to give up on this?

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

I have been with DP for 18 months. We had known each other for a while as friends (but not that well), then he tragically lost his young niece to suicide and just after that asked me to come to see him (we lived 4 hours drive apart). I thought he just wanted me there as a friend but he clearly had other ideas, and after that we started a relationship.

It was all really good to begin with. Pretty soon after a few weekends to-ing and fro-ing he came to stay and never left again. Two months after meeting, he had a breakdown, a delayed reaction to what happened with his niece. He literally went completely mad - I won't go into too much detail as I feel that's his personal stuff. I took him to the GP and she sent him straight to the mental hospital where they tried to section him, but he ran away.

That very same week, I found out I was pregnant. Tbh it wasn't as much of a shock as it could have been - I had so much on my plate at that time, DP being completely mad and needing 24h supervision to stop him from hurting himself, and my ex stalking me in a really full on and terrifying way (that is a story in itself). So the pg seemed the least of my worries and I was just focussed on trying to get DP the help that he needed, and just surviving really.

Just to give you a bit of background on DP, he had a really abusive childhood and also lost his ds age 22 months a few years ago in a tragic accident. He also has Aspergers. So his mental health has never been great but before we got together he had never had any professional help. What happened with his niece was the straw that broke the camel's back I think.

With professional help he got a lot better over the next few months, and everything calmed down. Our dd was born in the summer, and he has been a great dad to her and really happy to be a parent again. He is such a lovely man in so many ways - he is great with my DD1 and our DD2, he does loads around the house and is just a really nice, kind hearted person.

BUT, the problem is, since he had his breakdown over a year ago, there has been no physical side to our relationship. Like, none. He refuses to sit next to me on the sofa, give me a cuddle, kiss or anything. As for a shag, well there's more chance of hell freezing over.

I have been as patient as I can possibly be about this. At first I put it down to me being pg (and obviously him being in a bad place in his head), but as time as passed the situation has got worse and worse. If I try to talk to him about it he just says 'I don't know' to everything I ask him. He can't give me any indication of whether things will ever change or not. He said he just thinks about death all the time, and he can't think about sex.

I know he is messed up, and the Aspergers doesn't help. But I am quite a physical person, I really need that side of the relationship to be there, and it breaks my heart every day when he rejects me.

Last night we had another major bust up about it and he said he was leaving. It seems he would rather do that than make any kind of change. I know I do his head in going on about it but I don't know how much more patience I have in me. I love him so much and I have invested so much into helping him. The last thing in the world I want is to split up, but I think if it was down to him it would be like this forever. I can't see how things will ever change now.

Do you think I should cut my losses or hang on in there?

Sorry this is long.

sorry, not 'on move with him' should read 'are you still in love with him' stupid predictive text

Yes Chilli I am still in love with him. I do wonder the same thing as you said, would I stay with him if he had a physical disability rather than a mental one. I think the answer to that is if it was something that might get better in time I would. If it was a permanent thing maybe not. I just can't imagine going the rest of my life with no intimacy. I am not even 30 yet!

would he be willing to work on it slowly? start with holding hands and work up from there? maybe if you put it to him how you put it to me, with emphasis on intimacy rather then sex, it will be less intense for him. but I do think you need to tell him that your willing to wait and take it slow but if he won't make any effort at all, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship.

iget did you know there is support for you as his partner? Were are you and i can get you some numbers? Atm i think the docs have to focus on one issue like his mental health as the aspergers will always be there. You said he tried loads of meds but nothing worked. Did he stick with them for any length of time? Sorry for all the questions i used to work with people who have mental health problems so really hoping i can help x

Chilli - tried that, he knows I am not expecting wild passion, just some sort of effort on his part would be good, but nothing ever happens.

Stac2011 - I am registered as his carer and I have had a carer's assessment but apart from support groups there doesn't seem to be much for me. And it's not being his carer that's the problem, I can cope alright with that. He was on various meds but it was when he was at his worst a year or so ago. He hears voices and the meds just made the voices loads worse. He also has trouble sleeping and they but him on sleeping pills that should have knocked a horse out but they didn't work. The Aspergers does cause a huge problem as so few people are trained to deal with it - there is the abuse and the voices as one issue but the Aspergers just complicates things even more. He was really lucky that the psychologist he had his 20 sessions with was great and he really clicked with her, but she has moved to another area now so he definitely won't be getting her again. We are in Somerset.

Think the problem with meds is they can make it worse before it gets better. I didnt mean the aspergers can be ignored just meant that if dp's mental health was better the aspergers would be easier to cope with iyswim. Have you tried support groups?