. I feel really, really sad for you - you have done something amazing but you can't neglect your needs for ever.

Stac2011 · 22/01/2011 00:40

it could be a side effect from meds he is on (if he is on meds). Loss of sex drive is very commen in drugs used to treat mental health problems. Worryingly if he is still thinking a lot about death which would suggest he needs a review. Op you have been very patient and mental health is a hard thing to deal with for all involved, you have to decide if you can cope. Hope all works out

bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 00:40

His mental health issues are clearly not over. I think you need to see what they say on Tues, and if you are not happy with it, go back to your GP and explain it.

It will not be easy to just cut your losses, as you have a child involved, and if it is only a year since he was sectioned, then its very early days yet in his recovery.

Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 00:42

Hmm you could have a point Fabbychic. Although he is very tactile (not a weird way) with dd2 so he can do it if he wants to.

Yes Laurie our sex life was great to begin with, and it would pretty much always be him initiating things. Then he lost it and I turned from lover to babysitter overnight.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 00:45

Does he have family he can go back to? I dont think he would cope on his own at the moment if you did end it.

Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 00:45

Stac2011 - he is not on any meds. they tried all sorts with him but nothing seemed to help.

bubble - have been going around in circles for some time now with GP and mental health trust. The GP just refers us back to there, and then the trust just suggest some crappy group or something (obv not understanding that Aspergers and groups don't really mix!).

OP posts:
Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 00:47

His family are not nice people, to put it mildly. I don't think being around them would be good for him at all. But you are right one of the reasons I am still with him is that I know how detrimental it would be for him if we split, and that's a big responsibility. He loves his dd so much and that's what he lives for I think.

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 00:53

igetmorelovefromthecat - I feel like I have 'spoken' to you before about this (or at least a part of it), I think I said at the time that your user name spoke volumes :(

I really just wanted to say that having read your OP I really, really feel for you.

He definitely needs a lot of help and it's going to take a long time, if ever, to get better. I guess only you know how much more you can give to this relationship/him while getting nothing out of it/from him :(

Do you have friends/family supporting you? Hugging you?

bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 00:55

Its an awful burden on you. My FIL had severe manic depression (bi-polar to give it its current name which makes it sound more "trendy".. ).. and he eventually took his own life. It affected my husband very badly, and it is only now three years later that he is really recovering from it.

You have to push for the support, and if necessary change GP.

Losing his niece probably brought back a lot of the shock of losing his child too.

I expect with more time, he will improve, but I also think that he needs one to one therapy with someone who is trained to deal with his sort of issues.

Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 00:58

Thanks ChippingIn. That made me cry a little bit (doing a lot of that atm).

Don't really talk to me family about it, but I have my best friend to talk to who is my rock. Don't know what I would do without her.

So torn. Don't want to give up on him but don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore (he never sees that as he sleeps in a different room).

OP posts:
Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 01:04

You are right bubble...chances are with the right help he might get better...over time.

I am turning into a bit of an emotional wreck myself though. Torn between looking after myself and looking after him.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 22/01/2011 01:04

I think you need to decide what you want and tell him exactly what that is, the chances are that with Asperger's while it might seem like it's perfectly obvious how you feel that unless you tell him he'll be oblivious.

The chances are that he can't tell you how he feels, because he can't work out what that is himself.

If for instance you want to work it out, but you're not willing to carry on like this (which is what it sounds like) you need to tell him how you feel about the lack of physical intimacy and that you need him to be willing to do something about that or you can't continue in the relationship - and spell everything out, really clearly.

Depression's pretty common with AS anyway, so with other stuff on top...Confused Can you try a different GP?

Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 01:09

Heehee, if I had a pound for every time I had spelt it out for him in very simple terms, I would be very rich indeed.

Fact is, he doesn't know what is going on in his head. And he doesn't know when he will know.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 22/01/2011 01:27

My son has AS and I have to be his support because he's my child, but you have children you need to look after as well - there's nothing wrong with feeling like you can't support your partner too.

If you want to end the relationship, you can't stay in it because you'd feel guilty - that's not fair to either of you.

I'm not saying, quick, dump him - just, well, you're the only one who can decide whether you want to work on it or whether you want to finish it.

Just, don't stay with him because you feel bad for him... and if you do want to work at it, try a different GP or several different GPs see how the sessions go and maybe aim low for just now, moan about cuddles rather than sex?

maybe that's not helpful at all - it's just you made me go Sad

Goodynuff · 22/01/2011 01:35

the Wrong Planet web site might be the best place to get some information regarding counciling and help for couples where one sufferes from an ASD : ) it really is a great site : )

Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 01:36

I'm not just staying here for guilt reasons, though I do worry how he would cope on his own. I do love him to bits and and I know he loves me. He helps me out in lots of ways but he just can't bear to have me near him physically. On the flip side I also worry how I would cope without him. He lightens the load so much for me and DD2 is a very demanding baby, and the thought of being on my own just makes me want to curl up in a ball and never move again.

I know in my heart it is not me, it's not a personal thing. But it still really hurts. And it has become such a habit now I can't see how it would ever get back to what we had before. I tell him it's not all about sex, I tell him every day that if he could just give me a cuddle once in a while that would mean the world to me. But he can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
igetmorelovefromthecat · 22/01/2011 01:36

Thanks Goodynuff I will check that out.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 22/01/2011 01:48

well of course it hurts, my son was cuddly as a very small child, but after he wasn't a toddler anymore he would occasionally hug me, but if I touch him he flinches - I know it's not intentional and I know it isn't him rejecting me, rationally... but it still sometimes upsets me, and he's my son not my partner who I'd want to be intimate with.

Completely unrelated to AS or depression - I've been with my DP for 16 years and there have been some very dry spells, especially when the children were small and we've definitely had to work at getting it back on track after it's become a habit not to do things.

I figure it's a peaks and troughs thing and we've had a few of both, lol, so hopefully you're at the bottom of a very deep trough just now and you can get back out of it.

Anyway, like I said, I just felt bad for you and I know it's a quiet time of night so I wanted to say something... hopefully you'll get lots of practical advice as well as me nattering on Smile

chillichill · 22/01/2011 01:55

I'm sorry your having s tough time. you say you love him but are you still on move with him? if no. then you are only friends and better to.release eachother. if yes, stay and give it time. if your dp had suffered an injury which left him unable to have physical contact with you, would you leave him? in a way he has, only its an emotional injury rather than physical.

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